How JustAnswer Works:

  • Ask an Expert
    Experts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional Answer
    Via email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site.
    Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction Guarantee
    Rate the answer you receive.

Ask Heidi LPC Your Own Question

Heidi LPC
Heidi LPC, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 234
Experience:  Licensed Professional Counselor
Type Your Mental Health Question Here...
Heidi LPC is online now
A new question is answered every 9 seconds

I am in a relationship with a 20 year old woman, and I am 64.

Customer Question

I am in a relationship with a 20 year old woman, and I am 64. I am trying to figure it out from her side. Foe me, the physical attraction, sex, and the way she treats me makes me feel very special. As I think it through long term, I don't see how it can work. Even though she ways she wants to be with me forever. She tells me that on one has ever treated her better, a take her to very nice places, and help her financially. I am concerned I will eventually get my heart broken.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Heidi LPC replied 1 year ago.

Heidi LPC :

Hi there! I am hoping to be of some assistance to you here... I am sorry that you are struggling with this situation. It sounds as if your gut intuition is trying to send you a message, and that you are stuck between enjoying the relationship in the here & now, and in considerations for your future... is that about right?

Customer:

Yes. I think that is a big part of the issue. As much as I enjoy relationship, and am falling in love with her...if I look out 10 years it does not compute. She has pretty much been with older men most of the time...and at one point she was on "sugar daddy.com"...and had been in relationships with older guys that took care of her financially.

Heidi LPC :

Sure... so she was looking for some security... and you were feeling a boost to your self-esteem with her attention and the excitement, etc...

Customer:

Yes...she tells me that she loves me, and I think she does...but, I think about how many others has she said this too...and how can I determine? I know that I am falling in love with her. I found last night that she watches some port...and it is about young girls with older men. Is porn a fantasy for her...and is she thinking about other men when she witches??? she says no...she just enjoys it.

Customer:

I have not been in to porn before...but I have to admit it was sexually stimulating. I am a little concerned about going down that path.

Heidi LPC :

What is your intuition saying to you? You don't trust that she is being 100% honest with you? As for porn of that nature, it is tough to say why she enjoys it... do you have any concerns about her past, or do you think that she is just exploring this path with honest intentions?

Customer:

I am getting concerned about this having a bad ending for me at some point...but I really enjoy my time now. I think she is being honest about love...based on her past, I am treating her better then she has ever ben treated. Her past involves sexually relations with quite a few men. One of those relationships they both watched a lot of porn. she says it was because that was what he wanted to do...and he was helping her financially. She was raped by her grandfather when she was 10 for about 3 years, and her dad refused to believe it. Her dad left her and her sister when she was about 14.

Customer:

I have asked her to go to therapy, and she agreed, but she still has not gone. She was in therapy for about 4 years...age 14-18. Her self esteem becomes and issue, as very often she feels she is never good enough, and not deserving of good things.

Heidi LPC :

That was my guess, in terms of why she is still "playing it out" in her relationship choice of older men. Many times, it is a case of wanting to replay a circumstance over and over in life to somehow "fix" it, or it is a matter of it being all she really knows. You are in a tough spot... and you have a choice to make. You can choose to live in the here and now, knowing full well that your partner isn't quite "complete" in her healing over her abuse, but enjoy the relationship for what it is. The other choice is to slowly work it to an end due to your own fears over it's true stability and your own emotional health. You cannot change anyone but yourself, and I can see your confusion about the future of the relationship... however, it is really a choice between taking a risk now to enjoy what is happening in this moment in time... or ending it and then wondering what could have been. It isn't an easy choice; but with time, the answer will become clearer... and I get the feeling that may be starting to happen for you now, which is why you asked the question...

Customer:

Not sure I understand the reference to "playing it out"...or "being all that she really knows."

Heidi LPC :

When someone experiences something traumatic, such as sexual abuse by a relative, they sometimes unconsciously repeat similiar circumstances in life, over and over... in an effort to somehow see it through to a "better" ending. For instance, in seeking out older men, she is unconsciously still working through the abuse by an older man. You are treating her well, making her feel secure... which is a "better" ending than the guilt or other negative feelings that the abuse produced in her. Make any more sense?

Customer:

Yes. It is difficult to talk to her about past...she gets upset, and says that she has healed herself over past, but I'm not sure that is correct. I think your response is correct about my options...are there possible issues with the porn?? Even though it is sexually stimulating, there is no love involved in any of it....and it concerns me, that it could be more about her past, and how she wants, or sees herself being treated>

Heidi LPC :

There could be a connection there for her in that in being abused as she was, she was "used"... and these films show a lack of affection, and just a sense of physically "using" others.... again, because she is only 20, there is only a seven year gap between the abuse and now, so there is still plenty of healing to be done. Therapy done with a teenager is much different than with someone at the age of consent. She would really benefit from doing some work on her self esteem... she has many years ahead of her in which she may eventually find that she wants more than just security, which seems to be her main focus right now.

Heidi LPC :

But as for you, you are the one with the life experience that is speaking to you... and you have to do what you feel is the right choice for you right now. It is your life to live, and if you feel you may have regrets over ending it, you don't have to decide that right now. You can just keep staying in the moment, and taking it one step at a time.

Customer:

Is there anything I can do to help with the self esteem?..even when I compliment her (which I do constantly), she comes back and says she doesn't see herself in that same light. Especially about her body...which she is very critical of...she says she is working constantly about liking herself more, but it is really difficult for her.


 


Heidi, you have been extremely helpful, and I would like to continue to chat from time to time if I can. I think a lot of this is about me always trying to rescue people, and we can save that for another time...but I would like to discuss this relationship as it plays out.


How do we go about that?

Heidi LPC :

Self-esteem is tricky when someone has been through what she has. It comes from within, and your support and encouragement will be helpful to her... but she has to feel secure enough with herself before she will be able to fully believe your words. It is a process, and will require time, effort and care for her to work it through. As for you and the "rescue" concept, it could very well be true... and we can explore that whenever you'd like. I am happy to be of service! Anytime you'd like a question directed specifically to me, just type "Attention Heidi" at the start of the question, and the moderator will direct it to me... and I will answer as quickly as I am able! I can tell that you are truly a caring person... you will make the right choice!

Heidi LPC :

Oh, and thank you for using the site! I wish you all the very best... until next time!!

Customer:

Thanks Heidi, enjoy the rest of your day.


 


I appreciate your advice.

Heidi LPC, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 234
Experience: Licensed Professional Counselor
Heidi LPC and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Heidi LPC replied 1 year ago.
Thank you so very much for the positive rating, Russel!! Again, I am truly happy to be of service... have a great evening!

Attachments are only available to registered users.

Register Here

JustAnswer in the News:

 
 
 
Ask-a-doc Web sites: If you've got a quick question, you can try to get an answer from sites that say they have various specialists on hand to give quick answers... Justanswer.com.
JustAnswer.com...has seen a spike since October in legal questions from readers about layoffs, unemployment and severance.
Web sites like justanswer.com/legal
...leave nothing to chance.
Traffic on JustAnswer rose 14 percent...and had nearly 400,000 page views in 30 days...inquiries related to stress, high blood pressure, drinking and heart pain jumped 33 percent.
Tory Johnson, GMA Workplace Contributor, discusses work-from-home jobs, such as JustAnswer in which verified Experts answer people’s questions.
I will tell you that...the things you have to go through to be an Expert are quite rigorous.
 
 
 

What Customers are Saying:

 
 
 
  • I can go as far as to say it could have resulted in saving my sons life and our entire family now knows what bipolar is and how to assist and understand my most wonderful son, brother and friend to all who loves him dearly. Thank you very much Corrie Moll Pretoria, South Africa
< Last | Next >
  • I can go as far as to say it could have resulted in saving my sons life and our entire family now knows what bipolar is and how to assist and understand my most wonderful son, brother and friend to all who loves him dearly. Thank you very much Corrie Moll Pretoria, South Africa
  • I thank-you so much! It really helped to have this information and confirmation. We will watch her carefully and get her in for the examination and US right away if things do not improve. God bless you as well! Claudia Albuquerque, NM
  • Outstanding response time less than 6 minutes. Answered the question professionally and with a great deal of compassion. Kevin Beaverton, OR
  • Suggested diagnosis was what I hoped and will take this info to my doctor's appointment next week.
    I feel better already! Thank you.
    Elanor Tracy, CA
  • Thank you to the Physician who answered my question today. The answer was far more informative than what I got from the Physicians I saw in person for my problem. Julie Lockesburg, AR
  • You have been more help than you know. I seriously don't know what my sisters situation would be today if you had not gone above and beyond just answering my questions. John and Stefanie Tucson, AZ
  • I have been dealing with an extremely serious health crisis for over three years, and one your physicians asked me more questions, gave me more answers and encouragement than a dozen different doctors who have been treating me!! Janet V Phoenix, AZ
 
 
 

Meet The Experts:

 
 
 
  • Dr. Keane

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1262
    Clinical Psychology PhD, Licensed Professional Counselor with experience in marriage/family, teens and child psychology.
< Last | Next >
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/DR/Dr.Keane/2013-8-20_204325_drkeane.64x64.jpg Dr. Keane's Avatar

    Dr. Keane

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1262
    Clinical Psychology PhD, Licensed Professional Counselor with experience in marriage/family, teens and child psychology.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/RE/resolutions66/2011-1-17_05728_IMG8202smilingeditedforJustAnswer.64x64.jpg Elliott, LPCC, NCC's Avatar

    Elliott, LPCC, NCC

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    5024
    35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/formybunch/2010-12-06_191055_img_0975.jpg Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC's Avatar

    Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    3733
    Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/DR/DrAkiraOlsen/2012-2-20_746_AkiraADpicmain.64x64.jpg Dr. Olsen's Avatar

    Dr. Olsen

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    2336
    PsyD Psychologist
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/norriem/2009-5-27_134249_nm.jpg Norman M.'s Avatar

    Norman M.

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    2193
    UK trained in hypnotherapy, counselling and psychotherapy and have been in private practice. ADHP(NC), DEHP(NC), UKCP Registered and ECP.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/PsychologyProf/2010-07-15_171248_logos060400409.jpg Dr. Michael's Avatar

    Dr. Michael

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    2177
    Licensed Ph.D. Clinical Health Psychology with 30 years of experience in private practive and as a clinical psychology university professor.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/KURTEMMERLING/2010-07-23_215531_just_ask_picture1.jpg Steven Olsen's Avatar

    Steven Olsen

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1727
    More than twenty years of expertise in counseling, psychological diagnosis and education
 
 
 

Related Mental Health Questions