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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5450
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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Husband Chearting

Resolved Question:

I just caught my husband at the "other woman"s" house. He admits he cares about her and has kissed her but denies it is more involved. He lied about their relationship to me numerous times before I found him there. He has told me more now but I still doubt I am getting the whole story. It is saturday morning and I am not sure I can go through this for a weekend. He wants a divorce but won't leave the house. He is willing to go to a counselor to talk about the separation. We have an 8 year old and 16 year old in the house. He is here with me and my children and I don't know how to deal with him. Should I talk to him, ignore him, try to be nice? If it was up to me I would try to save the marriage but he isn't really committed.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 1 year ago.
Hello, I'd like to help you with your question.

I am sorry that your husband has hurt you like he did. Infidelity can be very painful and it changes how you feel about your marriage, your spouse and even yourself. It takes time to work through as well if you and your spouse want to work to save your marriage.

If your husband does want to try counseling, that is a good sign. It is worth talking this out. It may help to change his mind about the marriage and be willing to give it a try again. And the counselor can help him see the damage he is doing to your marriage through his actions, including lying to you, which undermines your ability to trust him.

When you have children, you want to try to keep your marriage together so they benefit as well. It is hard to break your family up and try to cope with all the stress a separation brings. It is always better to try and make an effort before considering a divorce.

If your husband refuses to leave the home, it makes it hard to know how to act. A lot of it depends on how he is treating you right now. If he is making an effort to be civil, then you can either treat him the same way or try to be nice. But if he is acting in a hostile manner and not acknowledging what he has put you and the children through, then it may be better to either ignore him or try to compromise so you both can at least get along but not have intimate contact. You do not want to be hurt worse and if he is unwilling to see what he has done as harmful, he may take advantage of your kindness and see it as a pass to hurt you and the children again.

I hope this has helped you,
Kate
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Thanks. Am I better off to minimize the time in the house together or just business as usual. I keep wanting to ask more questions about her and why he lied. Should I avoid that. Ironically she is a marriage counselor
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 1 year ago.

You are probably better off just minimizing your time with your husband and carrying on as usual with the rest of your business. Until you know what his intentions are and if he truly intends on working on your marriage, you want to keep from getting hurt any further by him.

If you and your husband do end up working on your marriage together, then any questions you have about what he did with this woman are ok to ask. Some people feel that leaving it all behind and not talking about it is better, but your husband allowed another woman into your marriage. That makes anything he did your business and therefore up for discussion.

It is very sad that this woman is a marriage counselor. She really should understand how much harm she is doing. But personal feelings and professional feelings can sometimes be very separate things.

Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5450
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you

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