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Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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need some advice on addressing feelings to my best friend

Resolved Question:

hi rafael.we spoke yesterday.need some encouragement and advice.

Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 2 years ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).


 

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Sure, I am here to support you. I will be waiting for you to get back online.


 

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Still waiting for you. Hope you could


connect.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hope you connect. Looking forward to meeting you.


 

Customer:

is anyone around ?


 

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am sorry I was not able to reply 30 minutes ago when you got online, I was just in another chat session with another customer here. I was waiting in chat for about an hour and constantly checking during the day to see if you got online. I hope you could reconsider your rating once no service was provided and I was truly doing my best to reach you during the day.

Customer:

hi rafael can we chat now

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hi,


Sure we can.

Customer:

i am sorry about the rating


 


 

Customer:

i didnt know it was a rating for u


 

Customer:

thought it was for the site

Customer:

anyway


 

Customer:

i will have it changed


 

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Unhappily this interface does let us know about customers replies through email, thus it could take several hours for experts to find out about a request, unless we keep checking it all the time, that's why i could not


reply when you expected me to.

Customer:

I met her yesterday.i intended to talk to her and get everything out in the open

Customer:

no probem at all


 

Customer:

about the replying that is


 

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Ratings are always about expert never about the site, that's the way it works here. Thank you for understanding. Tell me what ha


ppened?

Customer:

we normally meet on wed or thursdays but since her husband was out we couldnt go out and she told me to come over.I went over and she told me how she was very anxious about taking the trip she is making


 

Customer:

tomorrow with her hsuband coz they have never left the kids etc etc. i was reassuring her telling her it would be fine.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Good.


 

Customer:

today is her wedding anniversary and one of those milestone ones


 

Customer:

so she was preparing for it.she showed me the gift she bought her husband a photo frame

Customer:

etc

Customer:

and she was wrapping it etc.i was very uncomfortable and stressed.almost didnt want to look at it.i thought it would be a good time to say something that i was uncomfortable


 

Customer:

her husband called to say he was on his way home

Customer:

when that happened i just wanted to leave.i became all cold and very annoyed and upset

Customer:

i told her i need to leave as some friends had unexpectedly come over and so i left

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I understand, this time seems to be not easy for her and very triggering for you, the good news is that you decided to truly work on this stressing situation.


 

Customer:

she called me and said she was very upset that i left abruptly but i told her since her husband was on his way i didnt want to disturb any special moments that he many have had planned since it was going to be their anniv in a few hours

Customer:

she said oh nothing is happening here...and started again about how anxious she was about getting on the flight etc

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Absolutely, it made perfect sense and obviously was nto the best moment to discuss this issue. Her reaction was one to be expected taking into account the attachment and intimacy you have developed.


 

Customer:

then she said it would be difficult for them to have any intimacy on that trip due to her menses(u know girlie stuff that women discuss)

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Right


 

Customer:

i told her its fine and tried to cover up my feelings and told her theres always another time etc and laughed it off

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Intimacy is


not only about coital sex, but much more than that, physically and emotionally.

Customer:

but i was very upset and irritated.so again when she said how stressed she was about the trip , i just lost it and told her please dont go if ur going to keep getting so anxious about it and i hung up the phone on her.


 

Customer:

its never happened. we have never had a moment where i have been upset enough to just disconnect

Customer:

it was awful.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Once she gets back from that trip you would have the chance to get an adequate time and space to talk about it.... I see, you were really overwhelmed by it.


 

Customer:

she called up etc etc and sounded very upset

Customer:

sent me a text early this morning saying she cannot sleep etc coz she annoyed me

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I bet it was, this shows how intense and stressful this situation has become.


 

Customer:

my day too is ruined, i hardly slept.i didnt want to be rude

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

An apology would take care of it while she is traveling, then you would be able to work on this episode and on


the core issue.

Customer:

i have not mentioned this to you because i dont want to share her privacy but she has been on an anti dep for a long time now and was diagnosed with add many years back.due to this i am always cautious to ensure that i dont upset her as she is fragile emotionally.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Please be patient, gentle, understanding and supportive towards yourself and her, both need and deserve this approach for sure.


 

Customer:

but with this current scene of things i dont want things to become destructive for her well being

Customer:

i am in the field of medical sciences as my profession so i do understand the seriousness

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I see, and I am sorry to know about that, then it makes sense her anxiety about the flight and how more challenging these problems could


be for her.

Customer:

she keeps saying she needs to get a grip

Customer:

on her anxiety and how she feels

Customer:

however i feel she needs to face her real feelings


 

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

That's why it is even more necessary to be clear about your situation in order for you to take good care of yourselves as individuals and to redirect this towards a healthy friendship that would truly help you instead of getting


more distorted into something stressful and destructive.

Customer:

at the same time i find it hard to believe that she feels something towards me specially when she mentions how special her husband is etc


 

Customer:

i feel like i am dreaming this whole thing up because of how i feel about her..

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Denial, avoidance and repression do never help, we all need to face reality and be totally truthful with what we feel and experience in order to take good care of ourselves, and to effectively cope. If she has been undergoing depression, anxiety and ADD, I assume she should have had psychotherapeutic support all this time; if that has not been the case, she should seriously consider it.


 

Customer:

and so every time i want to approach what i want to say to her it scares me because i can almost hear her say 'thats not true at all !!!" and i could feel like a complete fool

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

This is why clarification is so necessary, perpetuating this illusion would


not help anybody involved.

Customer:

she has but i dont think she actually talks about her real feelings to anyone besides me

Customer:

whats the point of clarifying though if it is going to possibly end a rare and lovely friendship

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

If that happens to be her reaction, no problem, because it would allow you to be real, honest so to start taking better care of yourself and of this friendship. It is not and would not be easy, it could lead to a real crissis


but a necessary and constructive one if assertively addressed.

Customer:

i agree completely


 

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I thought you have not been feeling good with this friendship at all but every time more stressed with negative feelings of jealousy and more, then I would never say to keep things the way they are would


be a healthy approach at all.

Customer:

ok

Customer:

i want to get over her as this kind of feeling is leading me nowhere

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I do recommend you to consider individual counseling, since it would be the best way to support yourself coping with these challenges and working on taking good care of yourself and this friendship. This appears to involve so many and powerful emotions, and you do not want them to undermine your mental, emotional or family health at all either.


 

Customer:

sure,i was considering doing that

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Good.


 

Customer:

i never thought i would have the need to chat with someone online when i first chatted with u

Customer:

but after i did i felt better and hence chatted again

Customer:

so yes there definitely is a need to talk to someone

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I think I understand and believe you, it makes perfect sense.


 

Customer:

ok thanks a lot rafael

Customer:

youve been of help.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You're very welcome. Please take gentle care and consistent action. Feel free to contact me back as necessary.


 

Customer:

one last thing if i may..as of all that i have told u, what is ur analysis...do u think i am imagining it in my head or does she really feel something

Customer:

i know its difficult for u to say considering u have not observed or spoken to her

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You are right, it is very subjective, no way to know for sure but through time, mindful exploration, sharing and more. It'd depends on how truly honest and open each of you happen to be. What I think is that all the mutual behaviors you have been presenting in this relationship could easily point at that, but obvious morals, religious value and belief systems get in the way. If that is not the case, the friendship has got too close for it to be considered a healthy friendship once you have developed a dependency on each other impacting on your mood, ability to function and enjoy your lives as separate persons with your own spouses and families. Thus it requires you to take assertive actions to make concrete changes here either way.


 

Customer:

well said ,exactly what i would have said to someone who would be going thru this


thanks i think i know what to do for sure now.

Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist
Director / Psychotherapist
1851 Satisfied Customers
MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach