Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but pub
Thank you for joining the chat.
can we chat here
is this secure..sorry i dont know how this really works
anyway i guess you read my question, what would u advise ?
Could you please clarify the point where you say you have discussed about the bond you have and that she has even stated that you do not seem to have any bysexual trait, but at the same time that you are having a tough time indirectly assessing
what she truly feels?
i confused u too :-)
well i just mentioned to her casually that a friend said we had become too close
What was her reaction?
she said 'i do not have a hint of bisexuality in me'
All the behaviors you described about your relationship does show you are developing more than what we could call friendship. All the physical and emotional closeness and intense sharing you have for this long shows it.
what do u suggest i do ?
i thought it would just pass but its getting stronger. its almost unbelievable
You said she is very shy and older, and that you know it is COMPLETELY wrong, regardless you know that, you are getting closer and closer. So
that means that what your words could say do not match what each of you feel and share.
I use to say that facts-concrete and consistent behaviors in time are what show reality more than words, and everything
you depicted show you have nto set clear boundaries but got too intimate for this to remain as a regular friendship.
and i am so irritated that she is taking a trip with her husband. She keeps saying she does not want to go on this trip because of the kids and leaving them alone etc etc
so i told her if u dont want to go u shouldnt go
true i agree with what u say
You need to come to terms with the fact that unless you fully acknowledge all of your feelings here and choose what you truly want to do about them, sooner or later you would
get into closer episodes.
its just so tempting to do something once and forget it..though i have no clue myself what that 'something ' is
Then you have to make a clear decision of what you truly want and are willing to afford here. If you do not
address it this honesty, again, sooner or latter you would find yourself already doing what you have been repressing because of your moral-value-belief systems.
i shouldnt bring up this topic with her directly right ?
she would probably just deny it
You are already deep into a romantic attachment to her. .. You not only should but you need to directly address it with her, being %100 honest and open. But before doing it you need to be also %100 truthful towards yourself and clear of what you want to afford here, since from there you would be able to dialogue with her about things, taking responsibility for your own choices and actions.
Reality is that you are gradually and more powerfully getting enmeshed into this romantic feelings - attachment and experiencing dysfunctional emotions impacting on your mood, mental status and obviously in
your personal and family life.
ur absolutely right tho i know none of us will even want to go down the road of giving up on our kids
but yes bringing it out into the open should help and do something about this
we have spent a night together
but jsut holding hands and doing girly stuff like chatting about old love interests
I believe you would prefer to work on building or redirecting your relationship into a healthy and supportive friendship that to getting apart because of a destructive conflict based on denial, avoidance or repression. Or you both would need to choose for acknowledging these feelings -relatio
nship and keep going, but again, fully affording the consequences such approach would imply.
considering what is the right thing to do, i would have to suppress a lot of feelings
you are right
Then if you both are clear about what you wnat in your lives and are willing to afford, then please, be fully honest and direct addressing all the challenges you are facing because of your relationshi
p and discussing what you need to do and adjust in order to take good care of your personal, marital and family lives, while protecting your friendship too.
wish there could be just 'one time' to just release all i feel for her but yes i know what you are pointing towards
I do never recommend repression as a healthy way to go but
to acknowledge them with clear insight, accountability and being proactive in order to build what you truly want for your life, your friendship and family. This is tough situation to face, since it is obvious you want much more, but as long as your assessment points at protecting and keeping your marriage and family, then there is no other option here.
ok i have my answer i think
You would need to acknowledge all your feelings and work on setting healthy boundaries, making them
more sublime, redirecting them to ways of sharing that would not sabotage what you want to protect and take good care of...
what if she says i feel nothing similiar and brushes it away..i would feel like a fool
talking to her in such a situation would also damage our friendship right /
thats y i am scared of addressing it
That would be a thousand times better than to keep things in this limbo! Denying or avoiding dealing with this serious situation would only fuel further tension, leading you to feel overwhelmed and to become more impulsive, which would not help anybody. You cannot and do not really want to afford a crisis that would
be destructive. Much better to face a necessary and constructive crisis that would lead to take good care of both of you and your lives.
I understand your point but believe it would me foolish to believe everything that has been going on here is something
she has no clue about, once both are adults, she is older and being shy-introverted, knows very well what's going on here.
thanks a lot you have put things in perspective