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Norman M.
Norman M., Principal psychotherapist in private practice. Newspaper contributor, over 2000 satisfied clients on JA
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 2546
Experience:  ADHP(NC), DEHP(NC), ECP, UKCP Registered.
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hi. we have been together for 15yrs & have 5 kids. i am 42

Customer Question

hi. we have been together for 15yrs & have 5 kids. i am 42 he is 55. for quite sometime now he has 'checked out' whenever i have needed him emotionally. i took to writng a letter last year when i was suffering post natal dep. he took 3 mths to read it & only read it becasue he wanted to resume our sex life & i said no.i want another child. he is fully aware of it. 2 nights ago we had unprotected sex which NEVER happens as he awlways makes sure he is 'covered' then immediately after said he didnt want anymore. i am very hurt by his conflicting messages. i told him the next day he hurt me & he ignored me. i need to tell him how i feel about all sorts of things but i know he is going to 'check out'.how do i do it? how do i get what i need emotionally from him?also how do i 'get over'no more children & how do i seperate emotionally making love/sex from the emotional connection of having a baby?thankyou
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 2 years ago.
Seeking expert counseling is a sign of strength. A personal relationship with a caring professional is proven clinically effective.

Dear friend,

I am sorry for the emotional pain that you suffer at the hands of your husband. It seems that he may be a narcissist because he puts his own needs above yours, has no empathy for your pain and suffering, and tries to control you by ignoring you, which he knows if very hurtful or destructive. This is passive aggressions. He does not acknowledge your needs or even your presence as a weapon against you.

If you want more children with this partner then you will have to demand or surreptitiously arrange that he has no protection when you have sex, and only have it with him at the most fertile part of your cycle.

Your husband may be depressed as well, and this may add to his lack of enthusiasm. It sounds as if he wants to do whatever he wants, whenever, and if that is the case you will have to bear with him or leave him; You will hot change him.

I know that after 15 years and 5 children , you will find it hard to leave him. However it is something that you should consider. You are a young woman and he is considerably older than you. You deserve to have a partner who find you precious, desirable, and wants to bond with you by having children. You should share life with a partner, and not be treated so miserably. You can find a man who will nurture and love you as you deserve,

He will not change and your options are limited.

I wish I could tell you that I thought that this relationship could be fixed, but I do not believe that it can. You will either have to continue to live this way, or end this chapter of your life and find a more suitable partner.

I wish you great success and will keep you in my prayers.


Warm regards,

Elliott Sewell, LPCC, NCC, CCMHC
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

do you really think tricking him to get me pregnant is a good way to deal with this situation? i know we have problems but i honestly do not think this would help me at all! i think it would lead to even more resentment, him of me & another child he doesnt want.


i am sorry but i didnt really find your response very helpful. the first paragraph is about all i agree with on

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Relist: Answer quality.
he didnt answer my questions & gave in my opinion bad advice
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Relist: Answer quality.
Expert:  Norman M. replied 2 years ago.

I think that there are two issues here which need to be addressed, and before I go on to do so, I have to say that I totally and completely disagree with the advice that you should trick your husband into having more children. I cannot put it more strongly than that.

I'm sorry to hear what you have been going through. From what you say, it is crystal clear that he does not love you – because actions speak louder than words. He puts you down, hurts you and demeans you. Are his actions those of a loving partner?

This is so, so wrong. You need to stand up to this man, seriously so. It is critically important that you understand this concept.

We humans only indulge in behaviour that brings reward of some kind. Only when that reward (whatever it might be) disappears, or the consequences of our behaviour promise to be unpleasant do we consider changing what we do. Like a child, your husband is going to have to learn to accept boundaries, and you have to give him reason to change.

He needs to know that if he does not change his ways, there will be consequences.

He needs to know that unless he starts to treat you reasonably, and to take your feelings into account, his life is going to change. No more laundry, no more shopping, no more cooking, and no more sex, for example.

The important point is that this is NOT blackmail – it is giving him a chance to change and grow emotionally, to the benefit of both of you. He needs incentive to change his ways, or he will not – why should he, he gets his own way right now. If you want your life to continue like this, do what you are doing. I not, have the strength and maturity to give him some tough love and allow him to grow.

Up until now, he has just been exploitative and abusive, and he has done that, and kept doing it, simply because he has been allowed to.

There is an old saying that "If you always do what you always did, you'll always get what you always got", so if he will not change, your future with him is going to be just like your past.

For that reason, and to help you see your situation with greater clarity and strength, I’m going to suggest that you would benefit greatly from a course of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. It is a form of therapy that addresses problems in a direct and targeted way and is brief compared with most other therapies.

You need to be able to see your situation more objectively and rationally, so that you can make good, balanced decisions about your future, specially about the issue of more children. Just being able to discuss the problem with someone outside the situation will help you immensely

CBT is based on the fact that what we think in any given situation generates beliefs about, and reactions to that situation, and also causes the behaviour and feelings which flow from those beliefs and reactions.

These ‘automatic thoughts’ are so fast that generally, we are unaware that we have even had them. We call them ANTS (automatic negative thoughts) for short.

If the pattern of thinking we use, or our beliefs about our situation are even slightly distorted, the resulting emotions and actions that flow from them can be extremely negative and unhelpful. The object of CBT is to identify these ‘automatic thoughts’ then to re-adjust our thoughts and beliefs so that they are entirely realistic and correspond to the realities of our lives, and that therefore, the resulting emotions, feelings and actions we have will be more useful and helpful.

Cognitive therapists do not usually interpret or seek for unconscious motivations but bring cognitions and beliefs into the current focus of attention and through guided discovery encourage clients to gently re-evaluate their thinking.

Therapy is not seen as something “done to” the client. CBT is not about trying to prove a client wrong and the therapist right, or getting into unhelpful debates. Through collaboration, questioning and re-evaluating their views, clients come to see for themselves that there are alternatives and that they can change.

Clients try things out in between therapy sessions, putting what has been learned into practice, learning how therapy translates into real life improvement.

Please visit this website for much more detailed information on CBT:

http://www.rcpsych.ac.uk/mentalhealthinfoforall/treatments/cbt.aspx

If you cannot afford to see a therapist, there are good free CBT based self-help resources here:

http://www.getselfhelp.co.uk/cbtstep1.htm

Best wishes,

NormanM

Norman M., Principal psychotherapist in private practice. Newspaper contributor, over 2000 satisfied clients on JA
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 2546
Experience: ADHP(NC), DEHP(NC), ECP, UKCP Registered.
Norman M. and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

thankyou norman. a much better response than that of the therapist before.i was more than shocked at his advice.


 


i will look into the cbt.


 


i agree with what you say that i have ALLOWED my husband to behave this way becasue i have let things go & in part given up trying to get my needs met in the relationship. he is a good person & i love him dearly, it is just this side of him i hate & find it hard not to resent him for it. the baby issue is a seperate issue on its own i think, its more about the way he disregards XXXXX XXXXX on the topic, not trying to talk him into have another one, but more to understand & validate that my feeleings are real to me even if he doesnt share them. i have no other family, parents have passed & my brother & i arent close, so he & my kids are all i have. after the kids there is only he & i & i am already seeing a very lonely future for both of us instead of the 2 of us together. he spends ALOT of time on his own in his garage. he collects cars which is another story. while i am happy he has interests & support him in them, i find it all very selfish that he has his dreams, goals & needs met but he doesnt seem to notice im not getting mine.


 


with that said, the consuming feelings of wanting another baby are mine & i have to own them & somehow find a way to live with that i wont have anymore. i doubt i will get over it, i am a very maternal & nurturing person. i am also a person who wears their heart on their sleeve & rightly or wrongly 'feel' too much & over think things too much. so in order to have a 'normal' relationship, how do i have sex/make love without entwining the thoughts of making a baby? how do i have sex for just what it is? at the moment for me it just all seems a pointless excercise for no reward or benefit or fullfillment of my dreams.


 


i know men & women think differently with regards XXXXX XXXXX of things. he,like most blokes, wants sex pretty much for the physical release so it can just be 'sex' to him & but i do it with my heart. i cant just do it without 'feeling' anything.

Expert:  Norman M. replied 2 years ago.
You are right abouyt the differing gender approaches to sex, and I am sure that CBT will really help you. Is there anythin g else I can do for you? Thanks for accepting my answer.

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