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Jean
Jean, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 433
Experience:  Masters degree in counseling, Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW)
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I got married August of 2011. My husband left me three times.

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I got married August of 2011. My husband left me three times. The first time was after 3 months. The second time was after 4 months and the last time he left me after 8 months of marriage. Each time that he left, he went and stayed with a woman that he was with before he and I met. They used to be engaged. He blamed me every time he left. But he is also one who would frequently tell people how lucky he was to be my husband and how I was the best thing that has happened to him since the birth of this two children. Each time that he left I didn't know what was going on. He would just all of a sudden start giving me the silent treatment for two weeks and off to her he would go. He would have a rage and break things around the house. He lost his job and at first I thought he was upset and frustrated about the job. I am so hurt. After he left this last time he told everyone that it was because I am a lunatic. That I am certified crazy. He slandered me to everyone. He even threatened to have me fired from my job.Two weeks after he left me the last time, he served me divorce papers himself. He forced me to sign by having me in his car driving fast saying that if I didn't sign he would kill us both. The whole time he blamed me for the failed marriage. I promise I did all I could for him and his kids. He just would get into these moods and tell me I didn't love him. I had just married him. I was his new bride. This was insane. I signed but soon got a lawyer who over turned everything and had the judge give him a no contact order. He continued to slander me to mutual friends and anyone who listened. He post on facebook all the fun that he is having and his good life. How can he just go on like I never existed. He is on facebook having the good life and I cried for months. I never called him, text, or emailed. I did not attend anything that where will be. I stayed away and let my lawyer handle everything, I didn't even go to court not one time. He has not seen me since he threatened me in his car. The day of our final court date he sent me an email saying it was the happiest day of his life. He wrote a long 12 bullet point email saying how unattractive I am and how ugly my home looks. He was so mean and nasty. I am in no way an ugly woman. He talked about me so badly in the email. Called me black and ugly. I decided not to respond. A few Hours after he emailed, he sent a text to my 9 yr old daughters phone(he doesn't have my new number) threatening to get me fired from my job. I didn't respond to that either. He got what he wanted. The woman he kept leaving me for, and a better home, and I never called or bothered him. I gave him the divorce without a fight. Why the nasty email? Why is he so mad? We were divorce after only one year of marriage.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Jean replied 1 year ago.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Hello, I'm available to assist you- Welcome!

Jean N/20pluscounts :

I'm sorry what you have had to endure in your time with this man, and now after the relationship has ended.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

It's amazing how one can continue to control, manipulate, and abuse, even when they've left a relationship- do it from afar. That is a sick person that causes one to feel "insane"

Jean N/20pluscounts :

How long were you with this man total?

Customer:

We have known each other since teenage years but dated only a year before marrying. 20 yrs

Jean N/20pluscounts :

You have been beat down, abused, and hurt for a long time.

Customer:

no, im sorry not together 20 yrs but we met 20 years ago in highschool but did not date until 2010.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

You asked why is he so mad? I'd say you "have is number" you know what he's made of, on to his manipulative ways. That does not make it any easier for you to heal from this. Rationally you know he's not good for you, but you fell hard for him.

Customer:

He was a dreamboat. He did not show himself until after we were married.

Customer:

He even fooled my family.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

You have been dealing with a narcissist, or a sociopath, lack of remorse, but oh so charming. There's research out there that gives a bit more understanding why women get hooked and remain in these types of relationships- bright, good women. The level of stress changes a persons brain- how they think- under his "spell" so to say.

Customer:

I keep hearing he is a narcissist.

Customer:

Why is he mad? He left me?

Jean N/20pluscounts :

That brain change can be healed- that's the good news. You are not only grieving the loss of a marriage- grieving the loss of what you planned, expected, were fooled to believe. I don't know if it's he's mad at you- he's trying to make himself to be the good guy in all of this- for others- so in turn he continues to put you down- make you look like the "bad guy".

Customer:

I figured that because he had spoke so highly of me and our marriage, that he had to say I was a lunatic to save face because people will probably wonder why he left since he proclaimed our marriage to be so good.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Yes- exactly. He's lacking the remorse- and he works real hard to continue to make himself look all mighty- while he puts you down, continues to abuse you. It's difficult to make sense out of- but when you are talking about someone who is so self focused- it's all part of that personality disorder. Underneath this is a scared, small, insecure little boy- who will defend self to the end- as a defense.

Customer:

He is now with the woman he left me for. living together. He is all over facebook having a good life and I'm trying to make a life for me and my daughter

Customer:

His family has reached out to me many times to comfort me. They said that before I came along, he left the woman that he is with now, while she was at work. This woman sent me a message on facebook two months into our marriage saying he had been with her. she wanted him back....guess she got him.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

That's why this is so difficult- because he has the ability to be that "ideal" looking man- that's how he works is way into a woman's life. When really- he's more like an empty shell of a man who acts. I'm sorry he continues to hurt you- any way you can avoid seeing that stuff- him and her? It will be only a matter of time before that woman experiences the same- it's all "honeymoon" now, you can expect that will not last. He's incapable of a long term "healthy" relationship- it's a big one man show. It will take time for you to heal. You've been abused and traumatized by this man.

Customer:

He left her years ago and is back with her. Do you think he will leave her again?

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Yes- I don't think he's capable of a long term relationship- maybe off and on. It's best for you to be away from this man- the wolf in sheep's clothing. He worked on you long enough that you turn this against you- wondering why he's mad at you- you are a "survivor".

Customer:

I know but I just don't understand. I have split from relationships in the past and we just go our separate ways. I don't understand why he wants me to lose my job and says that I'm ugly etc. when he hasn't heard from me in months. I made sure that he hasn't seen or heard from me in 6 months.

Customer:

Thanks for calling me a survivor!

Customer:

Why does he get to live the good life and I suffer? He is sooo happy.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Yes- truly a survivor!! It's sad to think this was the man you had so many dreams with for a future- a happy ever after- that's really painful. You deserve respect, validation, not threats and put downs. What does that do to a person over time- makes them feel really small in the world. It will take time for you to get you back- the woman you were before all the hurt. It's hard to "shake" him isn't it? I think he's angry because he had to "face the music" in court- brings his "faults" out in open- so it's automatic he would put you down to save face. It's really hard to make sense out of this- I understand your struggle. You suffer because of the hurt- you can work towards that happiness- his is a "fake" happy or a temporary happy.

Customer:

He drinks too. I wish this had not happened to me. I was so happy in my life before. Im so embarrassed too

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Remind yourself you were lured into this web.

Customer:

Will he ever pay / karma for what he does to women?

Customer:

Why the name calling?

Jean N/20pluscounts :

I work with a bright, smart, young woman who just left a similar relationship- she's crushed- and talks of feeling embarrassed- like the fool.

Customer:

I rented my home and moved to another part of the city, got a new car, new phone number and I got Off facebook. He can not recognize me by knowing of my car.

Customer:

How do you think he felt when I did not respond to his nasty email and text message?

Customer:

I want him to be revealed for who he truly is. how do they just get away with hurting people?

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Good for you to make those changes in your life- separate as much as you can. Distance from him will put you into the path of healing vs. further abuse. The name calling its to put you down- in crazy way- that builds him up- sick satisfaction in feeling that power. The woman I referred to is working hard to realize her strengths that were there before she was "beat down". Her ex also threatened to ruin her career as a teacher. I think it probably irritated him you didn't respond- "How dare her!" he's thinking.

Customer:

Wow, I was his third wife and im sure this woman wants to get married so he will have 4 marriages

Customer:

Because we have mutual friends I

Customer:

know for a fact that he is cheating on the woman he's been living with for 6 months. poor lady

Jean N/20pluscounts :

I think they get away with it- the hurting-because they work on "grooming" and hooking the person in- he's all "she" ever wanted sort of thing- the woman does not see it coming- until she's knocked off her feet. Four marriages- that says a lot doesn't it?

Customer:

How do I move on? Im really trying

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Yes- pray for that lady. He's hurting a lot of people as you goes through life- very sad.

Customer:

Will he ever suffer?

Jean N/20pluscounts :

How do you move on?- support, support support, and time. He's suffering at the core- it will catch up to him- yikes- he has to live with himself:)

Customer:

He has no job still but I hear he is trying to start a business........mentoring children lol!

Customer:

I guess his woman is funding his business. I hope she kicks him to the curb and have to finn for himself. and becomes lonely.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

He will likely never experience pure love. Wow- mentoring children- the charm "works" in ways- that's the crazy making part. His own business because he can only work with himself- he's above others- so he thinks. Everyone is incompetent in his eyes. You hurt because you feel- he looks "happy" because he is "cold" doesn't "feel" like most of us.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

He sees her as a pawn in his plan- using her- yes

Customer:

His business will never get off the ground. Thanks for helping me. I sooo appreciate it. Good I didn't have to suffer years of abuse.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Don't let him fool you- that little boy is lonely at the core. This type of person comes from a different planet- hard to get in his head- figure out how one can be so cold and heartless. It's insidious- hard to make sense out of "insane".

Jean N/20pluscounts :

You are welcome- take the best care of you!!

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Best wishes on your road to healing.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

There are good things out there for you- have faith.

Jean, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 433
Experience: Masters degree in counseling, Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW)
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