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Jean
Jean, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 433
Experience:  Masters degree in counseling, Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW)
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Hello. I think i might have Borderline Personality Disorder...

Resolved Question:

Hello. I think i might have Borderline Personality Disorder... I dont specifically demonstrate all the key milestones one would associate with this condition. However i have for sometime persistently been have thoughts of self harm.. The odd thing about this is, i dont want to self harm to feel good... It just sorta feels like a appropriate reaction.
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Jean replied 2 years ago.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Hello, welcome! I'd like to give your question a try. Thanks for your post.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

What other symptoms do you have that may indicate bpd?

Jean N/20pluscounts :

A common underlying issue with bpd is a frantic effort to avoid real or imagined abandonment. This intense mistrust and fear leads to instability in relationships, and being impulsive.

Customer:

Interesting. Can i just consult with standard guidelines so i dont lead you round the houses with this one??


 

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Thank you for joining the live chat. Yes- please consult. What you describe is difficult to deal with- can cause challenges in one's life.

Customer:

Indeed... And im fairly sure the world of internet chat is not a idealic place to discuss the subtly of the human mind. anyway one moment please.


 


 

Customer:


Thanks for waiting i believe this covers it. Excuse the copy and paste nature of this what ive copied is in bold and mu thoughts are not



Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging spending, sex, reckless driving


 


Emotional instability due to significant reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days)...... I often feel when im happy there are a thousand voices all telling me different things..And when im sad theres one voice telling me to hurt myself.


 


Chronic feelings of emptiness (I use the word listless)


 


A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation ( i Simply dont believe people who say they care for me, yet seek constant affirmation that they do)


 


which i suppose is connected to this.


 


Transient, stress-related paranoid thoughts or severe dissociative symptom not so much at the moment but i do feel the world has it in for me now and again.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Yes- maybe not ideal- but maybe a bit of information can help- hope I can help- will sure give it a try. From what you share- you do identify many of the traits. I don't believe medication is that effective treating this. DBT dialectical behavior therapy is the best practice/treatment.

Customer:

So, do this and report back that it didnt work?


 

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Do you have extreme high and low moods?

Customer:

I apologise if all my cynical nature came out in a sentence.


 

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Since medications are not so effective- dbt has shown promise- one learns emotion regulation skills, mindfulness, some eastern practices

Customer:

I identify quite strongly with bipolar... But i tend to find i can switch it off when i distract myself.... I would never say im suicidal, but if i was to say i could never bring a girl home because of how i allow myself to live.... I tend to find if i get to high then i cant focus and people put me at a distance.


 

Jean N/20pluscounts :

It's skills training- educational. Often treatment is done in a group- with structure- homework etc. There is a dbt self help website some clients have found helpful. I can provide a link for that. That was exactly my next question- bipolar traits-

Customer:

but i did try suicide once, about 12years ago.. I didnt work... I dont think about it much i just remember it

Jean N/20pluscounts :

I'm glad to hear you are not feeling/planning to harm yourself now. I'm sorry for your struggle and the sense of hopelessness you must of felt 12 years ago. Typically a therapist treats symptoms- yes a diagnosis is helpful, but we focus more on best treatment for particular symptoms

Customer:

well thats the reason im here... i like to think im reasonably perceptive, but i cant place why in my quiet moments the only thought i have is to harm myself. i find it difficult to grasp why my head is telling me this is the course of least resistence.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

You sound very bright and insightful and this has probably offered/provided you skills to compensate for lots of the symptoms- you do your research- search for answers. Sometimes it becomes obsessive thinking- we get carried away by the thoughts-such as you describe with thoughts of self harm. Are you referring to cutting or other self mutilation?

Customer:

its a reasonable assumption to make... but i tend to focus on understanding emotional responses. I havent spent anytime looking up self harming. would you suggest that just because im aware of it means thats what people in position think? Cutting Presently is what i think about..

Customer:

i would also add that i think the cracks are starting to show in the compensation for whatever it is i have

Customer:

if i was to say my mum died apr2011 and i can no longer speak to my best friend... and that my responses to both are complete apathy.. would this colour your answer?


 

Jean N/20pluscounts :

We have to find ways to quiet the mind. We get stuck in our head- sometimes make things more complicated than they are just with the thoughts. The thoughts take control. Having a thought does not mean it's accurate or true. That's where the yoga, relaxation, meditation can be beneficial. Thinking does mean doing. We all crack a bit in todays society- not alone there, but yes, can be difficult to handle all on your own. Have you considered seeing a therapist for counseling? Color my answer- I'd say a great loss is a great loss and effects us deeply- sometimes we avoid relationships for fear of the hurt-

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Thinking does not mean doing- is what I meant.

Customer:

Amusing. i dont think avoiding relationships is my problem... I think i go too far the other way and try to create caste iron relationships and am disappointed when people push me away...

Customer:

therapist yes, money prevents this..

Customer:

the problem i find with your corrected statement is, that im feeling like thinking is pushing me toward doing.

Customer:

if i may make a correction of my own.. . I think i go too far the other way and try to create caste iron relationships and am completely destroyed when people push me away...

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Sometimes those hurts are repressed- but are still there- tapping on our shoulder- get our attention eventually. Another word may be "numbing" engaging in thinking or behavior as a way to avoid the real stuff underneath. We do our best sometimes to avoid, run from the hurt. You tend to care deeply, put your all into the relationships. You are a giver, sounds like, sensitive, care deeply, get attached-

Jean N/20pluscounts :

I'd challenge you to identify what the hurt or fear is?

Customer:

whats hurts me? hmmm.. people, ive hurt myself alot through badchoices.... what i fear? hmmm no one loving me? ....... (i prefix that with one thought) - when people tell me family is so important and that enjoy the security that family brings.. I have no idea what they are talking about

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Maybe that fear of abandonment- deepest human fear is to be left, to feel alone, rejected, and unloved. As people we need other people relationships, support, someone who validates us for who we are- as good. Thoughts and behavior are just a small piece. However, behavior is communication of some kind.

Customer:

abandonment - is not so much a fear as a reality for me, the problem i have with that is that i dont see it going away... in fact all i see is it getting worse//// so what do you do when you cant find anyone who wants to talk to you the way you want to talk to them.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

For some reason you have distanced yourself- you are only trying to protect yourself from hurt. You never felt the security that family brings, so you may be longing, searching for that- but at the same time not truly knowing what it "is" when you didn't experience it. As corny as it sounds- you have to heal yourself, heal the hurts, the loss before you will feel safe. There is someone out there who wants to talk to you- but are you giving the vibe, message of not being available?

Customer:

i apologise, however the irony of being told to fix myself when im discussing self harm is not lost on me.... as for distancing myself. your first direct comment about me was that i was a giver and someone who wants to show they care... how does someone with that drive give off a vibe of being unavailable.?

Customer:

what makes you think ive distanced myself?

Jean N/20pluscounts :

I'm sorry- not meant to hurt you- I'm sorry. It takes courage to put ourselves out there- especially when we expect hurt and rejection. However, you will have to take the risks, be brave, venture out to find those people. We need others, and have to take the good with the bad- we love but lose, such as death. Do you want the dbt self help website link?

Customer:

yep ill have a look


 

Customer:

you didnt offend me i found it quite amusing

Jean N/20pluscounts :

I think in general the intention is not to distance ourself- but when we expect hurt we close off part of us- to be less vulnerable. Again- did not intend to offend you- not my intention- like you said a bit challenging on line.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

I will grab the web link- be right back

Jean N/20pluscounts :

http://www.dbtselfhelp.com/ Here it is- may be worth a look.

Customer:

So no thoughts on what actually i might have "wrong" with me?

Jean N/20pluscounts :

What you describe does indicate some personality disorder stuff like bpd, with some traits of the bipolar. I think you would do well working with a counselor- because of your great insight.

Customer:

Define working with?

Jean N/20pluscounts :

The dbt skills can benefit much of what you describe. Working with, means doing the hard work, sharing, feeling, etc. to get better. To take the risk be vulnerable- and allow a therapist to assist you in strengthening your self worth.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

It also means change equals hard work and commitment.

Customer:

i see.... well to be fair. this wasnt a waste of my time... a few interesting thoughts... and credit to you for staying a step ahead of me..


 


i will consider carefully what youve said...


 


I have one last question...

Jean N/20pluscounts :

okay

Customer:

My mum.... Dead... Now granted i didnt have a super relationship with her... but i dont particularly miss her, ive never cried about her , and to be honest i said things that will destroy other peoples memory of her.... is that healthy?

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Sometimes having support, help to sort this stuff out can help a bit. Not real healthy- to me that is deep hurt, pain, a bit buried though.

Customer:

hmmm . ok. well thats me done unless you have any parting thoughts.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

The hurt may go back to what has created you to feel a lack of emotion for your mother- protection?

Jean N/20pluscounts :

No other thoughts- well yes- but time is a factor:). I enjoyed the chat, let me know if I can help again. Take care!!

Customer:

thank you. take it easy


 

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Lots to chew on- I do hope you find someone to talk to- SUPPORT

Jean N/20pluscounts :

You are welcome- my pleasure.

Jean, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 433
Experience: Masters degree in counseling, Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW)
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Jean
Jean
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Masters degree in counseling, Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW)