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TherapistJen
TherapistJen, LCSW, CPC
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 3142
Experience:  Licensed Clinical Social Worker.
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My husband and I cannot communicate, we get into arguements

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My husband and I cannot communicate, we get into arguements about everything, he doesnt want to see a therapist because he thinks we can work it out, but we have been together for 5+ years and havent been able to "work it out". I think about divorce all the time but I dont want to let anyone down, what should I do?

CoachJenK :

Hi. Welcome. I am a Licensed Master Social Worker with more than 20 years experience working with individuals and families on a variety of issues.

Customer:

Hello


 

CoachJenK :

I think your happiness is important and as you say you have not been able to work it out without some outside help. Men have a harder time being vulnerable and getting into therapy but it sounds like this is the only option. How would it feel to let him know that unless there is marriage counseling you dont believe the marriage will survive?


 

CoachJenK :

Hi


 

Customer:

I guess I have never put it into those terms


 

CoachJenK :

And I am not suggesting you have to but just something for you to think about. do you think the marriage will survive if you dont get counseling?


 

Customer:

Not really. we dont get through to each other. So how can it, right?


 

CoachJenK :

what drew you to one another initially? and where has that gone...lost because of the lack of communication?


 

CoachJenK :

sometimes this can be a short term experience


in therapy as both of you will be able to discuss what the issues are and come up with alternate ways of dealing with things.

CoachJenK :

so you may want to express to him again how you feel and what you feel is crucial in order for the marriage to survive.


 

Customer:

We worked together so I guess it was convenient at the time. There are qualities about him that I love but I feel like I am stuck in a situation that is never going to get better.


 

CoachJenK :

I hear you and am in agreement with you that some professional assistance could help. If he refuses to go then he really is communicating something about how hard he will work to save things.


 

Customer:

I dont think I was honest with myself about the concerns in our relationship and now that were married its harder to fix them than it would have been before.


 

CoachJenK :

talk to me about this feeling of letting people down. who will you be letting down?


 

Customer:

Myself, my husband my family just everyone I suppose.


 

CoachJenK :

yes and we all tend to overlook things when we are dating....go easy on yourself here


 

CoachJenK :

I can understand that but your happiness is important too.


 

Customer:

I dont like to give up and he is a very sensitive person I really would hate to break his spirit.


 

CoachJenK :

I hea how lovely and thoughtful you are....that is why trying to get him into counseling is a way to help his spirit too.


 

CoachJenK :

and if he is sensitive then that is the way to talk to him...with sensitivity, love and desire.


 

CoachJenK :

"I love you, you are warm and wonderful, but we are stuck and I want things to work. Please be open to going to see someone so we can relate and communicate better."


 

Customer:

It seems like everytime we have a disagreement which is about most things, it turms into "well you do this" just goes back and forth until it ends up with me leaving the situation or him saying something like "ill never bring anything up ever again"


 

CoachJenK :

help is needed to break this pattern and destructive communication. i am with you.


 

Customer:

sometimes despite the fact that I dont want to let anyone down, I dont really care if it works out anymore...


 

CoachJenK :

Yes and i hear that. I think it might be different if he were desirous of working on things but because he isn't things feel daunting. And you can express that to him as well.


 

CoachJenK :

In the end if he wont get the help is needed it seems like things are heading in a direction of not being able to be worked though.


 

Customer:

I find myself fantasizing about other relationships. Being able to start over and be more aware of qualities that are important to me.


 

CoachJenK :

I think this is important to pay attention to. Maybe your own therapy then is the place to work on it and see what you really need to do for yourself especially if he refuses counseling again.


 

CoachJenK :

you are entitled to happiness and fulfillment.


 

CoachJenK :

we only come around once!


 

CoachJenK :

you okay?


 

Customer:

yes I am ok. I just didnt imagine my life going in this direction and it is a little sad to me.

CoachJenK :

I understand and i can feel it...which is why I asked if you were okay.


 

CoachJenK :

you will get through this and you will feel happy and content one way or the other.


 

Customer:

He lacks drive and I am super chaotic. I am trying to work through things but I think I wish he was a different person and that probably isnt fair for him. i just wish I could have been more aware before I agreed to spend the rest ofmy life with him.


 

CoachJenK :

Please go easy on yourself. We all figure things out when we do.


 

CoachJenK :

This is why the communication may be so tough for both of you...just very different and hard to connect them.


 

Customer:

your right well I guess with or without him i will talk to someone. I appreciate your time and support thanks!

CoachJenK :

It is my pleasure. you can come to me anytime. just write for coachJenK at the beginning of a question and it will come to me.


 

CoachJenK :

Please take a moment to click on the rating tab to offer a rating of my work


 

Customer:

ok perfect thanks

CoachJenK :

my goal has been to give you excellent support.


 

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