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TherapistMarryAnn
TherapistMarryAnn, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5770
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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Hi my name is XXXXX XXXXX I hope that you can give me some advice

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Hi my name is XXXXX XXXXX I hope that you can give me some advice I really need . I have been of work on long term sick leave for 6 months now since March with Anoxeria Nervosa. I had an virus which unfortunately I didn't realise the syptoms at the time and my weight dropped seriously. I have been seeing my Gp on a regular basis and have slowly gained weight and looking a lot better. A couple of months ago my Gp had informed me that she will be leaving the practice a that I will only have one more appointment with her. She kindly introduced me to a collague that she would like me to be looked after from in the future and that I will have someone at the surgery to talk to . Last week was my last appointment with her and i thought that day was her last day as I was told my reception when I booked it . I was really looking forward to that appointment with her I know it probably sounds stupid but I have been working so hard to gain weight healthly and wanted to make her proud of me and that I have improved. I am quite a shy person and have written letters to my Gp about other issues that have been worrying me and she has always been there for me to have a chat, even if I hadn't said much she has always been there for me. I had always said to myself that when I do get better and can return to work that one day I will make an appointment and go and see her in my uniform . Now I will never get that opportunity but she said that I can of course keep her informed by writing to her. The day of the appointment I didn't feel well and started to have a bug. I didn't say anything because I wanted this time to be the best appointment and I had by looking a lot better.Unfortunately as the day went on I got worse and worse. The next day I made an appointment to see the duty doctor who happened to be my Gp. I was glad that it was her and only wanted to be treated by her but now I feel as if I have let her down because she has seen me at my worse again and I feel bad that I have gained nothing within the last six weeks. I am extremely sad that she is leaving and I keep on crying everyday. I am returning to returing on Monday which I am very excited about . I am now feeling and looking a lot better than I was a couple of days ago when I saw her but yes have lost a lot of weight. I feel a complete failure and that I have let her down because of this. I have made an appointment to see her on Tuesday so that I can show her that I am feeling better and I would really like to apologised that I have let her down . It would really mean a lot to me to beable for her to see that I am feeling better and in my uniform .
I have worked so hard over the last six months and I don't want her to feel that I haven't been trying when I have its just that I had a bug at the wrong time. I feel as if I have let her down extremely because I looked the same last week as I did six moths ago.
I really want to see her again and let her know that I am going to miss her . I do cry everyday because I won't see her again.

Am I doing the right thing ? Please can you give me some advice.
Hello, I'd like to help you with your question.

It sounds like you have put a lot into your relationship with your doctor. And while it is good that you are working on getting better and want your doctor to be happy with your progress, there seems to be more to the situation.

It seems that you have formed a bond with your doctor, one that goes outside the normal doctor/patient relationship. She has been there for you and you have been able to rely on her for emotional support. It could be that there is a lack of similar support in your life and by having a doctor that is so empathic, you have formed an attachment to her. Now that she is leaving, this attachment is ending and it is hurting you.

While it is perfectly normal to form an attachment to fulfill an emotional need, seeing this relationship and what it means to you can help you with the situation. Your doctor's role in your life is to be there to care for you physically and offer support. But for you, your doctor has become a focus and a significant support. It also may be that she has taken on a parental role, since there is a need to have her be happy with your progress.

It may help you to talk to a therapist about your situation. Getting to the root of why this relationship formed and what unmet needs it is fulfilling for you can help you. Also, talk with your doctor about making one more future contact with her, when you feel at your best and in your uniform. Ask if it is ok to send a picture and an email, just so she can see your progress. Then work on ending your relationship with her. It is a loss to you because of your emotional attachment to her, but working through it will help you see that you can get your needs met elsewhere, such as with family or friends. Here is a resource that can help:

http://www.2knowmyself.com/Unmet_needs_psychology



I hope this has helped you,
Kate
TherapistMarryAnn and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 4 years ago.


Can I still go to the appointment on Tuesday . I would really like to . Is there anything particular I should or shouln't say ?

Sure that would be fine. As long as you are aware of your feelings and know that this is something to be worked through then it is ok to see her.

You can ask her about sending the final email in the future when you feel ready to show her your progress if you want. But unless you have something specific you need to say to her, then do your best to treat it like a doctor/patient appointment. And try to give yourself a break if you feel bad about the appointment. You are doing the best you can.

Kate

Customer: replied 4 years ago.


Thankyou I would like to say to her I hope you don't mind me coming to see you again its just that I feel I have let you down because the first time you saw me in March I looked aweful and six months later I looked just as bad. I really wanted you to see me at my best and that I will miss you very much.


I don't want her to feel I am wasting her time, but I feel if I do see her I will feel a lot better for myself. Also I will be seeing her collague in a couple of weeks.

That is ok to say, as long as you know that you are putting a lot of your feelings into it and that she may not respond back with the same kinds of feelings. Not that she doesn't care, she does. But her emotional attachment with you may be more towards a patient/doctor relationship.

But seeing her for the last few times you can is perfectly fine.

Kate

Customer: replied 4 years ago.


I am scared that she may say I can't write to her anymore but at the same time I don't want not to see her and let her know that I feel I have let her down. I do know and fully understand that they can't get to close to their patients and I don't want her to feel I do nor do I want her to feel unfortable, . I am just a very kind person and the fact that she is leaving has affected me more than I have shown to her and unfortately that bug came at the wrong time. I am also scared of what she might think when she sees me again so soon especially if I don't have a pysical issue .

All you can do is ask if it is ok to contact her one more time after this. If she says no, it most likely has more to do with her situation than with you. And you may be putting more into her thoughts than is really there. It is doubtful she puts much into how you look but is mostly concerned with if you are feeling better.

Kate

TherapistMarryAnn and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 4 years ago.


Hi Kate,


 


Sorry to bother you . I hope you don't mind.Its just that at the moment I feel as if I have done something really stupid and I can't help but cry all the time when I am alone.I went to see my Gp on Tuesday as planned . I felt really happy to see her but when she weighed me I felt like a total failure because my weight had dropped. She had a bit of a cold so I didn't really want to say or stay to long or to waste her time. . She did seem happy to see me however which was nice. The next day I left a bunch of flowers and wrote a small note saying I hope you feel better , I apolgise, I have't gained any weight whilst in your care and I feel as if I have let you down. I also wrote I am not just losing a great doctor but a big sister I wish I had. I am so worried now of what she may think of me .I can't stop crying because what I wrote is true and I will miss her. I was only doing a nice thing . Will I ever beable to get over feeling like this ?

Hello, it's good to hear from you. I would be more than happy to continue working with you on any new questions you have. All I ask is that you remember to rate my answers for each new/different question you ask. Or you can start a new question. Let me know if this works for you.

Kate
Customer: replied 4 years ago.


Hi Kate,


 


Yeah thats fine it works for me .


 


Rachel

You will be able to get over how you feel. I am saying that because the reason you are feeling this way is because of past unresolved issues, even if it does seem that this is about your doctor. And once you resolve the cause, you will be able to feel better.

It is very common to transfer needs from your past onto current situations or people. It is hard to see that now, however, because your feelings are so strong with your doctor. You see her as a replacement for the needs you never got met as a child. She seems to be able to answer what you need if you could keep seeing her and have a connection to her. But although she seems like the answer, she is not. Your need to have her approval of you is probably related to the love and approval you never received as a child.

The fact that she is caring for you is important. And she is an authority figure as well. With this combination, she can seem bigger than life to you. And she is distant enough in your life that it is easy to put feelings onto her since you don’t know her that well and feel that she can answer the unmet needs you have.

What you told her and the flowers you left are fine. Most likely, she will see it as a kind gesture. She may also recognize your need to feel close to her, which she should understand. It is very doubtful that she has any negative feelings about what you did.

Considering talking to someone like a counselor about how you feel. This need to be around your doctor and to have her approval stems from something in your background and in order to figure that out, you need to have someone help you work through what happened to you.

Also, try not to worry about what you are feeling. Although it is difficult when you feel like crying all the time, these feelings are genuine and do need to be addressed. You may be mourning your doctor’s moving on but it also may be what you lost as a child that is bothering you more. Try writing out your feelings. Express yourself in a letter to her that you keep for yourself. Work on your loss and if you can, try to relate what is going on now with your doctor to what may be causing this from your past. That can help you get to the root of the problem and resolve it so you don’t have to feel this way anymore.

Kate
TherapistMarryAnn and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you

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