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Hello- Thank you for asking the question. I have over 30 years of experience working with individuals, couples and families & am happy to reply.
I am sorry to hear about the trauma you wife experience as a child. Base on what you have written, and having worked with abused children for 35 years, I know this is a longstanding issues and unresolved can bring prolonged
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Thankyou Bill. Sorry I may have been quick off the mark, but the Just Answer system seems to have changed, and it said you first line was the answer. Yet my question is clearly asking for methods and exercises that might help my wife deal with the trauma. It is not something she remembers, but it has become a foundation stone in her life which is why getting pregnant has made her so ill.
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Its ok Camille I can wait
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I prefer to wait for a psychologist to answer (I am not sure if you are, it looks from your profile that you are nurse)?
I think you are trying to read between the lines. Our relationship is good. The problem is the pressure of the time, 2-3 months left in the pregnancy and little or no focus on the trauma of her childhood, which is the source of her having taking a decision not to have a child when she was 8 or 9 years old. Which is not a rational, or reasonable decision, because it was not taken with all the faculties and experience needed. Subsequently, she has grown up and looked at times to avoid certain types of responsability. Her psychiatrists (she spent a month in hospital with 8 ECT sessions) have all said about the trauma being the real issue and not the pregnancy, so while we are able to talk more at the moment about this, I want to help by using therapuetic methods, and/or exercises that might help explore this. She doesn't remember many specific things that led her to take that decision so early, so I can't just talk it out. But want to help advance things along.
She has learned the relaxation exercies and confontation of thoughts, but she can't remember the details of the "trauma" it was essentially being given responsibility for helping to bring up her brothers at too early an age, or her perception of the responsibility, the lack of praise from her mother, lost part of her childhood and so on.About how she feels, she doesn't want to be a mother, as she decided at such an early ager her life has been built on that decision taken at 8 or 9 in turn based on this trauma. So her feelings all revolve around that firm decision she took all that time ago. Even though she can recognise these things it doesn't take away the constant thoughts of not wanting this.I await your reply and a bit more guidance on the type of questions, and exercises that might help.
Yes thats correct, she is totally rejecting the idea. She blames herself at times for not preventing this (she feels it is something we could have avoided) and other times blames me (when she is having an anxiety attack).
In other areas of her life she has (with this depression) recognised that she has tried to avoid becoming responsible for other people, its not totally rejecting being responsible, she is generally very responsible, its rejecting being responsible for another person.
The response to the anxiety attacks is reminders it will pass quickly, reminders about breathing and usually some form of physical contact, holding hand etc.Plan for the next couple of months we are working out day by day at the moment, as talking too far ahead is too stressful
The response to the anxiety attacks is reminders it will pass quickly, reminders about breathing and usually some form of physical contact, holding hand etc.Plan for the next couple of months we are working out day by day at the moment, as talking too far ahead is too stressful.I felt to a lesser degree the same feeling of not wanting, but despite initial disappointment I have the usual fears, but am ok with this. Although it would be alot easier to be ok, to be looking forward, to be happy if my wife were. I suppose I have blocked off becoming "over the moon happy" due to fear of dividing us more emotionally.
I think its not so much a question of believing she can, she just doesnt want to based on her childhood experiences, was hoping for some other type of exercises or discussion methods to help, but you are basically saying breathing exercises and recounting, and acceptance is the solution. I don't know if thats the case since she built her life around that decision.
I don't think she feels she will be a terrible mother because she made mistakes, it was more that her mother didn't thank, praise her enough and that she lost her childhood feeling overly responsbile for her brothers.
I don't think she feels she will be a terrible mother because she made mistakes, it was more that her mother didn't thank, praise her enough and that she lost her childhood feeling overly responsbile for her brothers. So your comments are not that useful in helping me probe a bit more.
The situation currently is that she is seeing a talk therapist, who listens but its not cognitive, so there are no exercises to do, and she continues to want to die, her pyschiatrist has said that with the hospitalization and medicine she should be depression free, and that its more a personality disorder - stubornness in refusing to change when confronted with something she doesnt want to do. She is asking me if I am ready for parenthood so that after the child is born she will disappear. I really don't know how to help her. We discuss her feelings but she has forgotten that she told me she wanted to get better, and seems like now she sees only one way out again. She is a stubborn person this can be a good quality to have but in this situation its not. Talking about her childhood doesn't help, she refuses to accept her thinking is not normal, and that as nobody understands its ok. Any suggestions on things I can do on a daily basis to help. We are about 4 or 5 weeks away from birth.