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psychlady, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
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Experience:  Psychotherapist specializing in the treatment of a variety of mental health issues.
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I and my husband get into horrible fights. The fights start

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I and my husband get into horrible fights. The fights start off as small arguments and escalades to a screaming match. When the fights get bad and if I’m at work he accuses of me drinking during my lunch hour and that is why I’m being irrational with him when I talk to him over the phone. I don’t drink and haven’t had any alcohol in years. I stopped due to my husband had an alcohol problem AND because I don’t want the negative issues alcohol has brought into my life. My husband has gone twice to Alcoholics Anonymous programs and has lied to me about his drinking. Another explanation my husband uses to why we fight is that I’m cheating on him….or on drugs because I come home tired…..or just that I want to start fights with him. He has actually accused me of seeing my ex-husband and smoking marijuana with him. I haven’t seen or talked to my ex-husband since we divorced. Sometimes I think he really believes that I’m doing these things behind his back. I don’t cheat, I don’t drink and I don’t do drugs. I have told him..in a calm and polite way that I don’t do anything like that and stop accusing me. I’m to the point that I’m yelling at him. I tell him to stop but he continues argue to the point I leave home … but then he sends me so many text messages that I have to turn off my phone. In his massages he says “I have changed and you haven’t. You are the one with the problem”.
Is he crazy or is he wanting to push my hot buttons? When we fight I tell him to not curse in front of our children but he continues. I’m just tired of fighting and don’t know how to talk to him.

He may be pushing your buttons with this attention seeking behavior. When people are insecure or coming from an insecure place, they will make accusations out of their own fears. Unless he conquers his demons, it is likely that he will continue this behavior. Even though you have tried counseling before, you can determine if he wants this relationship by offering that you both get help as a couple. You can do this through relationship counseling where hopefully he can resolve what is making him act negatively and how to interact as a couple. He may in addition have poor communication skills and this leads to these heated fights. I would offer to visit a relationship counselor because you both need help getting along then he may be more receptive. If you think that too much damage has been done then you have every right to walk away. You don't have to subject yourself to a negative relationship. Weigh the pros and cons and decide if this is a healthy situation.

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