It seems to me that both issues are to a great extent interlinked. They both produce feelings, I suspect, of guilt, shame and a very negative self image.
In a practical sense, I wonder if you can arrange for any of your bills to be sent directly to him to deal with?
We humans only indulge in behaviour that brings reward of some kind. Only when that reward (whatever it might be) disappears, or the consequences of our behaviour promise to be unpleasant do we consider changing what we do. Like a child, your husband is going to have to learn to accept boundaries, and you have to give him reason to change.
He needs to know that if he does not change his ways, there will be consequences.
The important point is that this is NOT blackmail – it is giving him a chance to change and grow emotionally, to the benefit of both of you. He needs incentive to change his ways, or he will not – why should he, he gets his own way right now and is rewarded. If you want your life to continue like this, do what you are doing. If not, have the strength and maturity to give him some tough love and allow him to grow.
Up until now, he has just been exploitative and abusive, and he has done that, and kept doing it, simply because he has been allowed to.
There is an old saying that "If you always do what you always did, you'll always get what you always got", so if he will not change, your future with him is going to be just like your past.
I agree that you should not have to ask for money. After all, I am sure you contribute fully to the home in other ways. I think it is time to tell him quite clearly that in return for your input into the home and the relationship, you expect to be treated fairly, and that that means all reasonable bills being paid without questions or put-downs.
Ask him to agree with you what these reasonable bills might be. Involving him in that decision will make it easier for him to keep his side of the bargain, and you will know where you stand.
He continues to abuse you – and abuse is what it is – because he thinks he can get a way with it. His mindset has to be changed, and he has to understand that if continues as he does, you will be the one to consider whether or not you want to be in this relationship.
Take back some power. Tell him, that if he does not start to be reasonable, household services – cooking, laundry, cleaning and so on will start to disappear. Make sure that he understands that his threats of divorce are hurtful – and frightening – you are not going to be held to ransom like this.