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Dr. Keane
Dr. Keane, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1704
Experience:  Clinical Psychology PhD, Licensed Professional Counselor with experience in marriage/family, teens and child psychology.
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Dear Dr. Keane,About trying not to be hard on myself

Resolved Question:

Dear Dr. Keane, I would like to chat with you if that is okay, please? I would like to chat about being hard on myself. There are times when I do recognise when I am hard on myself and I use the stop technique and the self-talk. I now wonder if there are times however, when perhaps I don’t totally think, oh, that was me being hard on myself, because, perhaps some of it’s more subtle than what it used to be, and just in what I’ve thought a lot of the time. Sometimes it’s you who will picks up on something that I’ve said, and you’ll let me know that I’ve been hard on myself, which actually helps as most recently it has been at that point when I can then see it. Shows, I think that I still need to work on that. Anyway, this is what I think would be good to be able to talk about this time, is just a bit more on being on the subject of being hard on myself. I do try so much to be kind to myself and I’m just not sure whether or not I am doing that right either. I realise there may not be a right or a wrong way, but I’d like to chat a bit about it all the same, because I think all this will help. I think I need help on this part from you. Hope to be able to catch up with you. DA is still good. A potentially tough subject matter is in a couple of the episodes, but stick with it, when you get it as it's all good with the changing times. I don't want to give too much away and want to be discreet, so that's all I'll say on it, apart from I'm looking forward to the next episode.

Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. Keane replied 2 years ago.

Dr.Keane :

Hi, I have not been online much at all in the past few days, I will try again tomorrow....as for you being hard on yourself ...the more you do recognize it the more it will be prominent in your mind and if you miss a few, wel,l you are human right? Behaviors can be difficult to change but you have done a very good job and are very committed to making changes in yourself.


 

Customer:

Hi, I should be home from work by 4pm and then that is me for the rest of today, so, I should get computer time from then......You sound like you are busy. I appreciate you getting back to me. I really do! I am indeed human, if I wasn't, I wouldn't have caught this awful cold virus. I am looking after myself though and only doing my paid work, got someone on my team to do my voluntary work tonight. I will be okay to chat though, if you get a moment when I've finished work. Hope all's good with you.....I think that there are things that you pick up on that I never considered as being hard on myself by doing, so, this is interesting and I feel like I am learning a lot. I am glad that you know and understand behaviours are difficult to change and take a lot of time; most importantly for me is that I am glad that you are so willing to keep helping :)

Customer:

Is it okay that I'm so committed to making changes?

Dr.Keane :

Hi, I'll be at work but will try to find time to get online and chat for a few minutes. Yes. I am quite busy but will at least try, sorry you caught a cold. To answer your last question....of course it's good that you have committed to making changes! That is very positive.

Customer:

Hi, thank you for saying you will try.

Customer:

I'm finished work now and for the most part I should be able to be here, just in case. At least we both understand about time differences and schedule differences, and that we'd catch each other some time. I am grateful that you keep trying.

Customer:

I'll try again to be here on thursday. It's late for me now. I hope you've had a good day.

Customer:

I'm still here for a little while

Customer:

. It's really late here now and I'm not feeling too great with this cold. I'll try thursday after work. Let me know please if you get this. Thanks and thankyou for providing the information you did, all helpful as usual. I hope we can chat soon on this post.

Customer:

Thank you for your sympathies on the cold, it's rotten and I feel all out of sorts, but I'll survive. I tried to stay online until late last night, you were probably busy. I can be online from 4pm again. Is it possible that I am in part to blame for being hard on myself. I was thinking about it and when I was a kid I used to, on a Sunday put a voluntary curfew on myself because I knew I wouldn't like going to school the next day and knew my parents wouldn't like it, so I somehow got into the practice of, after a certain time like tea time or late afternoon, I'd decide I wouldn't go out to play and that would be the reason why. I just sort of got into that pattern. I'd be too young to know that I was actually doing myself more damage than good. I didn't as a child say that's what I was doing - self-punishment. It sounds so silly now when I think about it. But then sometimes I wonder if it was other reasons why I became a bit hard on myself, such as the whole thing that I had of not feeling good enough and eventually almost believing what my ex-boyfriend said about me being nothing but rubbish. Of course I know better than that now. Then there's the recent accusations that I'm too defensive at times. I don't know if I am or if I am not. One of the people who did tell me not to be so defensive has no idea what they're really talking about right enough. It was a situation when I and a whole group of people got a general email saying that people weren't always pulling their weight in an interest group, so I thought I'd stand up for myself and reply to said email making it clear that I am also a busy person and detailing how much effort I do put in to help make things happen. I didn't see it as being on the defensive, but just standing up for myself. I only stay with the group as I want something from it. But, sometimes I am told outwith this group not to be so defensive. Do you, from what you know of me, think I'm too defensive? Sorry, my mind is possibly working over-time, as sometimes happens when I feel out of sorts with a cold and a lack of good sleep, but all the same it is things that are sometimes on my mind and I do think about. Another thing on my mind is, not this week coming, but the week after I am away on holiday, can I please still post to you, would that be okay, even though my computer time will be probably limited? And would it be okay for you to respond, even if we don't actually chat properly that week? Also, as I've lots planned for the days that week, I may have to post really early my morning (before your day's started at all). would you still be able to get my post? This might be on my mind because I'm so under the weather, so probably sounds a silly question. At least I suppose, I have this and next week to get rid of this cold. I hope to chat, but feel free to respond if our schedules don't match again. I hope you are having a good day.

Dr. Keane, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1704
Experience: Clinical Psychology PhD, Licensed Professional Counselor with experience in marriage/family, teens and child psychology.
Dr. Keane and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Camille-Mod replied 2 years ago.

Hi, I am a Moderator for this topic. I sent your requested Professional a message to follow up with you here, when they are back online. If I can help further, please let me know. Thank you for your continued patience.

Expert:  Dr. Keane replied 2 years ago.
Hi, sorry I have been busy with a project and not able to be here to chat or respond earlier. As for you being to "blame" for being an anxious child absolutely not. Your way of handling your anxiety about going to school was a solution that worked for you and helped you. Blame has nothing to do with it. You didn't say anything as a child because you did not know what anxiety was, it was normal for you to feel that way.
When you responded to the email you were told you were being defensive, you saw it as standing up for yourself, you did not see it or mean it the way it was interpreted, that is one reason it's better to speak to someone in person, emails can be interpreted differently. Also I don't know what the "language" was in the email. A response to an email of that nature would be to first validate what they were saying .... opinion everyone wasn't pulling their weight, then speak to your "feelings about it" since you felt you the time and efforts you contributed were sufficient (without being too detailed about what you did) and then end with, "now that all are aware, the group can work to make the situation better". Email, not the best way to communicate in many situations.
Hope your cold gets better, and I'll be able to get your postings while you are away.
Dr. Keane, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1704
Experience: Clinical Psychology PhD, Licensed Professional Counselor with experience in marriage/family, teens and child psychology.
Dr. Keane and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you

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