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do you really think tricking him to get me pregnant is a good way to deal with this situation? i know we have problems but i honestly do not think this would help me at all! i think it would lead to even more resentment, him of me & another child he doesnt want.
i am sorry but i didnt really find your response very helpful. the first paragraph is about all i agree with on
I think that there are two issues here which need to be addressed, and before I go on to do so, I have to say that I totally and completely disagree with the advice that you should trick your husband into having more children. I cannot put it more strongly than that.
I'm sorry to hear what you have been going through. From what you say, it is crystal clear that he does not love you – because actions speak louder than words. He puts you down, hurts you and demeans you. Are his actions those of a loving partner?
This is so, so wrong. You need to stand up to this man, seriously so. It is critically important that you understand this concept.
We humans only indulge in behaviour that brings reward of some kind. Only when that reward (whatever it might be) disappears, or the consequences of our behaviour promise to be unpleasant do we consider changing what we do. Like a child, your husband is going to have to learn to accept boundaries, and you have to give him reason to change.
He needs to know that if he does not change his ways, there will be consequences.
He needs to know that unless he starts to treat you reasonably, and to take your feelings into account, his life is going to change. No more laundry, no more shopping, no more cooking, and no more sex, for example.
The important point is that this is NOT blackmail – it is giving him a chance to change and grow emotionally, to the benefit of both of you. He needs incentive to change his ways, or he will not – why should he, he gets his own way right now. If you want your life to continue like this, do what you are doing. I not, have the strength and maturity to give him some tough love and allow him to grow.
Up until now, he has just been exploitative and abusive, and he has done that, and kept doing it, simply because he has been allowed to.
There is an old saying that "If you always do what you always did, you'll always get what you always got", so if he will not change, your future with him is going to be just like your past.
For that reason, and to help you see your situation with greater clarity and strength, I’m going to suggest that you would benefit greatly from a course of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. It is a form of therapy that addresses problems in a direct and targeted way and is brief compared with most other therapies.
You need to be able to see your situation more objectively and rationally, so that you can make good, balanced decisions about your future, specially about the issue of more children. Just being able to discuss the problem with someone outside the situation will help you immensely
CBT is based on the fact that what we think in any given situation generates beliefs about, and reactions to that situation, and also causes the behaviour and feelings which flow from those beliefs and reactions.
These ‘automatic thoughts’ are so fast that generally, we are unaware that we have even had them. We call them ANTS (automatic negative thoughts) for short.
If the pattern of thinking we use, or our beliefs about our situation are even slightly distorted, the resulting emotions and actions that flow from them can be extremely negative and unhelpful. The object of CBT is to identify these ‘automatic thoughts’ then to re-adjust our thoughts and beliefs so that they are entirely realistic and correspond to the realities of our lives, and that therefore, the resulting emotions, feelings and actions we have will be more useful and helpful.
Cognitive therapists do not usually interpret or seek for unconscious motivations but bring cognitions and beliefs into the current focus of attention and through guided discovery encourage clients to gently re-evaluate their thinking.
Therapy is not seen as something “done to” the client. CBT is not about trying to prove a client wrong and the therapist right, or getting into unhelpful debates. Through collaboration, questioning and re-evaluating their views, clients come to see for themselves that there are alternatives and that they can change.
Clients try things out in between therapy sessions, putting what has been learned into practice, learning how therapy translates into real life improvement.
Please visit this website for much more detailed information on CBT:
If you cannot afford to see a therapist, there are good free CBT based self-help resources here:
thankyou norman. a much better response than that of the therapist before.i was more than shocked at his advice.
i will look into the cbt.
i agree with what you say that i have ALLOWED my husband to behave this way becasue i have let things go & in part given up trying to get my needs met in the relationship. he is a good person & i love him dearly, it is just this side of him i hate & find it hard not to resent him for it. the baby issue is a seperate issue on its own i think, its more about the way he disregards XXXXX XXXXX on the topic, not trying to talk him into have another one, but more to understand & validate that my feeleings are real to me even if he doesnt share them. i have no other family, parents have passed & my brother & i arent close, so he & my kids are all i have. after the kids there is only he & i & i am already seeing a very lonely future for both of us instead of the 2 of us together. he spends ALOT of time on his own in his garage. he collects cars which is another story. while i am happy he has interests & support him in them, i find it all very selfish that he has his dreams, goals & needs met but he doesnt seem to notice im not getting mine.
with that said, the consuming feelings of wanting another baby are mine & i have to own them & somehow find a way to live with that i wont have anymore. i doubt i will get over it, i am a very maternal & nurturing person. i am also a person who wears their heart on their sleeve & rightly or wrongly 'feel' too much & over think things too much. so in order to have a 'normal' relationship, how do i have sex/make love without entwining the thoughts of making a baby? how do i have sex for just what it is? at the moment for me it just all seems a pointless excercise for no reward or benefit or fullfillment of my dreams.
i know men & women think differently with regards XXXXX XXXXX of things. he,like most blokes, wants sex pretty much for the physical release so it can just be 'sex' to him & but i do it with my heart. i cant just do it without 'feeling' anything.