Welcome to Just answer !
Well i am sorry to know about what you have been going through , but what is commendable here is your son's honesty and trust that he has in you, so continue to support hi in this because he is not only embarrassed and scared but also very much confused.
But having said that i will like to take this opportunity to ask you to calm down and do not jump to hasty conclusions.
You see it is a normal physicological process that when one is growing up and is between the age group of 5-12 yrs , the children of both sexes are curious about their own gender and also about their private parts and so to allay this curiousity they tend to explore their own private parts as well as at times may indulge in exploring private parts of children of their own age.
And that is why it is so important for any parent to start imparting the knowledge about his own private parts and how these not to be allowed to be touched by any stranger and if this does happen then report about it to you.
At the same time to allay their curiousity to explore and diffrerentiate their pribate parts from the other gender , a parent needs to educate them about some core differences between male and female gender..
No, I won't do anything hasty...I just need someone to tell me my next step. He has been very forthcoming about what it is they do. He said he feels butterflys and sometimes has images in his head of kissing in bed. I asked him if if he saw this on TV or if someone has touched him inappropriately before and he says no.
I can understand that this kind of teaching may not be comfortable for any parent to impart and must make one very distressed and embarrassed about this but one has to start educating the child about his own body..
Well yes the next step for you to do is to
make him aware about his own body features , his private parts and to make him aware of not allowing any stanger to touch them in any way which is inappropriate..
The child of his age according to freudian theory of psychology is a bag of curiousity about his own gender and sexuality..
and tries to explore his body and of others to become aware of his own gender and to differentiate it from others and also to identify other children of the same gender..
I have had the private parts talk...nobody touches it, if you want to touch it do it in your bedroom privately and all that. I can't help but worry that maybe he was touched inappropriately by an adult...am I being crazy?
You may not believe but this kind of curious exploration of each other bodies in kids is very common.
No you are not being crazy..
you are just shocked to know about this..
Ok, so do I keep listening about all the stuff....he just keeps telling me more and more...
and understandably so because you never expected this kind of revealation from your little one, the initial few days must be of denial as you must be thinking that may be he is exaggerating or imagining..
Not denial...he said was doing it in 1st and 2nd grade...in the bathroom!! He is in 3rd now.
yes you need to hear him out first , but in a very cool and mature manner without making any assumptions or expressing any disgust or embarrassment as children are very much observant and if your child gets a feel that you are being embarrassed by his revealation then he may choose to withdraw from you and keep this under wraps and suffer on his own..
....he knows right from wrong, I mean I assume that's why he's so upset and had to tell me right? What do I say to him....
So listen to him , do not pass any judgment , but do involve yourself firmly in telling that son these are your private parts and these are not be exposed or allowed to be touched by any one else .
And also encourage him that mommy is there for him to help him so please do tell mommy if at any time there was or is someone who tries to touch you at these private parts , he should report to you immediately without any embarrassment or hesitation
Mommy will be more than forthcoming to helping him out..
All your child needs to know at this point is that you are not mad at him , you still love and care for him but at the same time tell him that he should not do this in future and report to you when some one tries to do do this to him, mommy is the one to be reported about this..
Ok....I feel like he is looking for more from me by telling be...or is he just happy to get it off his chest? What if he's telling me he can't help himself?
he is trying to seek redemption from you by saying what has happened in the past , you are not mad over that and you still love him , so ask him to forget that event, but also take promise from him that he should not do it again ever and should report to you immediately if someone tries to do it ..
I think your son just wants reassurances from you and he finds this as a burden to bear , he must have had a hard time bearimg it all these years and that is why he seeks your help to let him overcome this plus he wants your forgiveness.
Ok, I also told him not to play with the boy at school. Not only because of this situation but because he is not a nice boy, has a bad mouth and is disrespectful. Is that bad?
No you diod the right thing..
absolutely good judgment..
Ok, thank you. I feel much better. Thank you so much. Any other advice??
But do make a point to take promise from him not to do it again and report if someone tries to impose himself on him and be strict in meaning all of this ..
I did make him promise to me and to God...we go to a Catholic School so I'm using that too!
While you should be all ears to him and supportive and reassuring but in no way should covey a message that you would accept such an act again, so very subtly and strictly as well you will have to deal with this sensitive issue ..and try to help him get over this as soon as possible and do not let it drag to much ..
Good.. nicely done then..
Ok... should I give tell him he will have consequences?
You shall use all positive reinforcements like church , promnise to you and to god to help him get over this and to be more aware and vigilant next time ..
No just tell him that you wil not appreciate if he does it again..because it is not good and not acceptable and as time goes by there will be a right time to explain him all about the repurcussions but meanwhile he should trust his mommy for better judgment ..
I think your son is very much attached to you and will listen to you very closely and follow your advise..
So i do not see any problem that you may be facing in seeking his promise and making him do what you want which is for his best only..
Thank you! Thank you! I am relieved.
Plus so far i appreciate your good parenting skills and so kudos for you for your good maternal instincts and active attitude..
Wish you all the best..
Continue to do what is best for your child as there is no one else as important as a mother for a child..
God bless both of you and your family..
He's a good kid....God Bless you!