Well, I started EMDR. The first time, we did
an unrelated thing that wasn't too upsetting. And it worked - any disturbance I had felt was gone. I was really surprised. So the last 2 weeks we did it on what happened - haven't gotten too far yet. I was surprised to have to tell her all the details. And she asks a bunch of questions about it. I was kind of caught off-guard. And kind of mad at Linda for telling me I wouldn't have to tell rose anything. It hasn't been hugely effective yet. Maybe a little. It is hard to tell her these details and it absolutely exhausts me. And I find that I am really upset in between. Last time we didn't go over much of it, I think because she could tell how difficult some of it was just to get out. I started tearing up a little, too. I couldn't help it. And at the end, when she was trying to relax me before leaving, she said to think of something I would want to change about the picture we were working on - anything I wanted. I said "okay, then this time, I'm not there." And she started trying to get me to envision me having walked away, etc. THAT upset me. I told her this isn't going to work - because it is not true. So she tried having me think about my friends and silly stuff, which did calm things down.
I was also surprised - since rose is just doing EMDR with me - that she gave me homework and stuff. She suggested a book to me called "Healing the Shame That Binds Us". I downloaded it to my kindle, but have only read the preface thus far. She also has had me this week keep a log of the date, the situation, and the feelings I'm having. Also, she asked me to try to write a letter to The mean one. A lot of homework this week - & I thought we were just going to do emdr. I already had an appointment for next week, and she asked me to set up 3 more so we will have them set. I get the sense she feels she misjudged the number of sessions she estimated. Why does that always happen with me and this stuff? Am I just really slow?
I didn't see Linda this week because of scheduling issues. I kind of decided to take a break because I feel overwhelmed with the EMDR. And because looking at how upset I felt when I thought I wouldn't be able to see her during the EMDR, and the way I sometimes get mad at her when I shouldn't and maybe have unreasonable expectations , I am concerned that I have become too dependent on her and too attached. We had a good talk today, though (I will fill you in on a follow-up). But she says the attachment is not unhealthy and I am not so dependent on her and it is a good thing and makes sense because she and I have slowly built up to where I can express my feelings and talk about them with her and I am feeling a need to do that. She said that we have not yet talked about it and she realizes my parents are good people and lover and I love them, but she thinks I was "emotionally abandoned" by them and have abandonment issues we need to address. She said it is from childhood but is deep and is not from what happened but makes dealing with it more difficult.
You and I have discussed kind of this thing, but I would no have thought I had "abandonment issues." But maybe she is right. I looked it up online and the first thing I found said that emotional abandonment is when children have to hide part of their true selves or they will not be accepted. Wow. That rings true. Is that really the same thing? Would you say I have emotional abandonment issues? And if so, is that why it is so hard or me to deal normally with what happened? And how dock fix that? And what does that have to do with my (at least perceived) attachment to/dependence on Linda right now?