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Dr. L
Dr. L, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1168
Experience:  Psychologist, Marriage and Family Therapist
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My husband and I have been seperated for the past 3 years.

Customer Question

My husband and I have been seperated for the past 3 years. He was charged and had a no contact order and was on probation. That has since ended and I have been waiting and hoping for him to come back. However he said that he can't get over the past and thinks that we will relive it. I told him that we need to deal with the past and put it behind us and build a happy and healthy relationship. I also told him that I would wait for him
Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. L replied 4 years ago.

Dr. L :

Hello,

Dr. L :

I would like to help you with your question.

Dr. L :

I am sorry that the separation continues and that the resolution you want has not happened.

Dr. L :

I can understand your desire to restore the marriage and move past the separation. Yet I can also imagine that your husband is concerned and even worried about a repeat of the past.

Dr. L :

I think you are taking a good approach by inviting him back into the family and building on those encounters. That he has joined you when invited is certainly a hopeful sign.

Dr. L :

Have you considered couple's therapy? This might be a way for your husband to openly talk about the hurt, embarrassment and pain he has experienced and for you to also talk about what you experienced. What seems important here is that you look at what happened in the past, understand why it occurred, and look at how you have each changed over these 3 years and how better equipped you are to be in a relationship.

Dr. L :

Certainly you have both been wounded and both deserve a second chance at having the kind of marriage you desire.

Dr. L :

I do agree that telling him you will wait for him was a good choice. It takes the pressure off of him, gives him a clear signal that you want to restore your relationship, and is critical in rebuilding trust.

Dr. L :

There are a number of books on rebuilding relationships that I could suggest that you might find helpful. Would you like that kind of assistance?

Dr. L :

I see that you are off line right now, when you come on line I will be notified.

Dr. L :

Thank you.

JACUSTOMER-sy6yp1yw- :

I am having a very hard time with things right now. He was living with a friend that had also seperated. Hus house sold and the closing date is this friday. The neighbours accross the street have become close to my husband. Infact the wife was trying to leave her spouse of 25yrs because he is an alcoholic. The rented a 5 bdrm farm house and invited my husband to rent a room. He accepted and now lives with her, her 21yr old daughter 23 yr old son and 5 yr old grandson. I am afraid that I will push him into her arms. They are close friends and probably lean on each other for assistance and a helping hand. I feel like nothing has happened between them and I don't think that they would cross that line and ruin a good friendship. I know that I am jealous and I think its natural. Just having a hard time with that also. I have asked him and he said that nothing has happened between them and that they are just friends.

I have suggested marriage counselling and he said he has talked to enough professionals and they would think he is crazy for coming back. I don't know if I am wasting my time but I do love him and have been waiting for him all this time

JACUSTOMER-sy6yp1yw- :

It is just so hard to sit here and wait and wonder what he is doing who is he with what is he thinking and is there any chance for our future

JACUSTOMER-sy6yp1yw- :

I could really use your help and perhaps a chat back and forth

Customer: replied 4 years ago.
Relist: Answer quality.
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
Relist: Answer quality.
Expert:  Dr. L replied 4 years ago.
Hello,
It would be possible to chat. You would need to close this question and post it again.
That is the only way to get out of Q & A.

Please give me a chance to help you with your question before relisting. You question just came back up on the system and I had no opportunity to respond until now.

I do understand your worries. Certainly his living arrangement is not ideal for you...and it is reasonable to wonder what is going on between him and this woman. While it may be a convenient arrangment for him...it makes your situation even more difficult. It is only reasonable to feel jealous and to worry about chasing him into someone else's arms.

It is unfortunate that he is unwilling to consider therapy. I do not agree that a professional would see him as crazy for coming back. Rather, a professional would see this as a healthy sign of someone who wants to rebuild his marriage and is willing to sort out his differences with his wife in order to build a new life with her and the family.

If he is unwilling to go to therapy...are you willing? Many people in your situation go to individual therapy in order to gain support, develop new strategies for dealing with the pain, anger, and disappointment, and to build new confidence and self-esteem.

Is this something you would consider for you?
Customer: replied 4 years ago.


Yes I would condider therapy and actually have been in it for the past 2 years

Expert:  Dr. L replied 4 years ago.
Hello again,
How do you feel the therapy is going? Do you feel that it is helpful and that you are gaining some strength?

I understand that you are willing to wait for your husband and that you love him deeply. Still...you have a life to live and having your life "on hold" may be okay in the short term...but certainly not forever.

Separations are often difficult as no clear rules or boundaries nor accountability has been established. Your strategy of inviting your husband to join in family events is a very good plan...particularly if there is little pressure on either of you and rather it is about enjoying being together.

Here are a few books that might be helpful to you.

The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman
The Marriage Repair Kit by Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt

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