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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5556
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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My ex and I have been separated for 3 years, while we were

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My ex and I have been separated for 3 years, while we were together he cheated on me, he lied and I discovered he was a full blown narcissist who cannot think of any other persons needs but his own. We separated because he was unable to be the husband and father me and my sons needed, his desires, agenda, plans etc.. ALWAYS came before any of us and when we needed him, it was always an inconvenience to him. after 3 years, he ofcourse has not changed, hes antisocial, and puts himself out there on dating websites and gets a few dates here and there that have never lasted longer than 3 months. He's alone 90% of the time, has his sons 20 hours a week. He goes to shows, sports games with me and boys, does not celebrate holidays with us or birthdays for boys, BUT we have sex like 6 times a year and its absolutely amazing. I still love him but have come to terms that he is not what a husband and father should be or what me and my boys need. I date on and off, leaving no attachments to my "dates" and he does the same. More so than not, he tells me he hates me, wishes I would die and the biggest mistake he's ever made was meeting me... but then he makes love to me... I and my sons have made a great life without "daddy" home and he does not ask for more than the 1 day a week he is scheduled to be with his boys. Why does he tell me how horrible he hates me, treats me like a stranger on the street more often than not, and then makes love to me "passionately" couple times a year???? I'm soooo confused!! I really enjoy the sex we have as well, but the aftermath on me emotionally makes me sooo confused and sad because why can we have such good closeness physically but he cannot be like that for the Whole Family? I wish I could have the man I was alone physically with last night, home with me and our sons and him to be that man all the time for all of us, be a full time daddy, husband, loving sharing man. I don't understand how he works? is it his narcissism? am I just a piece of butt when he's in a lull? Does he love me and just wont admit it? Event though he repeatedly tells me he hates me? Please help me see things from a reality perspective versus an emotional perspective.
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.
Hello, I'd like to help you with your question.

It sounds like your husband enjoys hurting you emotionally then having sex with you because it is all about him. He is getting his needs met by expressing feelings of dislike and yet being able to still have sex with you. It is a way to hurt you and still get what he wants. And it also can be a form of control. He may feel that he is able to hurt you and still get you to "give" him yourself.

Men also view sex differently than women do. He is probably not seeing the sex you are having as a connection to each other, but rather as a tool and as something he can use against you. Women typically see sex as an emotional connection. However, for someone who has narcissism and also possibly anti social traits, sex can be an emotion less activity.

You may still feel this connection with him because he is familiar to you, as well as the possibility that there is some co dependency there. It is also possible that you grew up with parents who were narcissistic or were abusive in some way. That allows you to feel comfortable with your husband's words and how he treats you.

How you proceed from here depends on what you want as a goal. If you want to end the relationship, that may involve deciding to divorce or at least keeping your husband's involvement just with the children. You may also want to consider therapy to help you find out why you feel as you do about what your husband does.

If you want to continue to see your husband for this relationship, you might want to consider some boundaries for yourself. Although people with personality disorders typically do not respond well to boundaries, it is worth a try. Deciding what you want is the first step. Then letting your husband know is the next. For example, saying that you want him to change how he reacts with you and the kids outside of your relationship in the bedroom then letting him know exactly what you want.

Either way you choose, seeing a therapist can help you sort out how you feel and what you want out of this marriage. Keeping it as it is seems to be hurting you, and that is not what you want for yourself.

I hope this has helped you,
Kate
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Great answer, but with all said, would a man do this? Continue to want to have sex, hang out with me and his sons occassionally and not care for me at all? If he's so hurt and withdrawn, is there something in these actions telling me he wants more, wants his famyily back? Reason I ask is that if that possibility is there, I want him to come home to me and his sons, but with anti social and narcissism, hell no I don't and I need to stop it all. Why would he adamently say he hates me and then ask me to come over to make love? It's horrible. And Ofcourse I do because I still love him. I'm just in acceptance of our break up but I still care.
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

It is certainly possible that a man would do this if he lacks the necessary emotional abilities to see beyond himself and see that he is hurting his family. And it does not sound like your husband understands, or at least he refuses to understand. that he is hurting all of you.

He would have to address his issues (whatever is causing him to act as he does) before he would be able to treat you and your sons with any type of decency. And that this point, he doesn't seem to have any insight at all. So the decision to keep seeing him is up to you. He will most likely not change how he is so it unfortunately leaves the decision making about the relationship up to you.

Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5556
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Mental Health Professional
5556 Satisfied Customers
Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.