Hello, I'd like to help you with your question.
If your son has been angry for a while, he could be clinically depressed. Many people who feel trapped and unable to express themselves as they want to turn those feelings onto other things outside themselves and become angry at others and the world in general.
It sounds like you have made a good effort to get your son into counseling. However, if he refuses to go, it may indicate that he either does not recognize how strong his anger and possible depression is, or he sees it but is unwilling to get help. People who refuse therapy are usually fearful of what they feel. They do not want to face it. Talking about feelings makes them feel vulnerable and scared. This may be why your son is refusing to talk to a therapist.
It could also be that your son does not feel ready to talk to someone about his feelings. In that case, you may need to gently encourage him to talk to someone, even if it is not a therapist. He needs to find a way to allow himself to express these feelings. You can also suggest he start a journal or express his feelings through other means such as art, music and physical activity can also help your son express himself.
When you son becomes angry with you, you may want to try a few things to defuse the situation. It helps to say something like "I am sorry you feel so upset" then leave the situation and go into another room. Your son has a right to express his anger, but only in constructive ways. If he is becoming angry without cause and expressing his feelings by becoming angry at you or your husband without cause, then he needs to learn that that is not ok to do. By giving him a neutral response and leaving the situation, you let your son deal with his own anger and not take it out on you.
And if your son is unwilling to go to therapy, you and your husband may want to go without him. The stress
of coping with an adult child who is always angry with you and upset can become very stressful and affect you in ways that you are not aware of. By talking to a therapist, you can not only find ways to deal with the stress but also how you can respond to your son.
You can also learn more about anger and how to help your son. Here are some resources to help:
Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft
Beyond Anger: A Guide for Men: How to Free Yourself from the Grip of Anger and Get More Out of Life by Thomas J. Harbin
I hope this has helped you,