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Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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I am a 35 yr old lady,married with 2 kids.About 4 years back,

Customer Question

I am a 35 yr old lady,married with 2 kids.About 4 years back, I became friends with my sons classmates mum and we became good friends.Our friendship became quite strong and powerful and has become very strong and intense emotionally since the past few months.we text each other all the time ,first thing in the morning and last thing in the night.When either of us are having a bad day we reassure each other.I know she loves her husband as do i love mine.But I find myself very drawn to her, and though we are very affectionate with each other (me more than her as she is quite shy) there is a line drawn. The last few times we were alone together, I found that our hugs had become longer,more intense and the physical contact was more.She was having a tough time so i kissed her a lot all over her face except her lips but I was very very tempted to.We have discussed our 'bond' towards each other and I have told her how people sometimes comment that we are too close etc.We hold hands at movies etc etc and its all short of that one step.Indirectly I have tried to assess how she feels but she has said to me once 'there is not a hint of bisexuality in me'.She is much older than me but I increasingly feel like i want more but I do know that this is COMPLETELY wrong.However, the fact that I dont know how she feels towards me along with the fact that I dont want to ruin the perfect friendship that we have stops me from acting on my feelings.There is an increased restlessness however and she is just on my mind all the time.This weekend she is taking a short trip with her husband and I cant help but feel jealous.She does tell me often that she adores her husband.And sometimes in a very out of context way how there is some 'romance' happening /theyre snuggling and watching t.v etc.all these remarks just make me jealous and i am confused if she is saying them coz she is making a point or in general coz we are so close.At the same time she sends me texts throughout the day telling me how much she thinks of me and loves me etc as her best friend and how i have changed her life.how do i get rid of this restlessness to want her ?also is there a way to know how she really feels about me ?
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 1 year ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but pub


lic).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Thank you for joining the chat.


 

Customer:

hi


 


 

Customer:

can we chat here


 

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Sure


 

Customer:

is this secure..sorry i dont know how this really works


 

Customer:

anyway i guess you read my question, what would u advise ?


 

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Could you please clarify the point where you say you have discussed about the bond you have and that she has even stated that you do not seem to have any bysexual trait, but at the same time that you are having a tough time indirectly assessing


what she truly feels?

Customer:

i confused u too :-)


 

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

:o)


 

Customer:

well i just mentioned to her casually that a friend said we had become too close


 

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

What was her reaction?


 

Customer:

she said 'i do not have a hint of bisexuality in me'


 

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

All the behaviors you described about your relationship does show you are developing more than what we could call friendship. All the physical and emotional closeness and intense sharing you have for this long shows it.


 

Customer:

what do u suggest i do ?


 

Customer:

i thought it would just pass but its getting stronger. its almost unbelievable

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You said she is very shy and older, and that you know it is COMPLETELY wrong, regardless you know that, you are getting closer and closer. So


that means that what your words could say do not match what each of you feel and share.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I use to say that facts-concrete and consistent behaviors in time are what show reality more than words, and everything


you depicted show you have nto set clear boundaries but got too intimate for this to remain as a regular friendship.

Customer:

and i am so irritated that she is taking a trip with her husband. She keeps saying she does not want to go on this trip because of the kids and leaving them alone etc etc


 

Customer:

so i told her if u dont want to go u shouldnt go

Customer:

true i agree with what u say


 

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You need to come to terms with the fact that unless you fully acknowledge all of your feelings here and choose what you truly want to do about them, sooner or later you would


get into closer episodes.

Customer:

its just so tempting to do something once and forget it..though i have no clue myself what that 'something ' is


 

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Then you have to make a clear decision of what you truly want and are willing to afford here. If you do not


address it this honesty, again, sooner or latter you would find yourself already doing what you have been repressing because of your moral-value-belief systems.

Customer:

i shouldnt bring up this topic with her directly right ?


 


 

Customer:

she would probably just deny it


 

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You are already deep into a romantic attachment to her. .. You not only should but you need to directly address it with her, being %100 honest and open. But before doing it you need to be also %100 truthful towards yourself and clear of what you want to afford here, since from there you would be able to dialogue with her about things, taking responsibility for your own choices and actions.


 

Customer:

ok


 

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Reality is that you are gradually and more powerfully getting enmeshed into this romantic feelings - attachment and experiencing dysfunctional emotions impacting on your mood, mental status and obviously in


your personal and family life.

Customer:

ur absolutely right tho i know none of us will even want to go down the road of giving up on our kids

Customer:

but yes bringing it out into the open should help and do something about this


 

Customer:

we have spent a night together


 

Customer:

but jsut holding hands and doing girly stuff like chatting about old love interests


 

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I believe you would prefer to work on building or redirecting your relationship into a healthy and supportive friendship that to getting apart because of a destructive conflict based on denial, avoidance or repression. Or you both would need to choose for acknowledging these feelings -relatio


nship and keep going, but again, fully affording the consequences such approach would imply.

Customer:

considering what is the right thing to do, i would have to suppress a lot of feelings

Customer:

you are right


 

Customer:

i agree

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Then if you both are clear about what you wnat in your lives and are willing to afford, then please, be fully honest and direct addressing all the challenges you are facing because of your relationshi


p and discussing what you need to do and adjust in order to take good care of your personal, marital and family lives, while protecting your friendship too.

Customer:

wish there could be just 'one time' to just release all i feel for her but yes i know what you are pointing towards

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I do never recommend repression as a healthy way to go but


to acknowledge them with clear insight, accountability and being proactive in order to build what you truly want for your life, your friendship and family. This is tough situation to face, since it is obvious you want much more, but as long as your assessment points at protecting and keeping your marriage and family, then there is no other option here.

Customer:

ok i have my answer i think

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You would need to acknowledge all your feelings and work on setting healthy boundaries, making them


more sublime, redirecting them to ways of sharing that would not sabotage what you want to protect and take good care of...

Customer:

what if she says i feel nothing similiar and brushes it away..i would feel like a fool

Customer:

talking to her in such a situation would also damage our friendship right /

Customer:

thats y i am scared of addressing it


 

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

That would be a thousand times better than to keep things in this limbo! Denying or avoiding dealing with this serious situation would only fuel further tension, leading you to feel overwhelmed and to become more impulsive, which would not help anybody. You cannot and do not really want to afford a crisis that would


be destructive. Much better to face a necessary and constructive crisis that would lead to take good care of both of you and your lives.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I understand your point but believe it would me foolish to believe everything that has been going on here is something


she has no clue about, once both are adults, she is older and being shy-introverted, knows very well what's going on here.

Customer:

true


 

Customer:

thanks a lot you have put things in perspective

Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
Rafael M.T.Therapist and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you

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