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Brad The Therapist
Brad The Therapist , LCPC
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 549
Experience:  10 years of experience in working with youth and adults
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My husband and I have been married for 6 1/2 year, two children

Customer Question

My husband and I have been married for 6 1/2 year, two children ages 4 and 6. My husband is 50, I'm 39. I've been a stay at home mom for 6 years, quit my teaching profession. My husband has a controlling personallity and at times he is verbally and emotional abusive. 3 years ago he slammed my arm in the bathroom door, he says it was my fault because I tried to follow him, it left a baseball sized bruise. He refused to apologize. He has called me crazy, stupid, F - ing idiot, F ing liar. etc when he gets mad at me. He has done marijauna and ecstasy during our marriage and lies to me about it. He's outgoing and friendy with everyone but cold torwards me. We seperated for 1 year and almost divorced but I ended up moving back in with him because he was fighting for 50 percent custody. During our seperation I found evidence that he left our children with his neice while he flew to Canada for 1 day or night!! He was only supposed to leave children with sitter for 4 hours per our temperary custody orders. He lied to me about this as well. He lies about money. He also has many friends that are women and texts, calls them on a regular basis. He says they are all good friends of his but keeps almost all of his communication with them a secret. We have been to several counselors. He lied to our last counselor and told her that he doesn't use drugs and that Im crazy and need to get help, although I found the drugs and the proof that he purchased them. I can't bare the thought of having 50/50 custody of my children but I am so miserable in this relationship. The judges in LA don't seem to care if husband is using drugs "recreationally" or if he's verbally abusive as long as he's not using or abusing in front of the children :( (The house was his before marriage, so it's likely that I would have to move out again.) I don't know how much longer I can handle this, but I know he will hire a fancy lawyer and fight dirty if I try to leave.
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Doctor Rao replied 3 years ago.

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Expert:  Brad The Therapist replied 3 years ago.
Thank you for your question and post to this forum. I can see how difficult your current situation must be with your husband. Just to give you a little background regarding custody, typically during a divorce, you can have a custody evaluation complete by a psychologist to determine parental fit. Since you have a lot of evidence against your husband, I recommend having a custody evaluation completed if you do decide to go through divorce.

In terms of your original intent of your post, I am wondering what your expectations are from this sight as you have describe a very complicated matter. Have you considered going to a domestic violence shelter? Do you feel your children are being neglected by him? If so, Department of Child Services can be contacted to have this investigated as well.

As I throw out to you some resources, I hope you see that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

He does not verbally abuse or neglect children, although he has an authoritarian parenting style. My kids love daddy and I dont think a pychologist would say that he's unfit to parent becasue his abuse is directed towrds me and his drug use is outside of the house.


His abuse is directed towrds me, behind closed doors. His friends and family have no idea that he behaves like this because he acts differently around them.



Expert:  Brad The Therapist replied 3 years ago.
Have you considered going to domestic violence counseling or support group?

For a custody evaluation, you will be surprised how a psychological testing can sort out a person who may be "faking good." In addition using drugs also may be grounds for losing custody as well.
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

No, haven't considered a domestic violence group. I would guess that the abuse I receive pales in comparison to the people that receive worse and probably on a daily bases.


I have had counseling by a professional but my husband did not want me to pay for it any more out of our joint account. He said I had to use my own savings. I'll probably contact her again.


My husband and I are professionals, educated, white picket fence with one dog. Live in a nice neighborhood. My husband is a salesman and can turn on the charm to make you think he's a great guy.


When we seperated he and his lawyer managed to convince the judge that our kids (19 mo and 3yrs at the time) should stay with him every weekend for Thur -Sun, 72 hours in a row!! My children had never spent more than a few hours at a time without me since birth so the transition was horrible. My husband refused to revise the temporary agreement even though he could see the affect it had on our children especially my 19 mo old who would cry so hard he would throw up when Daddy put him in his car.


He also lost his high paying job during this time and ended up taking me back to the court to pay reduced support. The judge granted a 60 reduction in support payment based on his reduced pay. The judge did not even consider the very large amounts of money he has in his seperate accounts, wich is not considered 'income'. So, now we have very little money in our joint account, thus I have very little money to pay for expensive attorney's etc.


I've done some research on the drug use pertaining to custody and most of it pertains to people who have addictions.


Not sure if you can offer any other advise. It's bad if I stay and bad if I leave (he's granted 50 custody).


I try to keep a journal of things that occur I found out that it would only be used if the case went to trial. We spent $75,000 on the attor. fees before it ever went to trial. I'm out of money. Out of ideas. I'm going back to school to get a masters but it will take several years because I take care of kids all day.







Expert:  Brad The Therapist replied 3 years ago.
I encourage you to seek out domestic violence support group as what you are experience is a different type of abuse. Recreational drug use is illegal, thus custody can go to your favor. Any use of drugs puts the children in danger.

In terms of attorneys, I suggest going to Legal Aid where they can refer you to an attorney for pro bono work.
Brad The Therapist, LCPC
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 549
Experience: 10 years of experience in working with youth and adults
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