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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5523
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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Still having relationship anxiety.

Resolved Question:

Still having relationship anxiety. To the point now its starting to effect us both.... Maybe even effect the relationship now with my insecurities with us in general. Always seems to circle back to at the very beginning of the relationship with all the nonsense I found 2 months into the relationship.

Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Hello, I'd like to help you with your question.

Can you tell me a bit more about how your insecurities are affecting your relationship?

Thanks,

Kate

Customer: replied 2 years ago.

It went on for close to 6 weeks I'd say.... She told me it was an guy she was seeing before me. I had nothing to worry about... That it was over he was this and that. But continued to "be his therapist" was how she put it.

Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.
It sounds like your girlfriend was still talking with an ex, acting as a confidant for him. When someone continues a connection to their ex or others outside of the relationship, it can undermine the trust between the couple. And if your girlfriend was spending time with her ex and letting him talk to her about personal problems, then it can hurt your relationship, giving you good reason to feel insecure about her motivations, and also her ex's motivations.

Anytime someone keeps a relationship from the past going, it usually indicates issues with that person. Either they are insecure or they cannot commit to relationships because of past problems in their childhood. Sometimes understanding the reasons behind why someone acts as they do can help them stop the behavior.

You mentioned talking with your girlfriend about how you feel. It is good that the two of you are communicating. But it is also important that your girlfriend give up her relationship with her ex and stop all communication with him. Otherwise, the trust in your relationship will erode. If she won't stop talking to him, then you may want to back off for a while until she decides what she is doing. But if she agrees, then both of you can begin to work on the trust between you. This means that she has to prove herself trustworthy by being open and honest about who she is talking with and where she is until you feel you can trust her again.

I hope this has helped you,
Kate
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

Funny you should say that... She has a horrible relationship with her father and apparently so does her ex/ friend. In time I feel like it has started to erode the relationship. I've tried on multiple occasions to "come clean": and just explain the situation. She disgards and tells me he means nothing to her. During one discussion basically told me "Her past was none of my business" So in a lot of ways I feel I either need to get over it and move on. Or close the door on "us" and move on personally. Not really sure what I want to do....

Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

If she is dismissing your feelings, that is not a good sign. It indicates that she is putting her own feelings first. In a relationship, it is important to put your partner first. If she is not willing to do that, you may want to talk with her about why. Let her know that she is with you and therefore your feelings should matter most to her. If you feel you cannot get a helpful response from her, then you may want to suggest a break from the relationship until she decides if she is willing to commit to you or not.

Kate

Customer: replied 2 years ago.

She's a very selfish individual... Like she's never wrong.. everyone else is. She definitely puts her own feelings first without a doubt. Its funny because I think she's had a problem with this her entire life. In her words "Never been a long term relationship person". Once had a conversation about past relationships lengths and I have been in much longer substantial relationship then she has. So makes complete sense.


 

Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

I am sorry to hear that. What she is saying to you is not a good sign. It may be up to you to decide if this relationship is going to work for you. She is giving you signs that she is unable to maintain a relationship and if that is not what you want, then you may need to consider moving on.

Kate



May I please request that if you find the service I provided helpful at all that you rate me with three or more stars? Your rating is the only way I am reimbursed for my answer.
Thank you so much
!

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5523
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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