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Dr. Kaushik
Dr. Kaushik, Psychiatrist
Category: Mental Health
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Experience:  MD Psychiatry
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when we were courting and after marriage my wife (Trinidadian

Customer Question

when we were courting and after marriage my wife (Trinidadian enthnic chinese) was bold and assertive we tried all different types of things with the exception of anal intercourse (don't really need this).
After about 4 years into marriage (during love making my wife freaked (regular old missionary style) and started shaking and revealed she had been sexually molested by her dad at a preteen or early teen age! Here the problem starts:
1. Co-incidentely at this time she started wearing braces (saw a show on CSI about a murdered girl with braces having sliced the rapists penis with her braces and has refused (to the extent of being very angry) when I ask for oral sex (I still go down on her as frequently as I can.
2. At the 8 year mark I hade a stromal (stomach) pre-cancerous tumor removed and subsequently became aflflicted with arrythmia (and the oddles of meds) taking me from a 2 to 5 time a day guy to a guy who cannot get an erection (I have to use a vacuum pump) from time to time she will state or alude that I do not want to.
3. Synchroniously with the above matters she has become habitual at grabbing me in tender places (not in a loving way but as if she {like a kid is unable to judge degrees of pain}, or wanting to unintentionally injure (she insists she is being loving)
4. she appears to have no interest at all sexually and my attempts to pet, kiss or caress are rebuffed with "no it is to intense a feeling".

Help
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. Kaushik replied 2 years ago.

Hi there,

Welcome to Just answer !


I will like to ask a few queries so as to answer your question more convincingly.

 

1) since how long a period has she been behaving like this ?

 

2) how are her menstrual periods ? have they become irregular or has she reached menopause ? if yes then did her irregular periods started around the same time when she had started behaving differently ?

 

3) is she on any drugs ?if yes kindly mention them ?

 

4) has there been any family or past history of mental condition ?

 

5) other than the sexual intimacy , how is her mood in general ( i.e low or extremely happy or irritable or anxious), her behaviour in day to day life and routine , both professionally and socially ? have you noticed any significant changes in her demeaner off late?

 

6) has she started to become overly suspicious of others and blaming others falsely ?

 

7) does she hear any non existent voices or does she talk on her own when no one is around that you may have come across by witnessing her from a far away point ?

 

I will get abck to you once you reply to my query.

 

Regards..

 

 

Customer: replied 2 years ago.

1) since how long a period has she been behaving like this ? Approximately 7 years


 


2) how are her menstrual periods ? have they become irregular or has she reachedmenopause ? if yes then did her irregular periods started around the same time when she had started behaving differently ?


We have asked her doctor; but she has apparently not started menopause. However, her periods have always been somewhat irregular; she can actually stress herself into a early period (the quickest has been about 8 days apart).


 


3) is she on any drugs ?if yes kindly mention them ?


She takes a blood pressure medicine and she takes a sleeping pill from time to time (she has a lot of difficulty getting to sleep, especially when stressed).



4) has there been any family or past history of mental condition ?


There has been no recorded or observed mental illness in her family; however, she does have NF-2 (Neurofibromatosis "I don't think I spelled that correctly).


 


5) other than the sexual intimacy , how is her mood in general ( i.e low or extremely happy or irritable or anxious), her behaviour in day to day life and routine , both professionally and socially ? have you noticed any significant changes in her demeaner off late?


She is generally pretty stable in her moods; however if she does not like your response or becomes irritated she is actually kind a bear (gets madder than hell and starts slamming things). Pre-period she is quick to anger and difficult to communicate with. however when she is not irritated or angry she is actually quiet nice.



6) has she started to become overly suspicious of others and blaming others falsely ?


No although she will often not listen closely when I tell her something and accuses me of not saying anything.


 


7) does she hear any non existent voices or does she talk on her own when no one is around that you may have come across by witnessing her from a far away point ?


No. However,most adults in her family sleepwalk and sleeptalk (carry-on a whole discussion and have absolutely no idea of what she discussed or denying the conversation happened in the first place).

Expert:  Dr. Kaushik replied 2 years ago.

Thanks for the details, i really appreciate it.

 

kindly answer a last few queries..

 

1) Please mention the names of the anti hypertensive drug and sleep aid drug that she has been using and since how long a duration has she been on it ?

 

2) Do you think she has been depressed ? how has she been doing outside the realm of personal and sex life , such as professionally, socially ? has there been significant changes in these domains as well where in she had started to avoid responsibilities and duties assigned or expected of her ?

 

3) have you ever touched the topic with her that whether she is still attracted to you or is it the lack of attraction that is leading to decreased libido ?

 

4) is there any truth to her claim of being sexually molested by her own father ? Have you discussed this with any of her close relations like her mother ?

 

I will get back to you with appropriate solution once i receive your reply to my questions.

 

Regards..

 

 

Customer: replied 2 years ago.

1) Please mention the names of the anti hypertensive drug and sleep aid drug that she has been using and since how long a duration has she been on it ?


answer: My wife is taking Hyzar for blood pressure and she is taking Zolpidem for sleep.


 


2) Do you think she has been depressed ? how has she been doing outside the realm of personal and sex life , such as professionally, socially ? has there been significant changes in these domains as well where in she had started to avoid responsibilities and duties assigned or expected of her ?


Answer: A; She has some serious anxiety problems; but I have not seen any signs of a depression; "what do I know"


B; She is a nationally respected Engineer working for a major cable company; and she is quite affable with neighbors, associates and what few friends we have.


C; No she in fact is quite hard working and will gladly accept further responsibilities (with normal grumbling, that is).



3) have you ever touched the topic with her that whether she is still attracted to you or is it the lack of attraction that is leading to decreased libido ? Answer: I have discussed this with her many times and her common comment is once you get your 6-pack back, you will see the change. She has insisted from time to time that my lack of erectile response is something I can control , I do think she has finally realized that this was not the case. She continues to be enamored and attracted to me will kiss me when asked, but fends off my attempts to caress her with a pushoff, or holding my hands behind my back and then roughly groping me, when I attempt to hug or hold her she pushes off and says you are hurting me easy, easy, you are hurting me.


 


4) is there any truth to her claim of being sexually molested by her own father ? Have you discussed this with any of her close relations like her mother ?


Answer: Her mother abandoned the 3 children and her husband when she (the youngest was 4). She is about 5 years younger than her elder sister, at the time this purportedly happened the children did not believe her; she stated I told them that is why I wet the bed, I was afraid to go to the latrine by myself (the lived in a open loft over their shop in Trinidad). Her brother once stated that it was not true, however her elder sister protected her somewhat. About 2 years before I met her; her sister was killed in a single car accident and I do know that this weighs heavily on her mind. Although I am about a foot taller than her father, he and I have somewhat of a stomach not obese but I am about 35# heavier than I would like. Yes indeed I had an 8-pack when we married. All I can really say is that sexually her dynamics are much different than when we met, courted, married and the following 4 to 5 years.


 

Expert:  Dr. Kaushik replied 2 years ago.

Thanks for the reply, really appreciate your efforts..

 

Well, now i will like to answer your question.

 

You had mentioned that your wife is 45 yrs of age and this kind of denial/lack of sexual intimacy has been going on for sometime now while she was quite active sexually throughout the first 4 yrs of life.

 

You see i had mentioned earlier about whether she has reached menopause , the reason i asked this was because in women age between 40-50 yrs is called as menopausal age meaning that they reach menopause during this range of age , some of them reach it in early 40's while others reach it in late 40's , even 50 in some rare cases.

 

So why this is important for your wife , it is because she is in this menopausal age range although yet to reach menopause, but is very much in the Pre- menopausal period which is known to produce fluctuations and imbalances in the female sex hormones like estrogen and progesterone ( these hormones are on the decline with an impending complete absence of their production and deficiency ) leading to mood swings , decreased libido ( i.e decreased sex drive ) , emotional incontinenence and vulnerability leading to incessant crying spells without any reason or brooding over past emotional issues and revisting and ruminating past emotional trauma ( which explains why she has now started stating that she has been molested by her father, memory which had not visited her for so long a period), anxiety and irritability, also there are some physcial symptoms like non-specific bodily pain all over the body, joint pain, pain during sexual activitiy due to lack of lubrication of vagina owing to deficiency of female sex hormones during this phase ,all of these symptoms occurring in the perimenopausal / pre-menopausal period / age of a woman are collectively called as Peri-menopausal syndrome ( PMS ).

 

So your wife is resisting sex , not because of lack of attraction towards you or anything else , but the most plausible reason for this is something which is a normal physiological phenomenon that occurs naturally in all women of this age group called as Peri-menopausal syndrome ( PMS).

 

Now the solution is to consult your family doctor or preferrably a gynaecologist and get her this diagnosis of PMS confirmed by getting serum levels of estrogen and progesterone checked via blood tests and through a proper history and physical examination by the expert and once this diagnosis is confirmed then the doctor would like to start her on HRT that is Hormone replacement therapy ( in which hornonal supplements are given ) , which will allay all of her symptoms and also bring her libido back on track and redifine your sexual life and make it to suit your expectations and satisfaction.

 

Meanwhile you get her consulted with the above mentioned specialist to get her diagnosis confrmed and get started her on HRT , as of now you can get her started on some natural remedies which boost libido in women such as Lyriana or Her solution + Ginkgo biloba + ginseng. These 3 are natural remedies which you may get from a pharmacy near you and start her on them while you seek consultation and continue on them along with HRT also. These natural remedies will start improving her sex life while HRT comes into play.

 

I hope this helps..

 

Wish you all the best..

 

Please kindly leave a Positive rating if you are satisfied with the answer as only then will i be credited for my service.

 

Regards..

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