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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5424
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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Addicted to new friend

Resolved Question:

I am addicted to spending time with my new friend (same sex). She is away - I am missing her. I worry like crazy she will go off me as a friend or stop liking me. I overanalyse our time together and the way I have behaved. I got to know her through work. When I met her I identified I wanted to have her as my friend. I edged her down, invited her out, got her to come places with me. I love being with her. But I keep analysing every single aspect of each rendez vous. And kicking myself if I think I said too much or drank too much (not got drunk mind). I so want her to like me. I think it is because she is older than and I think she is cool ! Having said all this last week she actually quoted one of my sayings / jokes in a crowded room. I don't think she realised she'd picked it up from me :-)
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 1 year ago.
Hello, I'd like to help you with your question.

Sometimes when you find yourself overly attracted so another person, it can because that person represents something in you that you feel is lacking. Often, the other person is appealing because they have traits we want to have for ourselves- looks, personality or material things. Most of the time, this attraction happens because we feel deficient in some way, usually due to insecurity or feeling we don't measure up.

If being around this co worker makes you critical of yourself in what you say and what you do, then that can be a sign that you feel insecure. Putting a lot of value into her actions, especially what she feels about you and worrying that you will offend her and she will reject you is giving her a lot of power over you. That is also a sign that there are unmet needs in your life.

What may help is to take a look at your own needs, especially from your past. If you grew up in an abusive environment or were neglected or traumatized in any way, that can leave you feeling insecure and unloved. Even if you feel you have learned to cope with those feelings now that you are an adult, the unmet needs are still there. In order to address them, consider talking to a therapist. The therapist can help you find the root of your unmet needs and help you find ways to meet them so you don't need to look to others to get them met. It will make your relationship with this co worker more balanced and less intense for you.

I hope this has helped you,
Kate
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5424
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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