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Ask Coach Jen K. Your Own Question

Coach Jen K.
Coach Jen K., LCSW, CPC
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1812
Experience:  Licensed Master Social Worker. Certified Life Coach
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Hi, My partner and I can have very loud, very contentious

Resolved Question:

Hi,

My partner and I can have very loud, very contentious arguments. I have the ability to be like a dog with a bone with something and keep on and eventually my partner flips. He is never physically violent with me but he shouts, screams and hits walls or things against walls or the floor.

We have a 15 month old. He doesn't do it in front of the 15 month old but often in the next room and, understandably, my son cries at the frightening noises. I try to calm my partner and my son when this happens and pick my son up and cuddle him and take him away but I'm so, so worried that we will permanently damage him by doing this. On one particular argument, for example, my son followed my partner around afterward, crying, and I thought he might think he had upset my partner. He often clings to my leg too when we argue and cries, I feel so bad about what we are doing.

It's really, really, upsetting and makes both of us feel so guilty as we feel we are ruining our beautiful boy. We're considering splitting up over it as I can't stand to see my son following my partner around again like that time - would this be best in the long run?
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Coach Jen K. replied 2 years ago.

CoachJenK :

Hi. Welcome. I am a Licensed Master Social Worker with more than 20 years experience working with individuals and families on a variety of issues.

CoachJenK :

I am sorry to hear of this problem that exists between you and your partner. I commend you for reaching out to begin to look t what you know isn't a great situation for all involved.


 

Customer:

No it's not! More for my son than anyone else


 


 

CoachJenK :

Have the two of your considered getting into therapy together so you can learn some alternate ways of expressing yourself so that it doesn't end in this way that can be so disturbing for your son?


 

CoachJenK :

you can both learn the skills to know the triggers, remove yourself from each other before it escalates and come back to each other when you both feel calmer and try to work through it.


 

CoachJenK :

If you stay together this is a must


 

Customer:

No we haven't, it's something that I think we should consider, he was considering anger management too as it's like a red flag when he goes


 


 

CoachJenK :

would i call it quits before you have tried these other options? probably not.


 

Customer:

I don't want to but it's not fair on baby, I think I'd like to try something first

CoachJenK :

yes I think that is great. I like the idea of learning to control the anger and deal more effectively with it, but I do also think that therapy can be wonderful to see what buttons get pressed for both of you and why


 

CoachJenK :

I hear that too. I think your partner will as well as you both seem to have the interest of your baby first and that is good parenting.


 

Customer:

Yes, I can be pretty nasty when I want to be and he feels I grind him down which is why he loses control, we definitely have his best interests at heart

CoachJenK :

If you partner refuses to go for therapy together then it is not likely that this dynamoc will change, but there is hope if you both do the hard work.


 

Customer:

I think triggers would be good to find out

CoachJenK :

proud of you that you can see that in yourself. also think of it this way....your son learns what you teach him and not just by words...by your actions. So in addition to him being frightened he is learning to fight in this way and that is not what you desire.


 

Customer:

No I know that's exactly what I said to my partner

CoachJenK :

he needs to feel safe with two loving parents and learn how to express himself in appropriate ways and he can only learn that by you doing that.


 

CoachJenK :

amen!


 

Customer:

Indeed!

CoachJenK :

Will your partner go for help?


 

Customer:

I think he will, he's at work at the moment so would need to talk to him

Customer:

He said he would go to the GP for anger management and I also think couples therapy would be beneficial

CoachJenK :

yes and the way to talk to him about it is without blame or fault on either one of you. It is a dynamic that you are both in. you are willing to look at how you contribute to it all and hope he will too. without going, then your son is at riask


 

CoachJenK :

yes I am with you on both.


 

CoachJenK :

and you need to dig deep to see why you grind and become a dog with a bone.


 

CoachJenK :

we can all be reactive and fighting is normal, but it is how we fight and express ourselves. We all deserve to be heard but express in the right way.


 

CoachJenK :

can you GP refer you to a local therapist?


 

Customer:

Probably if I ask, or I can find one

CoachJenK :

where in the uk are you located?


 

Customer:

East Sussex

CoachJenK :

let me look for a moment. I am still here with you while I am looking


 

Customer:

Ok thanks

Customer:

I have no idea why I keep on at things, they're not even big things, could he not leave the Sky box on all night etc etc, really not worth a massive row, but that's how they turn out and he said he thinks if we carry on I'll end up breaking his spirit which is a very sad thing for him to say

CoachJenK :

Here is a link to several therapists in your area. http://righttherapist.com/dir/therapists/east-sussex/relationships/transactional-analysis/


 

Customer:

Thank you

CoachJenK :

you do not need to write that link down...when we are done and you complete your rating of my work you will get a copy of this chat in an email to you.


 

CoachJenK :

I truly am proud


that you can open up and look at that. You dont want to break his spirit or your won so work hard on why it hits you so hard so you can live and let live.

CoachJenK :

practice feeling grateful for what you have rather than picking on the things that are bothersome.


 

CoachJenK :

sometimes a little shift in your thinking and feeling grateful can be very helpful.


 

Customer:

yes, he says I make him feel inadequate and I dont mean to, I should focus on that

Customer:

and I AM grateful, he's the most fantastic provider and dad

CoachJenK :

nice! so glad you feel that. Now let him know that and work on all of it and then he can work on his reactions.


 

Customer:

Ok, thank you, XXXXX XXXXX to go and collect my son now, thank you for your time, that's been really helpful, I was thinking counselling would be a good idea and you've definitely confirmed that and made me feel it's not all hopeless!

CoachJenK :

I also like to suggest sometimes the power of self hypnosis. Here is a link to help to feel gratitude. http://www.deeptrancenow.com/gratitude.php


 

Customer:

Ok, thank you for that too

CoachJenK :

excellent. please take a moment to click on the rating tab. my goal is excellent support.


 

CoachJenK :

my pleasure.


 

Customer:

I will do indeed

CoachJenK :

thank you


 

Coach Jen K., LCSW, CPC
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1812
Experience: Licensed Master Social Worker. Certified Life Coach
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Coach Jen K.
Coach Jen K.
Social Worker, Professional Coach
648 Satisfied Customers
Licensed Master Social Worker. Certified Life Coach