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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5469
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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I have read the "Warning Signs Youre Dating a Loser" and feel

Resolved Question:

I have read the "Warning Signs You're Dating a Loser" and feel I fall into this category. My live in girlfriend fits about twelve of the warning signs. Yet, for some reason, I keep giving her more chances and for some reason I just can't let go. All my friends and family see what she is doing to me. She only gets mad when I tell other people. Stating this is our business and not theirs. What can I do? This is destroying me emotionally. Why can't I just walk away?
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.
Hello, I'd like to help you with your question.

It sounds like you might be stuck in a pattern of behavior that is hard to get out of. You mentioned that your girlfriend is trying to address her issues through therapy but you are not seeing much improvement. Yet, even though you are unhappy when she asks you for another chance, you stay with her. This can indicate that either you don't want to end the relationship or you feel guilty about ending the relationship.

When two people get into a relationship, they bring their past issues with them. Each has their own set of behaviors, wants and expectations. Because of this, relationships can become toxic if the expectations and behaviors are hurtful, abusive or incompatible.

It sounds like your girlfriend might be using guilt to keep you in the relationship, which is a behavior that is hurtful. She knows it works with you because there is something from your past that allows that guilt to work. So she keeps pressing that guilt button and you keep responding.

In order to break the cycle, you will need to change how you view the relationship and your girlfriend. You already know that things are not right between you if you are looking for answers in books, talking to your friends and family and asking her to see a therapist. The question to ask yourself is how long you are willing to give the relationship before you feel it has been enough time? Answer this question on your own, without anyone else's input. Then once you decide that, take a step back emotionally and see what happens. If you begin to notice changes with your girlfriend, then reassess. But if there are no changes, then stick with your plan.

If you find that you can't take any steps without feeling bad or guilty, you may want to consider talking to a therapist about what keeps you in the relationship. Even a few sessions might help you clarify what is holding you back from making a change, if one is needed.

I hope this has helped you,
Kate
Customer: replied 2 years ago.


I think part of the reason I keep giving her more chances is out of guilt. She is almost 100% financially dependant on me. I pay all of the rent, utilities, food etc. She cannot afford to survive without my help. She has a job, but it only pays minimum wage and she only works 30 hours/week. She doesn't even have a car.

Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

That is probably the reason then. If you make her leave, she might make you feel bad about leaving her with "nothing". She has become dependent on you and that is not a good situation. You can still set a time to end the relationship if you want, but tell her that you feel she needs to become more independent in the meanwhile. That kind of dependency is not good for any relationship.

Kate

Customer: replied 2 years ago.


I have set an end date, but then I get texts like this:


 


"Thanks for giving up. I sure was kidding myself"


"Sorry I didn't get fixed quick enough for you and I am sorry for loving you"


I know I have made mistakes but you have CRUSHED not only my heart but my spirit. Well done"


"And you will go on and never look back!"


"What SUCKS is just when I start to believe in me and us BOOM!"


""Happy 50th to me :("


 


And these were all rapid fire within a five minute period.


 


 

Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

That sounds like she is piling on the guilt. You need to tune that out and decide what is good for you. You are not responsible for her. She has to be responsible for herself and that is not what she is doing. She is trying to make you responsible. If you feel that it is too difficult to end the relationship, try talking with a therapist to help you disengage yourself from the dysfunction of the relationship. It seems like this is not good for either of you.

Kate

Customer: replied 2 years ago.


Okay, thank you. I don't think she is good for me, but somehow I still love her very much. How can I deal with that?

Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Many people end a relationship still loving the other person. They just realize that the relationship is too broken to continue. It may take some time to feel better once you end things, but you will. It just takes some time to adjust and to grieve the loss. Talk to others and be sure to take care of yourself. Those things do help.

Kate



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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5469
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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