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Ask TherapistJen Your Own Question
TherapistJen
TherapistJen, LCSW, CPC
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 2906
Experience:  Licensed Clinical Social Worker.
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Lesbian partner wants sex with a man. .

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I am soo confused. I am a lesbian and have a lesbian partner. We have been together for 5 1/2 years and got married several years ago. We are both in our 40's and my partner has been gay since she was 14. She recently had an affair with a man that lasted 3 months and never told me. I found out after looking at the phone bill as well as credit card statement s with the hotels listed on them,. The affair has eneded because she says she loves me. We are trying now to rebuild the relationship and are living seperately, so called "dating" each other. We have everything and get along great, but she says the sexual part of our relationship is not there because she wants to be with a man sexually. I told her we can improvise like we have in the past with dildos, etc. but she says its not the same. I don't understand why the "confusion" all of a sudden on her end. She says she does not want to be with anyone else but me and doesnt know why she is feeling this change. I'm not sure what to do. I don't understand why all of a sudden there is a "change" in what she wants sexually.


CoachJenK :

Hi. Welcome. I am a Licensed Master Social Worker with more than 20 years experience working with individuals and families on a variety of issues.

CoachJenK :

I am sorry to hear of this struggle and the pain you have experienced due to her infidelity.


 

CoachJenK :

Prior to being together what was her sexual history? was she with men and women?


 

CoachJenK :

I will wait for you to come online so we can chat. I am here to support you.


 

Customer:

Hi Jen,


 


She has always been with women but yes she has slept with men in the past, although she has never had a relationship with them. All of her relationships have been with women, but she has cheated with women in every one of her past relationships. She says she does not want to be with a man, just sexually and i am everything she wants, of course minus the sexual thing. Our relationship was great prior to this happening. We are both professional women and she is very attractive and always gets alot of attention from men. I just don't understand how your sexual desires can change that quickly. She says she is scared because the feelings she is having just arent going away.

CoachJenK :

hi


 

CoachJenK :

I am not sure this has been a sudden change but maybe more of her loving the emotional connection she has with you and the physical with a man.


 

CoachJenK :

that is why i asked what her past experiences have been. She identifies as a lesbian or bi-sexual?


 

CoachJenK :

and if she wants to be with you..how will this desire in her be satisfied? Does she expect you to accept this as part of your relationship? My worry would be that she represses this desire in herself and ends up hurting you again.


 

Customer:

I am afraid of that as well, although she says it will "never" happen again. I just cant belive that. She identifes herself as gay/lesbian and always has. During the affair, we agreed that she would move out because I was having such a hard time with it. I told her the only way we would "date" and spend time with one another is if she goes to counseling, whihc she has only gone one time. And not see anyone else. She lost her mother, whom she was very close to, about 2 years ago from Lou Gehrigs Disease and has never gotten over it. Could any of these changed be brought on by the grief? Another thing, the affair she had, was emotional as well, she said she had very strong feelings for him (they were old friends that reconnected throug work). He wanted 100% from her but she told him she couldnt give it becaue she loved me. She wants the sexual feelings to go away, but I truly don't believe they will and I'm afraid that trying to rebuild our relationship is ultimately going to be a waste of time.

CoachJenK :

there is a lot going on for her. I think that even with the grief around the loss of her Mom it would be less likely that she would all of a sudden develop a sexual desire for a man. Was her mother supportive of her being a lesbian or did she want her to be with a man?


 

CoachJenK :

when she has cheated in the past was it with men or other women?


 

CoachJenK :

There are several issues at play...one her infidelity and two her desire to be with a man sexually.


 

Customer:

Her mother very much accepted her as she was and in fact loved me very much. We took care of her in our home until she passed away. So, yes I believe she does have alot going on with herself such as self esteem issues, grief, confusion, etc. Just not sure where to go from here. Do we keep trying and hope that her feelings come back, or just part and take care of ourselves through counseling, etc?

CoachJenK :

I think she does have the feelings still for you....I believe that she needs to be in her counseling to understand a bit more about this desire and also counseling together could be helpful so that you can try and reconnect to one another because what is clear is the deep love you have for one another.


 

CoachJenK :

but she has this individual issue of infidelity


 

CoachJenK :

the reason I asked about her mom and acceptance was because if her mom wasn't accepting then she could have been acting out the mothers wishes after her passing. So, I am glad to hear that you were close and all was well there.


 

CoachJenK :

I dont think you are ready to part as you love her too much.


 

CoachJenK :

But yes there is this risk of this happening again, but that risk exists with anyone in any new relationship...the risk of infidelity so it comes down to the two of you and your desire to work on things and commit to being together.


 

CoachJenK :

Are you able to rebuild feelings of trust


 

Customer:

Thank you so much for chatting with me, this whole issue has really broken me down as well as my heart and trust. I am trying becaue I love her so much and what we had was special. We are each other's best friend and I hope that everything works out. I am trying to adapt the saying that everything happens for a reason and keep telling myself that. I guess if its meant to be, it will, and if its not, then it wont. Thank you again..

CoachJenK :

It is my pleasure to speak with you and I am here anytime you need support. I can hear your pain and my heart goes out to you. I am encouraged by her desire to work on things and I can hear the love on both sides....so my heart says let it play out and in time you will know where it is meant to be.


 

CoachJenK :

you can request me anytime by writing for coachjenk at the beginning of a question.


 

CoachJenK :

Can i support you any further now?


 

CoachJenK :

If you don't need anything more from me now, please take a moment to click on the rating tab to offer a rating of my work. My goal has been to provide you with excellent support.


 

CoachJenK :

Are you still here with me?


 

Customer:

Yes, and thank u again very much. If more things come up, I will definitely request you again.


Have a great day!

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