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Coach Jen K.
Coach Jen K., LCSW, CPC
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1776
Experience:  Licensed Master Social Worker. Certified Life Coach
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Is it all my fault the marriage failed? Have I done wrong?

Resolved Question:

I have been married to a man for a year. We met for four months before we got married. He swept me off my feet acted like he was crazy about me and proposed to me nearly straight away. He is muslim so wanted to get married before sex. We married within two weeks in a mosque then four months later legally. He is older than me 52 and I am 38. He was widowed with two teenagers 15 and 12. We did not totally agree on having kids or not before we got married. I now that was a BIG MISTAKE. He said that he would have one for me as he wouldn't want to loose me but never said 100% no. I never said 100% yes. The trouble is that the last year has been terrible. He yells at me all the time. He is critical of me for being too quiet (I do have a quiet voice everyone tells me). He says I am not a good enough step mum to his kids. He says I am not ambitious enough. Etc Etc Etc. I have also done things wrong. I became quite upset about not ever having a child of my own. This was made worse because being with him and his kids I felt upset beyond what I expected to feel (probably jealous). I wanted him to love me as much as he had with his previous wife and to want to have a kid with me. He however said he doesn't love me enough that we are incompatible and that he doesn,t want a child with me. This hurt a lot and I have been often quite unhappy. He encouraged me to be successful at work focus on my career...we are both doctors. However I felt so down with not having children that I felt unmotivated. He is more clever than me........ we are both doctors but his career is better than mine Im just an average doctor. Anyway because he was always shouting at me for hours including in front of his kids. Calling me names and swearing at me. Calling me crazy, bad at communication etc etc for hours I became scared about committing to the relationship. He wanted us to move to the USA and I was scared to go with a man with such ability to shout and scream. He was always saying from the start if I didn't change he would leave. He has done this from the start even on out honeymoon. So I have done bad things like stall on the visa application for the states. I work away from home during the week and stay in a flat at work a few nights a week. I have not changed my name and was quite mean financially towards him. He wanted me to give him £5,000 but I wouldnt because I was always on the verge of leaving. When we argue he calls me names and tells me to leave his house. That Im horrible etc etc. I admit that I was so upset that he didn't want to have kids with me and that I found it hard to be loving towards his kids( I was always nice to them Im not a bad person I just couldnt be the full on mother he wanted for his kids). I resented that he never had money to have a child with me but sends his kids to the most expensive schools in the country. I made another mistake in that I did not tell him before I got married that I had anorexia when I was a teenager he says things like im crazy and that I married him by deceit. He is controlling he tells me to look at him while im talking, walk faster, work harder etc etc. Sometimes of course he is very sweet and loving beyond any one I have ever met before, The sex is fantastic and he has helped me a lot with work by improving my training. However things have got so bad he was always shouting, ignoring me or sulking in his study. He often slept in a different room and with held sex because I had behaved badly. He shouts a lot but he denies it and he says its because I make him because we are incompatable.He makes me grovel for forgivness and beg for him to try and make things work. Inside I feel humiliated and angry but I do it because I want to save my marriage. It got so bad that I left him to stay at work after he shouted at me again again two weeks ago. Now he says he wants a divorce. I thought he would cry to leave me but he says he doesnt want me any more that he feels nothing. My question is I still feel that I love this man I married. Is it really all my fault. Should I have not been so upset as I was. I feel like I have lost the love of my life and it was my fault for not having self control. Any advice?

Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Coach Jen K. replied 2 years ago.

CoachJenK :

Hi. Welcome. I am a Licensed Master Social Worker with more than 20 years experience working with individuals and families on a variety of issues.

Customer:

hi


 

CoachJenK :

Hi. I am so sorry to hear of all this strife.


 

CoachJenK :

I do hear a lovely woman in you who is taking a lot of responsibility for his poor actions toward you


 

CoachJenK :

that is heartbreaking to hear


 

Customer:

thank you it is heartbreaking. he says 100% it is all my fault


 

CoachJenK :

and relationships just dont work that way.


 

CoachJenK :

two people to make it work and two people to work on the difficutlies


 

Customer:

he is a great talker I think he could be right but im not sure


I dont think he should shout but I have done things to upset him

CoachJenK :

you have believed his view and now feel so sad and humiliated as you say and you deserve more than that


 

CoachJenK :

we all do things to upset our partners...you are not the only one


 

Customer:

yes but i am still i think I feel in love with him. The man I met is very attractive, clever, funny ....exciting. I just cant do anything to make things right. Nothing is good enough. I think maybe he never loved me like he said he did. This is heartbreaking

CoachJenK :

I know you love him...I hear it and it is very devastating where things are right now.


 

CoachJenK :

you may have hit it on the head when you said nothing you do is right and nothing is good enough...that may have nothing to do with you and all to do with an emptiness in him and something that you may never be able to fix for hi,


 

Customer:

he says things like no one has ever annoyed him like me. that I make him so angry with my faults. Also he claims that his previous marriage (deceased wife) was so perfect.

CoachJenK :

most deceased spouses are perfect and I hope you understand how i mean that....


 

CoachJenK :

it would be too painful to know that every relationship has some issues and there is no such thing as perfection.


 

CoachJenK :

I am sure it is not easy to be compared to his ex wife...that has to be very hard to live up to and he may not have been ready to move past it


 

Customer:

I know. I wouldn't ask him to say anything bad about someone he loved that was dead. She has been dead for 9 years and they were only married for 8.


 


he seems to love his kids and they love him. He is strict but they seem happy together.


 


Maybe it is just me.

CoachJenK :

I am so sad to hear you say these things about yourself. I am sure you are a lovely woman...i can hear it...a wonderful doctor and i think he has some deep sadness and rage and sadly he takes it out on you.


 

CoachJenK :

would he go to any type of counseling with you?


 

Customer:

no way. he is 100% convinced he has done nothing wrong at all.

CoachJenK :

and that is not realistic that he believes that.


 

CoachJenK :

so what can we do for you then? The focus needs to be on you and how you can heal. he sounds abusive at times


 

Customer:

he wont change his mind or reason.......if i try he gets really angry shouting for hours and hours.


 

CoachJenK :

dont you want more for yourself? I know you love him but you deserve to be treated well.


 

Customer:

he twists stuff round and says i cant communicate with him etc etc


he sulks for days.


he shouts at me in front of the kids.

CoachJenK :

and how then can you take responsibility for that? truly....read what you just wrote.


 

Customer:

I do love him. He is right about many things I have a lot of faults. Im 40 now I was 38 when I met him and I think I don't want to be with any one else. Im too old prob to meet someone and have kids now anyway.

CoachJenK :

We ALL have faults. He has really done a number on you and your self esteem. would oyu consider some counseling for yourself to rebuild what he has torn down?


 

Customer:

To be honest my self esteem was not great before I still feel bad about being anorexic when I was 15 to 17


The thing is he says he wants out now. he wants a divorce.


I thought maybe he would love me and want to stay with me that he was being abusive to keep me. But maybe he was just treating me like that because he didnt love me and wanted me to leave and I just made it hard by clining on for dear life

CoachJenK :

I have worked with many people who have had anorexia and dont get beaten up for having it by their spouse even if yu didnt tell him. you were young


 

CoachJenK :

I think he has loved you but I think he has some issues with anger and you are an easy target


 

Customer:

Well do you think there is anything I could do to help him? He is very smart a proff at top universities etc. he does have some big ideas though. He thinks god is guiding him. He has grand ideas about working and making a difference. He wants to do really well. he likes the finer things in life. He has a lot of anger about his wife dying and being left a single dad.

CoachJenK :

All you can do is let him know you love him and would like the marriage to work but my worry is that he is a bit grandiose and self centered to do what it takes to make things work


 

Customer:

He also had a short marriage in the past 22 months. Three weeks before he met me he was engaged to someone else. It ended badly i think. He blames this other women's daughter. In fact he blames all his ex's for being horrible. Except his deceased wife.


 

CoachJenK :

this should be more info about his character


 

Customer:

Do you think he could change? If i convinced him I loved him would he be nice. Or will he always complain? I have to admitt I was grumpy with him sometimes this year and resented him a bit for being selfish about kids.

CoachJenK :

I do not see much change happening in any person who believes it is everyone elses fault all the time. We all get grumpy...thats life...we deal with it.


 

CoachJenK :

I am not sure he can be nice


 

Customer:

Do you think that anyone capable of shouting for hours and sulking and swearing etc is ever likely to change in your experience?

CoachJenK :

Not unless they believe they have an issue and would like to work on it and actually does the hard work. I do not hear that here


 

Customer:

No he thinks it is all my fault. He says he has prayed to God to make it work. Now he thinks God thinks divorce is a good idea. So I guess there is not much I can do but accept it.

CoachJenK :

And focus on you and your healing and know that you deserve to be treated well


 

Customer:

I know this sounds crazy but I kind of wanted him to plead with me to come back. Say he missed me. But he just wants to forget about me how bad I was and move on. I am left here loving him and confused about what really happened to the "love of my life".

CoachJenK :

It does not sound crazy...of course you would want that


 

Customer:

Everything you read says men who are abusive normally say sorry and beg you to come back. He doesnt he just says its my fault and he wants out. So now I think he does not love me or ever did really.

CoachJenK :

Because I think his issues run deeper than just the abuse and his narcissism prevents him from seeing his ways and taking responsibility


 

Customer:

Could you advise as to what you really think his issues are?


 

Customer:

I know you have never me him but a educated guess?


 


 

CoachJenK :

I hear a lot of narcissism and while I can't make a diagnosis here that is what it sounds like to me


 

CoachJenK :

Take a look at this book when we are done. http://www.amazon.com/Disarming-Narcissist-Surviving-Thriving-Self-Absorbed/dp/1572245190/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1350088539&sr=8-1&keywords=living+with+a+narcissist


 

CoachJenK :

you dont have to remember the link because after we are done and you rate my work you will get a copy of our time together


 

Customer:

Yes I know your just going by what I tell you. So do narcissts change? Also how come he is so nice to everyone else.

CoachJenK :

very hard for them to change without a lot of work. nice to everyone else because their self esteem depends on how they look to the outside world


 

CoachJenK :

Did I lose you?


 

Customer:

One more point I wont keep going on I promise. Can You tell me he keeps accusing me of hurting his kids by not being loving enough. I am ok with them. Ok I am not super step mum. They are teenagers. He is so bad at making me feel guilty about them. He is always going on about how everyone tells him they are such wonderful kids. They are great but so are most kids. I dont love them like me own although I care for them a lot. i would never say that to him. He is so mean to me that I kind have felt like a outsider as when he is upset they are all cuddly together and leave me as a outsider. Do you think he can pick up on this and that this is ruining things?


 


 

Customer:

He loves to talk about how great his kids are. They are not like normal kids etc etc

CoachJenK :

I think he is findi


ng fault in you wherever he can.

CoachJenK :

you are in such a tough spot because they lost their mother...you sound like you are doing a fine job.


 

CoachJenK :

he sounds grandiose about most things including his kids


 

CoachJenK :

read the book i listed above...i think it will give you great insight and feel less responsible for it all


 

Customer:

I guess there is no magic answer. He doesnt think he has a problem. He doesnt want to change. I guess I just let him walk away. Although I wanted to keep him.

CoachJenK :

I understand.


 

Customer:

ok will read the book. He is so good at convincing me it is my fault. He knows my weak spots.


 

CoachJenK :

Yes and you are good at letting it happen....but you are worth it and deserve to be treated well


 

Customer:

yes well thats ok but I still loose my husband. Oh well. Thats life!

CoachJenK :

unless he wants to do some work to save it.


 

Customer:

Thanks for your help.

CoachJenK :

come to me anytime. I am here to support you


 

Customer:

Thank you.


 


 

CoachJenK :

please take a moment to click on the rating tab to offer a rating of my work. my goal has been to give you excellent support


 

CoachJenK :

you can request me just write for coachjenk


 

Customer:

Thank you will do.

Customer:

ok.

CoachJenK :

I am here when and if you need me


 

CoachJenK :

can i support you any further now? If not please take a moment to offer a rating.


 

Customer:

Sorry I will give you a good rating.


I never told you that when I first me him. He used to lecture me for hours on how I should be more outgoing less quiet and talk louder . I mean for hours. Now these are things I need to work on. I don have problems in these areas. The fact that he thought it was a good idea to do this and lecture somone for hours. Have you ever heard of someone doing that before. I mean I have never met someone who does that. Also why the hell did he marry me and say he loved me if he had these problems with me before we got married.

CoachJenK :

the problems are within him and it was his desire to shape you into what he believed you should be. that is very destructive and I am sorry to hear you went through that


 

Customer:

but I do have these problems I mean he is not saying things that are far fetched all the time. It just seems that he did not love me really I just was a women he thought he would change to be what he wanted. When I couldnt he dumped me.


 

CoachJenK :

even if those things are true there is a way to love someone while working on those things rather than hours and hors of lectures.


 

Customer:

Do you think that I could ever fullfill his needs or desires. If I decided to put up with his tantrums at least I would have him. But maybe he would always leave me as I would never be good enough?

CoachJenK :

that could be...hard for me to know what he felt but it soun


ds like he does things based on what he needs without much thought for another.

CoachJenK :

I believe when you read the book i suggested you will understand a lot more


 

Customer:

one last thing. Is it really really bad I didnt tell him I was ill when i was younger. I dont like telling people as I hate it. He was pretty pissed off with me. And as it turns out as a coincidence his first wife he divorced after 22months had anorexia. I didnt know this. Know he thinks I am not wired correctly as he likes to say.

CoachJenK :

It is part of your history and it is clear why you didnt want to tell him and sure can he wish you did? sure, but is it the end of the world? no. Nor does it mean you arent wired correctly.


 

Customer:

can you believe his first wife had the same thing. What are the chances!

CoachJenK :

 


..its not that uncommon

Customer:

ok will read the book. It has helped me to vent!

CoachJenK :

I am glad. come to me anytime.


 

CoachJenK :

get some rest.


 

Customer:

thanks

CoachJenK :

please offer a rating


 

CoachJenK :

I am not credited unless you offer a rating.


 

Customer:

i have i think

CoachJenK :

you havent yet. there is a tab to click on to rate me


 

CoachJenK :

you have done that yet


 

CoachJenK :

have not done that


 

Customer:

i pressed it once. Will it charge me twice if I do it again?


 

CoachJenK :

nothing has come through


 

Coach Jen K., LCSW, CPC
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1776
Experience: Licensed Master Social Worker. Certified Life Coach
Coach Jen K. and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you

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