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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5458
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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Every morning my wife and I have "play time" and she then gets

Customer Question

Every morning my wife and I have "play time" and she then gets up, sends her boys off to school and walks the dogs for about 45 minutes. The first thing she does when she is off on her walk is call her freind, Mike" and chat for about 1/2 hour. They also text occasionally during the day. I know they have been friends for many years and she claims he is like a brother. I express my feelings that: as soon as we are done having sex you then go off and talk with another man about your day to day activities. I feel a bit emasculated that her attention can turn to another man so quickly. I have asked her not to end the friendship but perhaps more moderation would be appropriate. Somehow after an argument that may last a day or so I end up almost apoligizing for my insensitivity and we are back to square#1. Am I being irrational with unreal expectations between 2 friends or has this become an emotional affair..?
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 1 year ago.
Hello I'd like to help you with your question.

You are not being irrational at all. When a spouse goes outside the marriage and seeks an emotional connection with someone of the opposite sex, it is a way of saying that their emotional needs are not being met in the marriage. It can send the wrong signals, no matter how long they have known each other and how innocent they feel it is.

In a marriage, the partners are supposed to put each other first. And if you are feeling bothered by the relationship your wife is having with this man, then she needs to put your feelings first and stop what she is doing. While it is ok for her to be friends with another man, the only time that is acceptable is when you are fully involved, such as with another couple or the man is your friend and she talks with him while you are present or speaking to men at work regarding work related issues. Otherwise, going off on her own to talk with a man is sending a message that her needs are not being met with you. And that is why you are feeling as you do about this situation. What she is doing is undermining your ability to trust her. That affects how you feel about her, your ability to be open with her and tell her anything about how you feel.

You may want to talk with her again about your feelings. Suggest you try counseling again. If she becomes upset like before, it may be because she doesn't want to face the situation. In that case, you may need to go to therapy on your own for the support and to decide the best way to handle this situation. If she is willing to go to therapy, however, work with her to find out why she feels she must maintain this relationship and what issues she might be having that are causing her to ignore your feelings in favor of her own.

I hope this as helped you,
Kate
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5458
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 1 year ago.


..thanks. I appreciate your response and her therapist is aware of her behavior as she was seeing her during her divorce. It is the reason that I advocated marriage counciling with her prior therapist 4 months ago. My wife initially agreed and we had about 6 sessions until her behavior was strongly questioned by the therapist and I was accused of validation. ...perhaps I am but then that is why I am scheduled our therapist to look deeper into myself and perhaps understand why I entered into this kind of relationship being previously forwarned.

Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 1 year ago.

You're welcome! And thank you for the positive rating and generous bonus. I appreciate it very much.

Relationships can be very complicated, and it is easy to feel hope that the person you are with has changed if their past behavior is questionable. The beginning of a relationship is a new start and therefore is almost always promising. It can be difficult to think that someone you care deeply about can actually hurt you. If it helps, try to see this as about your partner and not you. If she has done this before, then that validates that it is about her and has nothing to do with you. That can be difficult to believe now, but as you work through this, it will get easier.

My best to you,
Kate

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