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Bill
Bill, LCSW, Consultant, Expert Witness
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 3705
Experience:  35 years treating individuals, couples, families with mental health and substance abuse prob's
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Bill, my ex husband (divorced) was a sex addict and now I find

Resolved Question:

Bill, my ex husband (divorced) was a sex addict and now I find myself with Dane, who also clearly has some sort of either Madonna/whore thing or who knows what but seems to seek out multiple women and then want to be very emotionally connected as he becomes less sexually connected. What the heck is wrong with me and why do I keep choosing these kinds of guys?
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Bill replied 1 year ago.

Bill :

Hi Shannon-


 


 

Bill :

So it sounds like you have a history of choosing men who are emotionally and romantically incomplete?


Is that fair?


 


 

Customer:

yes, but how can I fix it?

Bill :

If you were in my office- and you asked this question I would start asking you about what it was like growing up in your family and how you learned about relationships.


 


The answers to your questions lie in your early relationships and how you observed relationships between parents and other significant adults in your life's. Sooooooo, How was it ?


 

Bill :

life*


 

Customer:

bad

Bill :

Well I guess three letters say a lot and this is the core of the problem.


 

Customer:

pretty complicated, I was in therapy for a decade

Customer:

but, I still can't seem to have an interest in men who are more sane

Bill :

We learn about choices from those who are our models- if they are bad- then we are likely to make poor choices in our adult relationships because what is lacking is what we attract.

Therefore- your internal areas of emptiness cast a shadow and the shadow of your personality meets the dark shadow of the other and this is how you connect ( in the shadow) which is why you can be there and know that something is wrong but are unable to figure it out--------just like growing up at home...


 

Bill :

Does this make sense?


 

Bill :

This is explained in detail in the following links:


 


http://integralnhne.ning.com/forum/topics/the-shadow-dance

Customer:

It does, but as I said, I have tried therapy to fix myself, tried self help tapes, tapes to understand men and relationship but I still seem to end up feeling used. The guy I dated before this kept me a secret from everyone in our group of friends and his son for 8 months before I initally broke up with him, then he begged me to come back, and dumped me 2 weeks later. In retrospect, I always think, why did I put up with that??

Bill :

The reason is because at an internal level - you are still somehow bound by feeling the need to be used and abused.


 


Is abuse a part of your childhood?


 

Bill :

This is a great author and Book that addresses these issues :



We: Understanding the Psychology of Romantic Love

by Robert A. Johnson


 

Customer:

yes, in fact, being molested is my first memory of any kind. Almost daily by my uncle/father (he was my uncle to me growing up but found out later he was really my father) and physically by my Mother. And in fact, my mother pimped me out as a teenager. I have no idea what "normal" sexuality is, and I had that discussion with Dane the last time I tried to initiate sex and he told me he wasn't feeling romantic.

Customer:

thank you for the book recommendation! I have to get back to work but I really, really appreciate you chatting with me about this. thank you!

Bill, LCSW, Consultant, Expert Witness
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 3705
Experience: 35 years treating individuals, couples, families with mental health and substance abuse prob's
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