Hey ... Well .... Where to start?
Bought a new house - closing is next month. Really busy packing up here and getting ready to put this house on the market next week. So all that, plus getting all the paperwork together, etc. for financing (since we are buying the new house before having sold this one) has taken a lot of time. Plus - the way things worked out, we are moving the same weekend as P's brother and sister-in-law are moving all their stuff from AZ to their new house, and p sold her parents' house and it closes the day before ours on the new one. So we need to have an estate sale and get everything out of there, too. My case with LP settled and the hearing for approval of the settlement is in a few weeks, then we will merge our firms. We're meeting tomorrow to discuss details.
Meanwhile, therapy has been rough and I felt like Linda is making new rules. I went from not expressing my feelings at all, to barely being able to control them, then she did
not want me to get upset b/c she felt like I'd slip into the shame feelings and it was hard to get me out. As I think I told you, she thinks the shame is obsessive thoughts. I'm not so convinced anymore. She is convinced, though. She tells me to feel what I feel and process my feelings. Then she says - well, except those feelings that are negative towards yourself. I told her I can't keep the rules straight. I do not need to cry in session, but I need some time to get control of my feelings now that it's swung the other way and I seem to feel like crying all the time - I am better about it at work and stuff now, but not in therapy. I left before the end of my session last week b/c I was going to get upset and I wasn't sure I could control the feelings. And I was mad because I was told one thing, and now I'm being told it's not okay to feel as I do. I told her that when she called me the next day, and she understood I was getting mixed messages. She also apologized that she is giving me the same messages i grew up with that she said were unfair. It was resolved a bit, but I still am confused and resolved myself of to cry in session w/ her anymore. And I'm sorry, but I'm not sure I think this all boils down to obsessive thinking. She keeps sayibg things like "until you agree with me and can consider this is what it is ..." i can consider it. I am. But the solution for it is to brush off those feelings when they come - the exact opposite of what I was told I needed to do before. And it is basically saying that certain feelings are invalid. How do I know?? It really angers me. It's like - feel the emotions unless it's something that she thinks is too painful for me, and then we call those "obsessions" and we have to put them away. This, after It has become clear to me that putting my feelings away for so long is why I am in this present mess. She referred me to another therapist for EMDR. She spoke to her, I made an appointment for today, & they spoke again. Then Linda announced at my appointment Monday that I wasn't going to be seeing her while I was going through the EMDR. We could talk on the phone, but not have sessions. That threw me, b/c she originally said I'd meet w/ her still once a week. I didn't even get a say. She told me to ask rose, the other therapist, about it. I was really scared about the whole thing, & then felt like I got thrown of to someone I've never even met to do this EMDR, and expected to become instantly comfortable w/ her, & meanwhile, my biggest support is taken away. Linda said rose said it would be about 4-5 sessions.
I went tonight. We just talked - didn't start EMDR. She just asked about family, childhood, work, etc. and explained a little what we would be doing. She said it would be about 7 sessions - once a week for at least the first 3 if she can fit me in (she only works 3 days/wk). We will start w/ other, less disturbing, memories the first few times, then move on to what happened. I dont even have a clue what other unrelated issues i should bring up. I cant think of any. Suggestions? If we don't start on the real issue for a few weeks, and if we don't end up doing it every week, this is going to take until Christmas!! Meanwhile, I can't see Linda. I was in the middle of an upsetting time, and now I feel hung out here. Plus, the 20th anniversary of what happened is next month, and I don't know why, but it's really bothering me. And I feel alone.
All this stuff is going on and I feel like I don't have a safety net. I'm sitting here in the garage (surrounded by piles of boxes) crying at 11:00 at night, and I am not sure what to do. I feel directionless. I've had nightmares
and migraines all week (thankfully, the new migraine meds are working pretty well - can be functional within several hours). And I can't even rest - I have too much to do here and at work.
I feel totally overwhelmed. I saw dr. M last Thursday for a med appointment. It went fine, but she is still making me come back every month. I don't know why. But i can't really NOT come back because she only gives me 1 month rx's for my adderall at a time. Seems like she is just using that to make sure I do come each month, considering the adderall is the one thing that we all agree has really improved my quality of life. I dont get it.
Also, I'm supposed to be Doing the self-study nightmare clinic CD 's & workbook for dr krakow (sleep dr) & I haven't even started it yet.
I need some suggestions here. Please? I'm not sure what I should do. I know that much of this stuff is self-imposed, but i can't stop it now and I'm having trouble dealing, and I wasn't expecting to get in with the EMDR therapist so quickly (the other one I was supposed to see never called me back at all ?). But dr m and Linda both know rose very well. She seems nice and she is also a Christian. But how am I suppose to trust her/feel comfortable right off the bat? And I really wasn't prepared for Linda to just tell me Mon we wouldn't be meeting again until I was done with EMDR. Inasked rose about it todat, & she said she thought it was best that I just work on this and not meet with Linda and she said Linda agreed with her. Okay, if that's what needs to happen, but some forewarning would've been nice.
I feel like running away. I feel totally out of control and on some runaway train in every facet of my life right now. I really like the new house and should be excited about it - or concerned that I have to drive 45 min to work now instead of 6 minutes, or feel something - bunk don't. I don't even care. I'm doing what I should - packing, working to make sure closing happens on time, helping to get the house ready - but it's because I know I have to. I don't really care about any of it and am just going through the motions. I am getting new clients right and left, but feel like telling them all to hire someone else. I feel like telling LP I don't even want to be a partner - just an employee. I will just give him my firm. I want to just go away, and am so upset I got myself into any of this. Do you understand? I just want to be alone with my dog and make my stupid lists all day. It's the only thing that calms me right now, it seems. I am just at a loss.
I'm sory for being so negative. I feel like my mood dropped significantly just since my appointment with Ross, and I don't know why , because it wasn bad, and she is nice.