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KansasTherapist, LSCSW
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 566
Experience:  17 years experience with depression, abuse, and borderline.
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I have self esteem issues, from past relationships and life

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I have self esteem issues, from past relationships and life in general, and I am starting to project my insecurities and doubts with myself onto my current boyfriend and it is causing a lot of tension and fighting. How can I stop these insecurities from coming up and causing the projections onto him?

KansasTherapist : Hello



KansasTherapist : It's an important step that you realize you're projecting these thoughts onto him.

I know that I do it sometimes but I can't seem to stop myself

KansasTherapist : Do you notice when you're feeling insecure?

It's not like a 'lightbulb moment' when I notice it. I usually have to take time away to stop and think about everything that is going on


KansasTherapist : Fighting is generally unproductive in a relationship. When you notice you or he are starting to get emotional or are raising your voices, you can tell him you want to take a time out, and calm down.
KansasTherapist : That will give you the chance to reflect on the situation and ask your self, "Is this my insecurity talk?"

When we fight it's more of the words we say than how we say it. We dont yell at each other but we do small little things like a comment


KansasTherapist : If it's something else, you can talk more calmly with him about what is bothering you.

Sometimes I know when it's my insecurity talking but I feel too proud to admit to him that Im not as comfortable with myself as he thinks I am

KansasTherapist : I think that's something it's important to get over to have a successful relationship. Many of us feel that if others knew "the real us" we wouldn't be liked or loved. Mostly, it's not true.
KansasTherapist : There are lots of things we go through, that aren't our partner's fault. It really helps to admit that to ourselves and to them.

Is there any way to try and explain this to them without making things worse. Because right now he's decided that we both need to get some space and think about this relationship and Im worried that this will lead to breaking up

KansasTherapist : You could say there are times when the two of you have conflict that you realize later was caused by you misunderstanding your own feelings. When you stop and think about it, you can see that misunderstanding caused you to react to the situation by feeling hurt or rejected. You can acknowledge you are sorry that this happens, and really want to stop and get control over this.

Do you have any tips or ideas that would help me control these actions in the future?

KansasTherapist : Being able to take a time out when you're feeling upset helps a great deal. Be aware that of the feelings that are signs your reactions may be off kilter. Feelings like rejection.

Okay. Is there anything I can do to personally improve on my self esteem

KansasTherapist : One thing that tends to cause lowered self esteem is judging yourself and others. If you can notice when you are passing judgement and remind yourself you don't need to do that, it can help.

Okay. Thank you for talking with me about my problem. I will try some of your suggestions

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