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Heidi LPC
Heidi LPC, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 235
Experience:  Licensed Professional Counselor
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I am just wondering is it me or my husband that is having a

Customer Question

I am just wondering is it me or my husband that is having a problem since every fight that we have he asks for a divorce. This is draining me anymore. I feel like lately we are more of roomates that marriage partners. Is it really time for a divorce since we have only been married for 3 years. Please help.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Heidi LPC replied 1 year ago.

Heidi LPC :

Hi there!! I am hoping to be of some assistance to you here today; has this just started, or has divorce been a threat that is used since the beginning?


 


 

Heidi LPC :

And, what generally causes an argument; for instance, is it money, time, children, etc..?

Customer:

It does't really take much, this one was over some family members that he doesn't like.

Heidi LPC :

So, whenever you disagree, he takes the conflict to the extreme solution... which kind of tells us that he doesn't like conflict or really know how to manage it. Does that sound correct?

Customer:

He doen't talk to me he just yells.


 

Customer:

Yes, and when i ask him why he doesn't talk to me when we are not arguing he just is quiet.

Heidi LPC :

So, you will disagree about something simple, and he resorts to just yelling, thinking that this will change your view, or is it that he wants to have the power in the situation? And then when you are just together, he doesn't talk to you much, in just a normal circumstance?

Customer:

Pretty much.

Customer:

He acts like nothing ever happened and he never says sorry for anything or any of the mean things that he has said to me that hurt me.

Heidi LPC :

A few things come to mind here... people come from different family models in which conflict is either managed or avoided or feared. And, also, people sometimes accept being treated in ways that they know in their hearts aren't healthy for them, because they fear being alone. In this case, you certainly sound as if you want to resolve your issues, but that your partner doesn't know how to, or doesn't want to. And you are conflicted as to whether his behavior should be acceptable to you or not.

Customer:

That is the truth. I know he hasn't lived the healthiest life in any relationship and he is the one that keeps everything to himself and then unleashes when an argument arises but i am stuck trying to make it work since this is my second marriage and i have two kids.

Heidi LPC :

Relationships are going to face conflict and disagreement at times; this is to be expected. What makes the difference is if partners have healthy communication skills or are willing to learn how to resolve issues between the couple, then the marriage will continue to grow. If one partner is unwilling to communicate or learn how to, the marriage will become stalled. And, all marriages go through periods of ease and periods of difficulty... very normal. What makes the difference is learning how to disagree respectfully XXXXX XXXXX a caring fashion, with the goal being resolving the problem without personal attacks and other games.

Customer:

This is the problem we don't talk until an argument arrises at all. and i don't know how to get him to open up to me without being affraid that it will cause a fight so i just let it go. I wish he would tell me what the true problem in stead of using small pitty fight as an excuse as divorce is the only way out. I am growing tired of this and am actully considering it.

Heidi LPC :

If he could learn to focus on the actual issue and not the feelings that the idea of conflict creates inside himself, he may be able to work through it. But he has to be willing to try. You have to keep in mind that they only person you can ever change is yourself, and that you can ask him to work on this, but inevitably, it has to be his decision to not want to have another relationship end poorly. If you feel, deep inside, that you deserve to be treated with respect and love and care, and that this relationship just isn't going to help you feel safe, loved and supported, it may just be that you have reached the point where you need to get out of it in order to live a more healthy life. Your kids deserve to see a healthy marriage, so they know what to look for when they are ready to commit to one.

Customer:

I knew this would be the answer but I guess I just needed support of admiting it to myself. Thank you. I know I cannot do this alone since there is two of us in this relationship. I need to stop thinking about everyone else but myself and like you said this is not healthy for me or the kids.

Heidi LPC :

I am attaching a link to an article about emotionally abusive relationships: http://voices.yahoo.com/end-cycle-getting-out-emotionally-abusive-1298649.html


 


Read this and see if the description sounds familiar to you, and know that happiness in life is a choice we have to make for ourselves. Allowing yourself to be treated with disrespect, not talking to your own husband for fear of upsetting him is not healthy for you. You have a right to happiness and love in your life, but only you can create that for yourself by refusing to accept less.

Customer:

Thank you Heidi I should know better but I didn't want to belive it that another marriage has failed.

Heidi LPC :

It's not your fault. We have to love ourselves first, before we can identify what we want love to feel like for us... work on your own self-confidence, and get your power back. You can do this! I am happy to support you here in anyway that I can; if you'd ever like to chat further, just put "attention Heidi" at the front of your question, and it will be directed to me specifically. I wish you strength, courage and all the very best!

Customer:

Thank you!

Heidi LPC, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 235
Experience: Licensed Professional Counselor
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