How JustAnswer Works:

  • Ask an Expert
    Experts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional Answer
    Via email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site.
    Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction Guarantee
    Rate the answer you receive.

Ask Dr. Rossi Your Own Question

Dr. Rossi
Dr. Rossi, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 4627
Experience:  PsyD, LPC, CHt
19260254
Type Your Mental Health Question Here...
Dr. Rossi is online now
A new question is answered every 9 seconds

I have a girlfriend who ive been seeing for close to five months.

Resolved Question:

I have a girlfriend who ive been seeing for close to five months. She is coming out of a five year relationship who a man who has been mentally and sometimes physically abusive to her. I just resently found out that he is still contacting her and still doing anything he can to not only try to get her back but also saying things to her that is a continuation of this mental abuse. I cant get her to tell me everything but she has told me that she feels guility for not wanting to be with him and she is allowing him to continue to talk to her because of this guilt. She is basically blaming herself for everything he has done to her and I cant get her to stop allowing this to continue. How can I help her?
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. Rossi replied 1 year ago.

Dr. Rossi :

Hi,

Dr. Rossi :

Her relationship w/ you is still somewhat new. In order for her to share more things about herself/her issues, she would want to trust you more.

Dr. Rossi :

It is not uncommon for abused women to blame themselves. This is often due to low self esteem and brain washing of sorts by the abuser.

Dr. Rossi :

In may cases, the woman does not assert herself or identify with a solid ego. She relies on the abuser for deriving her sense of self. Even if it is negative. Negative attention is still seen as attention. It's unfortunate but over time, she most likely had started to believe everything he says even if it is degrading or abusive to her.

Dr. Rossi :

In order to help her, you've got to accept that she alone helps herself. That is a personal choice. If you seem to pressure her to talk or halt her conversations w/ her ex, she may perceive that as controlling.

Dr. Rossi :

You could try to assist her in identifying her reason for feeling guilty. Behind her guilt, may be another emotion i.e. feeling abandoned, afraid, etc. This feeling may be subconscious. Therefore, you can try to ask her different open ended questions and see what she says.


 

Dr. Rossi :

At times, abused women are holding onto the relationship w/ the abuser because it is a subconscious attempt to "fix" another relationship from their childhood. Whether that is a relationship w/ an abusive, cold/non demonstrative parent, care giver, a teacher/mentor who had evoked low self esteem, etc.

Dr. Rossi :

You can remind her about those qualities in her that you've fallen in love with, compliment her, praise her accomplishments (whatever they may be) and let her know that you're there to listen to her when she wants to have a neutral feedback, or to simply be heard.

Dr. Rossi :

Issues relating trauma/abuse often take a long time to be sorted out. Sometimes the abused individuals does not completely works these issues through. If she had not had any kind of counseling about this, it is something to look into.

Dr. Rossi :

Not sure if you're still online. Feel free to reply when back on.

Customer:

She has told me she would see a counsiler can you recomend someone?

Dr. Rossi, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 4627
Experience: PsyD, LPC, CHt
Dr. Rossi and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Dr. Rossi replied 1 year ago.
Our chat has ended, but you can still continue to ask me questions here until you are satisfied with your answer. Come back to this page to view our conversation and any other new information.

What happens now?

If you haven’t already done so, please rate your answer above. Or, you can reply to me using the box below.
Expert:  Dr. Rossi replied 1 year ago.
What state does she live in and does she have insurance or EAP benefits through her work? If she has EAP benefits, it would be best to see someone through them as it allows for some free sessions. If she has insurance, it is good to see someone in network.
In either case, she would want to work w/ someone specializing in PTSD/trauma issues. The individuals she chooses would be a personal choice i.e. whether it is female or male, younger or older, etc.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.


you had mentioned assisting her in identifying her reason for feeling guilty. can you give me examples of open ended questions I can ask?

Expert:  Dr. Rossi replied 1 year ago.
When you feel guilty, what does this feeling remind you of (other times you felt this way?)
Are there other individuals who had evoked guilt in you and how?
What makes you feel responsible for what had happened b/w the two of you? Do you believe what you think?
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Thank you that is great advice, I will encourage her to contact her EAP and will ask her those questions to try to understand her past a little more. My first reactions have not been very supportive because I just did not understand what was going on. I almost contacted him myself to try to get him to leave her alone but that would probably only make things worse. I appricate your time. I guess at this point I just have to me paitent and reassure her that I'm here for her.
Expert:  Dr. Rossi replied 1 year ago.
Patience is needed since trauma takes time to recover from. If she had not told her ex that she is seeing someone (you), encourage her to do so. Point out to her that it would make you feel more at ease knowing that she acknowledges this new relationship.

JustAnswer in the News:

 
 
 
Ask-a-doc Web sites: If you've got a quick question, you can try to get an answer from sites that say they have various specialists on hand to give quick answers... Justanswer.com.
JustAnswer.com...has seen a spike since October in legal questions from readers about layoffs, unemployment and severance.
Web sites like justanswer.com/legal
...leave nothing to chance.
Traffic on JustAnswer rose 14 percent...and had nearly 400,000 page views in 30 days...inquiries related to stress, high blood pressure, drinking and heart pain jumped 33 percent.
Tory Johnson, GMA Workplace Contributor, discusses work-from-home jobs, such as JustAnswer in which verified Experts answer people’s questions.
I will tell you that...the things you have to go through to be an Expert are quite rigorous.
 
 
 

What Customers are Saying:

 
 
 
  • I can go as far as to say it could have resulted in saving my sons life and our entire family now knows what bipolar is and how to assist and understand my most wonderful son, brother and friend to all who loves him dearly. Thank you very much Corrie Moll Pretoria, South Africa
< Last | Next >
  • I can go as far as to say it could have resulted in saving my sons life and our entire family now knows what bipolar is and how to assist and understand my most wonderful son, brother and friend to all who loves him dearly. Thank you very much Corrie Moll Pretoria, South Africa
  • I thank-you so much! It really helped to have this information and confirmation. We will watch her carefully and get her in for the examination and US right away if things do not improve. God bless you as well! Claudia Albuquerque, NM
  • Outstanding response time less than 6 minutes. Answered the question professionally and with a great deal of compassion. Kevin Beaverton, OR
  • Suggested diagnosis was what I hoped and will take this info to my doctor's appointment next week.
    I feel better already! Thank you.
    Elanor Tracy, CA
  • Thank you to the Physician who answered my question today. The answer was far more informative than what I got from the Physicians I saw in person for my problem. Julie Lockesburg, AR
  • You have been more help than you know. I seriously don't know what my sisters situation would be today if you had not gone above and beyond just answering my questions. John and Stefanie Tucson, AZ
  • I have been dealing with an extremely serious health crisis for over three years, and one your physicians asked me more questions, gave me more answers and encouragement than a dozen different doctors who have been treating me!! Janet V Phoenix, AZ
 
 
 

Meet The Experts:

 
 
 
  • Dr. Keane

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1262
    Clinical Psychology PhD, Licensed Professional Counselor with experience in marriage/family, teens and child psychology.
< Last | Next >
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/DR/Dr.Keane/2013-8-20_204325_drkeane.64x64.jpg Dr. Keane's Avatar

    Dr. Keane

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1262
    Clinical Psychology PhD, Licensed Professional Counselor with experience in marriage/family, teens and child psychology.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/RE/resolutions66/2011-1-17_05728_IMG8202smilingeditedforJustAnswer.64x64.jpg Elliott, LPCC, NCC's Avatar

    Elliott, LPCC, NCC

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    5024
    35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/formybunch/2010-12-06_191055_img_0975.jpg Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC's Avatar

    Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    3733
    Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/DR/DrAkiraOlsen/2012-2-20_746_AkiraADpicmain.64x64.jpg Dr. Olsen's Avatar

    Dr. Olsen

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    2336
    PsyD Psychologist
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/norriem/2009-5-27_134249_nm.jpg Norman M.'s Avatar

    Norman M.

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    2193
    UK trained in hypnotherapy, counselling and psychotherapy and have been in private practice. ADHP(NC), DEHP(NC), UKCP Registered and ECP.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/PsychologyProf/2010-07-15_171248_logos060400409.jpg Dr. Michael's Avatar

    Dr. Michael

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    2177
    Licensed Ph.D. Clinical Health Psychology with 30 years of experience in private practive and as a clinical psychology university professor.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/KURTEMMERLING/2010-07-23_215531_just_ask_picture1.jpg Steven Olsen's Avatar

    Steven Olsen

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1727
    More than twenty years of expertise in counseling, psychological diagnosis and education