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Ask Rafael M.T.Therapist Your Own Question

Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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My husband and I have been married only a short time (2 months)

Customer Question

My husband and I have been married only a short time (2 months) and I am 25 weeks pregnant with a much anticipated baby girl. Both of us have been divorced and have 2 sons each from our past relationships. My husband and I met online and soon discovered we were both on 2 websites, one of which was a more 'adult' dating site. I had been dating after separation from my first marriage and for 4 months found myself engaging in texting and 'hook ups' that I found soul-destroying, but thought that I would never find true love. Then I met my husband and it all changed - I finally felt a true connection to another human being.
From the first week of our relationship he checked my phone texts without telling me. When I found out I forgave him, as I already knew he had a hard time with trust. Then he looked on my computer and found files I had previously deleted. All of these fantasy-sharing type messages from when I was involved with people who just made me feel worse about myself - I would not have ever shared them because I know they do not reflect who I actually am. I did not have contact with people after my relationship started with my husband. But just last week (after 10 months) he again managed to recover deleted files of text messages. I had kept much of this from him as I know I am 100% loyal and so happy to have found the love of my life - I have felt ashamed that I engaged in this crazy behaviour and knew I should probably go to counselling about my shame.
Now he says he loves me, but cannot be with me after seeing the things I wrote to people & some of the activities I engaged in. He says he doesn't believe I ever loved him; that he is not special. He wants me to just have the baby and work out care arrangements.
I've almost had a breakdown and am seeing a social worker, but don't know what else I can do. He vacillates between saying he'll see a counsellor with me and saying there is no point because I am disgusting and immoral. This is despite the fact that I have never cheated on a partner and he has (multiple times). I am struggling with the hypocrisy, but also fear losing the love of my life.
I know he is in pain. I know that our pasts should be past. I know that I have lied by omission in my shame. I want to work on it for the sake of seeing if we can salvage our relationship for ourselves, our baby and our 4 sons. I know I can't do the work alone, but I struggle with what to say. I want to be open, but I can only see that causing more pain and, besides, he has already refused to delete the messages - goes back to look at them to 'finalize' his disgust and determination not to be with me.
What do I do???
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 2 years ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am very sorry to know about this overwhelmingly painful reality.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Could you please tell me for how long did you date before getting

married?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

The behaviors you describe here show a person who has not trusted you from the very beginning because of his own personal and past marital issues. Sadly the fact that you were not open enough about what happened before during this period of time you were not dating has been taken by him as the very reason to justify his present abusive behaviors and neglect.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

It's very sad and frustrating but as you said, he is very unfair and his hypocrisy fuels all his abuse to the point of leaving you without option, since he literally eliminates every means of healthy and mature dialogue. He points his finger at your past during that period of time, when he totally dismissed hos own actions where he actually was unfaithful. What I see here is that this is not about you and what you did when single and without commitment but about his personal issues projected on you.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

He needs professional counseling to work on his personal issues in order for him to be able to play a respectful and respon

sible role in relationships, otherwise I do not see how your situation could improve

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Marriage counseling could be essential but would become useless as long as he does not take full responsibility for his own choices, actions and the abusive ways he have shown, working on himself with individual counseling support.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Does it ma

ke sense?

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