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Bill
Bill, LCSW, Consultant, Expert Witness
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 3705
Experience:  35 years treating individuals, couples, families with mental health and substance abuse prob's
48585111
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Same guy, nine months later, we have been through a lot together.

Resolved Question:

Same guy, nine months later, we have been through a lot together. He says he loves me and that I am his "best friend", we do have sex and it used to be great and now on average, we have sex only the first day of a multi day visit despite seeing each other only about once a month. I have tried to initiate and he will even refuse. We have had more than a few arguements about this. I have checked his phone and know that he sexts and has exchanged naked photos with other women( plural) even while I am sitting across the room from him. We sleep naked and cuddle. He is otherwise very physically affectionate with me in public as well as private. I don't understand but feel ugly and old. I love him but this seems to be a big problem that I make bigger every time I bring it up. I am moving to the same town he lives in soon. help!
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Bill replied 2 years ago.

Bill :

Hello- Thank you for asking the question. I have over 30 years of experience working with individuals, couples and families & am happy to reply.

Bill :

I have reviewed your previous chat information so I understand the background.


 


 

Bill :

Are you available to chat now?


 

Bill :

Having worked with couples for 35 years, I am going to be direct with you about this as it is only fair to you.


 


Understanding that there is a 15 year difference in your relationship and seeing that it has progressed to a point :


-where your needs are not being me -


-seeing that you have discovered sexting and that he does this in your presence obviously without regard to your feelings


I am inclined to say (without having the benefit of know either of you) that this relationship is slowly deteriorating and your friend is acting out as many men do in effort to avoid losing out on what appears to be his ability to take

Bill :

advantage of you .


.


 

Bill :

This is a relationship where geography has kept a comfortable distance for this man who is clearly taking advantage of you -- is an emotional infidel and perhaps sexual. You don't know - however- he may be having sex with other women- he obviously has no interest in meeting your sexual interest so you have to ask yourself why do I stay?


 

Bill :

I can tell you based on experience that if there are these problems in a long distance relationship- they will only get worse when you get closer geographically.......and all of a sudden out of the blue- there will be a cut- off and you will find yourself without a relationship.


 


 

Bill :

If this person had genuine interest in you and your feelings- you would not be asking this question. You would feel it and know that the relationship is right.


 

Bill, LCSW, Consultant, Expert Witness
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 3705
Experience: 35 years treating individuals, couples, families with mental health and substance abuse prob's
Bill and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
so, should I confront him and admit that I have checked his phone, or just allow things to dissolve on their own. I am hot headed and I can say really ugly things sometimes and then feel horrible about it later.

Also, why are men so hung up on the number of an age? I look about 35 and have literally had men break up with me when they found out the number, for no other reason at all. I worry about being alone for the rest of my life and am trying to just get used to that, even though it is not what I want.
Expert:  Bill replied 2 years ago.
Hi Shannon-

It is not the number but the man.

If it is person that has genuine interest in a deeper mutually satisfying relationship- age won't matter.

Most men are not able to "swim in the deep end" when it comes to what is involved and required for a sustained lasting relationship. That is why there is the drift and distancing- Its not about you--- it's about him.

I would be direct with him about how you feel- not necessarily what you have learned. Example: "My needs are not being met in this relationship. I need X Y Z to be happy and I am not feeling it here."

Then stop talking and listen.

Whatever he says after is telling you where he stands in the relationship.

Don't blame or give him reason to be defensive and you will know the reality.

The following are traits of a healthy relationship. Use these as a guide for addressing this relationship and what you are looking for in those that you will have in the future....

http://www.buzzle.com/articles/traits-of-a-healthy-relationship.html

Kindest regards, Bill

P.S. Always feel free to get back to me and let me know how it goes.


My direct link:

http://www.justanswer.com/profile.aspx?PF=48585111&FID=0

Bill, LCSW, Consultant, Expert Witness
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 3705
Experience: 35 years treating individuals, couples, families with mental health and substance abuse prob's
Bill and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you

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Bill
Bill
Psychotherapist, Consultant, Expert Wit.
3648 Satisfied Customers
35 years treating individuals, couples, families with mental health and substance abuse prob's