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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5469
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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I am 42 and in 2005 was in a horiffic car accident that left

Resolved Question:

I am 42 and in 2005 was in a horiffic car accident that left me disabled. I have always been self-sufficient, earning a degree and living on my own. I am like my father and my brother is like my mother (less intelligence with low self esteem). My mother has been verbally attacking me - telling me she hates me as an example. Emotionally attacks me every time my father is out of her house - I am awaiting surgery so my doctor is bad while my fabulous pain management doctor is just waning to wake money (careful w/meds). I'm a druggy, anything bad I am hallucinating her saying even though I don't have audible hallucinations. I hear sirens from the accident and other things from my subconscious. Her grandkids won't talk to her. Many of her friends will not either. She will not visit anyone who gets sick. Forgot to say her favorite thing to say is it my fault because of my big mouth. Now my father is saying it. I don't fight until it gets bad. What do I do?
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 1 year ago.

Hello, I'd like to help you with your question.

It sounds like your mother is emotionally abusive. And when someone is abusive, they tend to see everything as someone else's fault. In this case, your mother has directed her abuse at you. Why she does this is not clear. Possibly because you are like your father in personality and she has issues with him and transfers them onto you. Regardless of the reasons, however, you do not deserve being treated this way by your mother, particularly with the stress you are under with your surgery and disability.

When dealing with someone abusive, it is often very hard to reason with them. They do not feel they are at fault. So trying to talk to them or get them to understand they are hurting you is difficult, if not impossible. So the only control you do have is how you react to the abuse. One way is to restrict your mother's access to you. You have tried that by blocking her number which is a good step to take. Also, consider not letting her in your home. If she insists or asks why, let her know that you do not accept being treated poorly by others and you are more than happy to welcome her back when she can treat you with respect.

If you do have to deal with your mother, one of the best ways to respond to her abuse is with "I'm sorry you feel that way". That does not stop the comments from hurting you, but it does give her very little to respond to if that is all you say. People who are abusive like when you get upset because they know they are getting to you. By staying neutral in your response, you prevent your mother from getting what she wants.

You might also consider taking someone with you when you deal with your mother. With a stranger or even a friend there, she is less likely to try to hurt you. People who abuse do not like witnesses (which is probably why she waits until your father leaves) so that will stop her from commenting. Also, consider talking with your father about your mother's behavior. There may be reasons why she is acting this way and your father can help you figure out ways to deal with her.

You may also want to see a therapist about the stress you are under. You mentioned symptoms that sound like PTSD from your accident. Also, you do not have good support with your mother and maybe your brother. Talking to a therapist can give you a way to vent your feelings and work out ways to cope. Talk to your doctor about a referral or search on line at http://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/.

Here are some other links that may help you:

http://www.nmha.org/go/information/get-info/personality-disorders

http://www.ehow.com/how_2342990_deal-emotionally-abusive-parents.html

I hope this has helped you,
Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5469
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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