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Bill
Bill, LCSW, Consultant, Expert Witness
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 3706
Experience:  35 years treating individuals, couples, families with mental health and substance abuse prob's
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Our son is abusing Xanax that was prescribed to him about 5

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Our son is abusing Xanax that was prescribed to him about 5 years ago by a family physician. He's been lying about money we are giving him ($600) in the last week and when we confronted him this morning, he became very angry and was cursing at us. We've been going through similar behavior before and we are just at the end of our rope and don't know what to do anymore.

Bill :

Hello- Thank you for asking the question. I have over 30 years of experience working with individuals, couples and families & am happy to reply.

Bill :

I am sorry to hear about your sons addiction to Xanax, a commonly abused and addictive Benzodiazapine.


 


 

Bill :

I have worked with addicts for 35 years and what you describe is the typical behavioral manifestations that we see among addicts who use all types of creative manipulative strategies to further their secondary gain of obtaining the substance they desire or their "drug of choice."


 


 

Customer:

I do understand but we don't know what to do now. What is your suggestion?

Bill :

Drug addiction is a progressive illness for which there is No Cure- only abstinence.


 


Therefore, until your son reaches a point where he accepts that this is outside of his control and surrenders to recovery he will continue to abuse the medication as he has a physiological dependence.



This is what you can do:


 




Bill :

STOP ENABLING THE BEHAVIOR

Bill :

Enabling the addict is the worst thing you can do. This means you have to stop any type of financial of physical support of his addiction.


 


 

Bill :

This does not mean that you have to stop loving your son-


 

Bill :

It means you have to cut off all means of support his addictive behavior that you have control over: Detail on this is contained in the following link:


 


 

Bill :

The following 10 points are ways that you can stop enabling the addict in your life, recover your sense of control, and hopefully stall the person you love’s descent into disaster.



  1. Stop providing money that allows an addict to gamble, purchase drugs, alcohol, or participate in any other addictive behaviours. Think of giving money as basically giving an addict drugs or a problem gambler, permission to gamble.

  2. Do not pay bills, fines, rent, or food expenses. Saying No is your prerogative and without feeling the impact of being unable to cover these costs, no true hardship is experienced and consequences are avoided.

  3. Avoid repaying loans the addict has accrued or providing money to pay back ‘friends’ they have borrowed money from. Again, an addict needs to experience the discomfort when those monies are requested from them repeatedly.

  4. Do not lie, cover up or trivialize the facts about an addicts actions or behaviour. That’s not to say that you need to shout out to the world the situation your loved one is in but if someone genuinely enquires give them the truth without sharing all the finer details.

  5. Stop making excuses for an addict or helping them by calling in sick or apologizing for them not attending events or appointments. When you make it easier for them to check out of their ‘normal’ life, you make it easier for them to fall into the shadows of addiction.

  6. Do not do anything for an addict that they should be able to do for themselves when sober or clean. By taking responsibility for the tasks they should otherwise be able to do, you support them in taking advantage of you.

  7. Avoid joining an addict in their activities. This includes buying Lottery tickets if you have a partner who gambles or buying alcohol and drinking around an alcoholic. Let the person you love know by example that you do not support their choices.

  8. Do not lend, gift or give an addict items they can sell or pawn for money. Any item with even a minor value is easy cash for an addict. They can be incredibly resourceful in trading goods, for money.

  9. Set boundaries and stick to them. Do not make threats. Do not back down on your consequences. Doing so enables an addict to simply push harder when they meet resistance, knowing you will likely back down again.

  10. Be aware of codependent tendencies that cause you to want to rescue or save your addict. Codependency is defined as taking an excessively passive, caretaking or controlling role in your relationship with an addict. This is always detrimental to both their possible recovery and yours.


It takes time to become aware of the ways we enable the addict in our life but perhaps with the information in this list you can begin to remove the factors that are causing you, and your addict more harm than good.


And remember, what we do when we enable comes from a place of love, and all of our intentions at the time are good. Please don’t punish yourself or feel guilty for having done anything that may have contributed to the ongoing course of your loved ones addiction. But DO begin to remove the safety nets that prevent the addict in your life from ever having to feel, recognize and face what they have become stuck in.


Only by doing so, can they have any chance of making the decision to free themselves.


Bill :

I also encourage parents to get involved in support groups with others who have families that are addicted.



This can be accomplished through AL-ANON or Nar Anon-




Bill :

In these groups you receive support and learn how to cope with the addict in your life.


 


 

Bill :

http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/


 


Meeting directory at above website:


 

Bill :

The following link also has an abundance of books and resource information for families affected by addictive disease:


 


http://www.hazelden.org/itemquest/search.view?srch=Y&start=0&event=&kw=enabling

Bill :

I see that you are typing - if you can let me know where your son lives, I will give you the information on where HE can get help and not rely on you.


ZIP CODE CITY AND STATE PLEASE- Thanks

Bill :

This will also help you:


 


http://www.joy2meu.com/Personal_Boundaries.htm

Bill :

Please Send what you have typed so that I am sure chat feature is working- Thanks

Customer:

All very good advice. Thank you.

Bill and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you