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I don't know which was funnier...Kate's turning the table on Rob or you using a Star Wars reference to describe her attitude. You have to admit, she is funny....Must get that from you.
Wow, the union thing is horrible. They sound like a couple of thugs. Who knows what would happen to the union/ union dues with them in charge. Prefilled out ballots? Signing your name on the back, yet calling this anonymous? That is crazy. Your father is right. That is akin to criminal activity. And, it is inappropriate. BotXXXXX XXXXXne though: If you want to make this place a career, then sure, fight it. But if you do not, and I think I can be pretty confident that you do not want that, keep quiet and let this go. (Unless there is a reporting mechanism that would be truly anonymous...but even then I am not sure that would go well.) This sounds like something out of the godfather. I don't want to see LIz sleeping with the fishes, so in this case discretion is probably best.
I was really hoping he would crawl across the ER! But I guess the verbal admission is not a bad thing either. And, he should get himself on the ball more. What is it when he lets some other doctor take his favorite nurses patients? He needs to fight, fight, fight. Let's get him straight on that!
Pizza and a hooker huh? Well, I am not sure how fluent that would make one in Italian, but if that is the limit of his ability, he is ahead of a lot of people I know. lol
hey steve. well the vote is back n the er prez won. but not the vp. thats not goo b/c they may clash... and i find it odd b/c generally you vote for the pair running together.
kate. well i think the force s strong in that one. i think well she may have some men wrapped around her choosing of men...
see? she doesnt need to learn to read... lol.
i really got my ass kicked last night. i feel like my whole body hurts. like i was hit by a truck.
it was about 4 hrs into the shift and i ws to be teaming with wendy which i was kind of looking forward to.
she apparently had a pt walk out with an iv line walk out. so we have to call the cops. anyway the cops show up and ask for wendy. so im like ok ill get her as wendy walks into the station. so i say jokingly uh oh wendy they found you. the cops laugh n wendy says in an irritated voice - not now liz i dont have time for it. i say nothing but feel embarassed. i say nothing to her for hrs. b/c steve im tired of taking shit from everyone. im not stupid and i feel like being like oh yeah? n just ripping everyone an asshole.
we didnt talk for hours. then at like 5am.. i come into the medroom n shes there and she says oh liz sorry for barking at you. i kind of said yeah whatever.. and nothing more. i didnt wait for her o leave didnt ask if she was ok if she i went and talked with colleen
i dont know if im being a big baby or not... but well i dont know what to do. i feel like avoiding wendy thats for sure.
i did hve dr b speak italian - and hes not bad. def smooth.
i dont know if it was just it was so busy.. or what.. but i just had one nasty exchange with someone after another.
this dr was lookig for a pt who was just there.
im on the phone taking a critical value n this dr is dancing around me while im doing the critical value. i said doc i dont know she was just there. well youre her nurse. youe supposed to care about her. another nurse helping said let me see maybe shes at xray. she called n she was there.
i dont know but i just kep[t having people just rubbing me the wrong way
The union vote result is odd. That is almost like splitting a presidential ticket. It just does not happen. You are right about the possibility of a personality clash as a result. At least the pre-filled out ballots did not cause the psychopath pair to win.
Kate, if she has your humor and view of males she is going to be a force to be reckoned with, but if you keep using star wars references with her you may end up having a nerd magnet activate. Then again, there is nothing wrong with nerds.
That was certainly not a nice way for Wendy to treat you. You didn't mean anything by what you said. You were just trying to be light and funny. I guess the stress of what she was going through caused her to react like this. Still, that type of reaction is a choice and just because a person is under stress does not mean that they have to act so snappy. She did recognize it, and that is a good thing, but I can understand keeping your distance from her for a little while. That kind of reaction hurts.
Most of the time in a situation like this I just use a 24 hour rule. I encourage people to let 24 hours pass and then re approach the person who snapped at you. Usually the whole thing loses its energy by then and things go back to normal. If they do not or the person is still harsh then it is time to rethink the relationship...but here, I think this will just pass. She sounds like she was having a bad time of it. Not an excuse by any means, but this does not seem like her typical behavior.
I swear there are days where there are just nasty people everywhere. Is it a full moon or something? I think it is only a sliver of a moon.That doe snot bode well for later in the month. I too noticed people were harsh these last few days. Go figure. I am not sure what this is all about, but people sure seem crabby. I agree.
Dr b is a smooth talking Italian? Wow. Don't let him charm you, those Italian guys can really turn on the ladies...and he is a doctor. Why is he single again? Steven
i lucked out last nite and worked with terri.
the nurse who was supposed to didnt show. so i thought i was having to double team by myself but then they pulled terri and she said i told them i wanted to work wth you. i said aww i brought you a present. i brought her those special k chips she likes...
we had a decent nite it slowed down significantly although i had a problem pt who was coming off 100mg of oxy every 4 hrs (how dont these people die?) anyway he shoots up too as you could see all the arks plus a whole bunch of other script drugs.. he bit the dayshift nurse who told me hes a f**king animal.. i felt a little on edge dealing with him..
he was screaming and i spoke with the dr and i was like look im almost 8 months preg and f**k this. so he said if he doesnt respond to more ativan im coming down there. well put him on a drip and then intubate the asshole. i said sounfds good to me. he ended up responding to all the ativan i gave. luckily.
we had a code come in that was 32 yrs old and she also was a drug addict. unfortunately her parents were there - the whole family was - and she had a downs syndrome brother whom they had to try to explain her death to. i did nt feel as bad about her death as i did when her mom was in the room calling for her to come back.. when dr b finally called it, the mother screamed no.. and started punching dr b in the chest. like a small child throwing a temper tantrum would. security came and he actually just shook them off and let her hit him and he told her over and over again if he could do more he would theres nothing we could do. he spoke very quietly and i was trying to get her off him into a chair. the brother - the downs - was more upset his mom was and the other brother said the sister went to heaven i saw his face finally seem to partly understand like a small child would and he said but then im never going to see her again. and they said no. and he cried - his face crumpling and i wish id be able to tell the pt what a bitch she was and how she didnt deserve this family. they didnt seem to deserve her.
i checked on dr b who said nothing of the incident and he said he wasnt hurt and i said are you sure? he said yes im fine.
we think she had been down for too long she was ice cold and mottled.
wendy didnt speak to me at all and i didnt speak to her. frankly im tired of being forgiving. i know thats not the high road, but im just sick of everyone elses stress and how im stressed and have to take it.
anyway i saw the ob today and i was lying kind of half asleep on the table. he asked me how i am, and then said did you gt your flu shot? i said no, im going to employee health next week. he then said well i could give it to you. i laughed and said youre giving them?
he said yes.. i said ok. then do it. so he kind of back pedaled. no no theyll want the reecords at employee health. i said oh i can say i was privately vaccinated.. so he says no just do it then. so i say whats the matter then? you dont want to give it to me and for me to say it hurt and you sucked at it? so he said yes actually. i laughed and said you wimp.
he gave me a mini lecture about the importance of flu vaccine while being preg and how preg women die of the flu and i sai di know dr, im for vaccines.. he said if youre no tpreg you dont have to. he says i dont take it... i laughed and said go get one and ill give it to you and he says oh well i dont take the flu shot. i laughed and said that swhy i said go get one.
anyway i told him look i need to schedule my delivery. i had a hard time last time and im not going thru this shit again. i reminded him of soem of my details and the whole natural part.. and he said well talk to anesthesia that day. i said look can we schedule an induction or soemthing? that way you deliver this kid? i told hi you owe me that much. he said lets see what the next scan with the hi risk ob says...
then we can start deciding. he told me dont worry this one will be easier. i said as we were walking from the room.. are you trying to say im all stretched out and loose? he laughed and said yes. thats what im saying. i said you know .. i could punch you... and i said btw if i didnt want the flu shot i wouldnt give in and id tell u. and he said i know liz.
then he says 2 weeks. and im like no 4. so he says no 2 weeks - i said no its too soon to do 2 weeks. (i had realized prior to coming today as im hurtling towards the end im off schedule due to the extra appts for bleeding.. he said b/c i like you... and i was like look ill see you in a month... and he said no 2 weeks...
You certainly seem to get all the interesting cases. I often wonder if the hospital should place you in a less harmful situation, but then I guess all those who are not pregnant could say that you were receiving favoritism. Still, working around people who are drug addicts and biting and hitting. Who knows what could happen. I am just glad that this first guy was able to settle down on the benzo. And he won't recall any of it which is the worst of it. You can't even tell him that he was a major jerk. He won't recall. Bummer. (Of course this assumes that he might show an ounce of human care and compassion, which is a huge leap on my part. Odds are he would not care at all.)
I am not sure how you compartmentalize all of the stuff that happens to you at work. The death of anyone is hard enough, let alone the drama and actions that took place here in this family. The description is even hard to read, with the Down's brother's reaction, and the mother pounding on Dr b's chest. It is all too much. Similar things cause post secondary trauma in others. This has to impact you in an emotional way. True, you do distance yourself, but still, this is painful to see. The families reaction is one of deep grief. For certain, deserving or not, they loved her. We should all be so fortunate.
I do not want you to forgive Wendy for her sake, but for yours. The emotional results of not letting this type of hurt go can be long lasting and can eat at you, even causing mild functional depression. I know you are tired of being the good one, letting things go, but it is more for you than for her.
You really like to give doctor's a hard time don't you? I think you find it great fun to torture them and make them feel ridiculous. Look at what you put these guy through about the flu shot. I wonder if he lectured anyone else that day who was a nurse. I bet he didn't.
But the appointment schedule he sounds pretty adamant about. And thoughts about induction or not he seems to have his own thoughts about what you should do...and the easier time of it discussion, that is a gem with all the innuendo. I get the feeling that he is not going to do exactly what you want... He seems the say what you want but I know best type. A lot of OB/GYNs are like that. Do you really think he will induce you? His comments suggest a major wait and see attitude. Steven
THE guy who bit the nurse... asshole.
the woman who died. asshole.
the downs syndrome brother.. really really sad. he got very upset mom was and kept asking what happened. the other brother told him the sister died. he didnt seem to understand. so the father told him she went to heaven. so then he asked so i can see her there? and hearing him so innocently ask, like oh shes in phoenix, when can we go...
an the father said no.. while the mothers hitting dr b.
i felt bad for dr b. i understood why he let her, i guess to let her work thru it.. she wasnt like assaulting him intentionally.
it wasnt even like some of those crazy over reactions, it was the desperate no reaction...
she was in the room and that gets controversial with people opinions... i feel like the pts mother had every right as she brought her into the world. at least she there with her again. i hate that the mother has that memory now.. but they asked and she chose to come in.
that poor brother. and poor dr b. he took it well. he didnt shut them out or ignore them. some drs tell the news and run as they have to. i had to look away as i tear up more over things preg and both scenes were enough for me.
the pt to me really didnt deserve the love they had for her as you could see she was a dirt bag i hate say.
the ob... yeah i had the thought maybe hes just putting me off except of course im going to keep insisting q 2 weeks now instead of in a months time...
a month is technically too long at 30 weeks now. my appt shudve been at 32 weeks and then start 2 week intervals. i though ooh im going to get away with one month then go 2 weeks he wont notice. and he remembered to send my urine without me telling him- i didnt want him to b/c im afraid it still infected after abx and i dont want to keep being treated for asymptomatic uti.
he said he did lecture a diff er nurse who was refusing the flu shot and i he scared her with dying and being ona vent etc. i only vaccinate me and rob when im preg and when we have an infant otherwise we skip it. or its a life threatening flu.
i find it hilarious as he back pedaled that he didnt want to give one to a nurse. i mean come on. and then he chickened out he didnt want it when i said id give it to him.. i used to give a ton of med personnel at my old job b/c ive have been told by many that my shots dont hurt. including my old attending dr - the head of icu.. and he told other drs who would come with the shots... i need this...
i would be doing all day in between my reg pts like in the hallways outside a pts room id be giving immunizations to other staff who are like can u do me quick?
anyway, he said after i see the hi risk he can decide what were doing. and i will keep him on that promise.
the guy on the benzos he had a freaking heparin drip ordered. well he refused it and then hematology said he couldnt have it b/c he was too hi risk of a bleed intracranially. so dont give it. the day shift nurse told me that verbally. later when i was sending him to the floor i saw the paper there and i asked th dr on overnites n told him what the day shift rn told me. he said ok.. blah blah. so i took the paper out b/c heres no way to d/c the order. if the papers there then its there.. i tossed the paper cuz know that the floor nurse wud make a big deal and be like its not d/cd then. anway in the am i saw the nurse who had a bite taken out of her and she reconfirmed what we had said on report and she said she had documented it and i did after in the middle of the night rechecking with the nite time dr. i slipped and said i tossed the paper. she didnt seem surprised or say oh you shudnt have done that.. so i told colleen who was like f**k that dont worry about it. but that i shudnt have told the bitten nurse. well do u know peter called me and woke me up just at 430pm and asked about the pt.. i felt like my heart was going to stop - but he asked where his belongings were. he found them as he was calling me and said ok i found them.. and we got off the phone.
i mean i know the orders d/cd, but i dont know maybe i shudnt have thrown out the paper.. but if its there then its ordered.. i dotn know.. i so paranoid anymore steven.
oh and i forgot a highlight of the night..
dr a was talking to terri who does feng shui.. so anyway he was asking about making his house flow...
im not into feng shui btw. more bs thats out there clouding up real problems out there (like early parole and drug abuse..) anyway so shes telling him about chi and woo woo sticks or something and he says that he likes to shop.
and like when i he wants to do soemthing form the house he shops but he feels its too cluttered. and he likes all kinds of shopping...
i looked up and couldngt contain my what?
he said yeah all kinds of shopping...
i held back then b/c i was close to saying soemthing that could get me in trouble... like...u sure ur not a chick...?
i was absolutely shocked..
dr b was telling me about how he quit being a city medic 1 month after 9/11. he said he had seen enough.. .
he was telling me about med school rotations and ho w he delivered more babies as a medic... 27 as a medic and 14 as resident... and i said thats not that many.. and he said when he was a medic on long island he didnt deliver that many as he was in more affluent areas and i said are you trying to say affluent pussy get s to a hospital ?
so he says yeah basically. lol.
we still havent heard from the new job. rob said last week they told him they couldnt get in touch with his old supervisor at the original job, turns out the guy went to england for a month.. (his co main office was in england..)
im kind of worried this whole thing isnt happening honestly...
oh new demand from my mil. she wnts to know the new baby s nme b/c she wants to get a book that is personalized with kates name and the new baby explaining about a new baby and her being abig sister. so rob obviously knows the name, but we hadnt decided a middle and i feel like theres always a chance youll see the baby and say i think hes a...
i dont want a book or public opinion or everyone getting used to a name when we didnt even have the baby yet. and i feel its kind of bad luck type thing.. i dont really like anyone calling their fetus ... cooper or whatever stupid trendy name they have for this baby. and its not even born yet. i think its in poor taste...
maybe thats me.
so rob says i didnt tell them.. what shud i tell them? ( i give rob credit. he could be a pow and you wouldnt be able to beat it out of him..)
i just find it so annoying that i feel like its always one demand after another.. like next itll be when the christening blah blah.. i feel like she always has me other the gun...
ConEd. This happens all the time. A hiring agent can't reach a reference. They have to for hiring protocol, and they will get the person, eventually. And if they cannot they typically will have Rob give another one. This process stuff is terribly slow and tedious. I have no doubt that Rob will get the job, it is just dealing with the incredible complex process behind it.
The guy who bites people and the paper that was pitched and the nurse he bit:
(Sounds like a warped Dr Seuss book doesn't it. Hmmm, I may write it.)
Anyway, yes...you do worry about a great many things. This is not worth worrying about and Peter calling you to find out where a patient's belongings are is a bit odd, and I know your heart must have jumped out of your throat...but look: The trauma you went through in your last job is naturally going to make you feel on edge, that anything could happen. Yet, this situation here is not like that one. Even if you did throw out the paper, so what? In terms of a disciplinary action that is a long reach to say anything about that, and okay, you did tell the nurse who was bitten. You were honest, and that looks good. I, again, do not see a legitimate work worry here. This will blow over and be done.
Feng Shui huh? A lady here at work tells me my office is all wrong. Well, good. I hope the negative energies blow out dark matter or something. Dr a is into this stuff? I guess I should not be surprised as he is a lost soul and is looking to find himself. I wouldn't doubt that he might end up doing odd stuff like joining a new age group, cult or something...and do not think I am kidding. He has the personality.
And, he like to shop and arrange furniture and the like? Well, okay to that I guess. But I agree. That seems very odd doesn't it? I mean he does sound like, well, a woman. If he says he paints his nails and gets facials I think we have something different here, but wow,; didn't expect the "I like to shop" thing out of him.
Dr b is right. The more money you have the more likely you are to get your baby delivered at a hospital. I know that is true. And the medics deliver the poor women's babies in the field far more often. I didn't know dr b was a medic. That is very interesting. I wonder if his different background, as a medic, helps keep him grounded and in touch with emotions and feelings and reality. He seems much more normal than most doctors. (at least he doesn't love shopping)
If I have a choice between a nurse giving an injection and a doctor I will pick the nurse every time. They just are far better at it in my opinion. I can see you being the flu shot nurse. Gave lots of injections as a result didn't you?
The OB should have let you give him a flu shot. He would have seen you are good at what you do. Maybe he would be more open with your requests about delivery and induction. But, I get the feeling as I said that he is into his own agenda. You will have to really get behind him to break him to what you want I think. But breaking down a doctor's will and drive. You can do that, right? lol It could be fun.
I think it is a little soon to be handing out names for the baby. You and Rob can know of course, but mil? If she is that desperate to get a gift that is personalized she can wait to see the baby face to face. This is, in my professional opinion, pushing it a lot. Plus Kate will be overwhelmed in the first weeks anyway. Better that this gift, emotionally, is given to Kate after the baby is here for a few weeks; (even a month out is not out of the question). I would just politely deny that request. You can call it bad ju ju or whatever, but I think you are right in this. Hold off telling anyone the babies name until the birth. That seems best to me. Anything else seems pretentious.
Mil does have her list of demands. She is classic in that way. The pressure never abates with her. She is like a starfish, constant pressure opens even a tough clam that would not open any other way. The unrelenting force eventually crack the clam open. MIL: A starfish personality indeed. All you can do here is to be passive aggressive and give reasons not to do what is desired, always not your fault of course...like change the date of the christening a few times or for real fun, the baby's name. The baby's name is: Andrew, er no...Greg, wait; Jeff, no Steve, no Tim.
No the woman who died was not worthy of such a family, but then again, are any of us worthy to be loved. Maybe argumentatively. But she is gone now, and the pain of her choices and now death leaves a legacy for the family. Agreed, poor dr b and the Down's brother and even mom...and even you for having to see this whole mess. Steven
when will i be like more comfortable at work? i try. i try to pretend. i try not to think about it. colleen tells me when she walks out its done over. i told her look at me.. sharon...marianna. its not over. that one day. a moment in time. its back to you. and its being scrutinized. youre being questioned. not only your actions but integrity, your ethics.
and on top of that u could lose your license or be limited in your career due to discipline. its all not a joke.
i guess if you havent been thru it..well i guess colleen cant understand..
dr a. ick. he likes to shop?
and everyone is all up terris butt about this feng shui stuff. she thinks it b/c i am not the biggest believer in god, but i actually believe in god more than the tutti frutti...
or woo woo sticks.
i dont know, shes nice enuff, i m kind of surprised shes into it really i didnt expect it..
dr b was a long island medic for 10 yrs and then 5 yrs in the city, he had been interviewing for med school and 9/11 happened n he quit and went to med school. thats why hes 38 or what not coming out of school. he shudve been more like dr a s age, mine. he went to college to be speech pathologist or something.
im not telling this bitch the babys name. i dont see why we have to.
its really rude and overstepping her bounds.
the ob. i will be a star fish on him. everytime.
and im going to tell him im not pushing for 4 and half hrs again. so forget it.
peter called me b/c i forgot to send the pts clothes to the floor.
and as far as that woman not deserving her family. well its true. im sure they were thru alot o crap with them. the mother had her share of problems between the downs son, the drug addict and then she had a very overweight son.
and yes steve you deserve to be loved by your family. why wouldnt you be?
andi cant imagine youre not.
i actually had the thought my family woundnt have been as upset as hers if it was me honestly. but it doesnt matter how upset they are i guess. whats the diff by then youre dead anyway.
It is hard to say when you might start to feel more at ease and comfortable at work. A part of the worry and anxiety that you feel is related to the events that you went through at your last job. These types of trauma fueled feelings tend to pass in about a year and a half. But some of what you feel is also related to the trauma of what you went through as a child in your family. They helped cement worry and anxiety and fear into you. It became habit and routine to worry. At this point, you naturally look for fears and worry, and it makes letting go of things in the past, difficult.
These patterns both can be worked on by consciously catching these tendencies in your day to day life and knowing that you are giving them energy and power beyond what is okay. For the more you catch yourself giving power to these thought the weaker they will become. Also, you may be able to do something more here on your own. For example, the book, Learn to Relax : A Practical Guide to Easing Tension and Conquering Stress by Mike George would help break the emotional body connection that you are experiencing. (amazon)
But I have often felt that you have some traits of PTSD for a long time now, and although some of these symptoms will ease with time, there is a conscious need to make an effort to catch these worrisome thoughts and to put them into a better perspective. Much of what you worry about, a good 99%+ never come true, but in that waiting interval you often suffer a great deal thinking about these events and what could happen.
Energy based religions and views have been around for a very long time. That doesn't mean they are real. People like it because it is mysterious and strange and its doesn't require personal change, just environmental ones...and diet and so on. Simple stuff; not like; hey dr a...your personality is a mess. You're mean. Ever think about working on that buddy? Changing it?? (much tougher)
MIL does not need to know the name, or really much of anything else. I think strong boundaries with her is an excellent choice. Star fish the OB...Great idea. I really do feel that is what it will take for him to cave in. I just have this feeling from your description that he is a listen and do what he wants instead kind of person and that you have to work out the contingencies with him in detail to get what you desire.
I am not sure if any of us deserve anything as far as family. We all screw up, a lot...most much more than we ever know, including me of course. But I do think you are far more important to others than you give credit for. You do not see it because of all the messages you received as a child, but you are highly influential in terms of your family, Rob, Kate and even in the extended one. I do not know if you can feel that because of what you went through, but I can see you have a stronger role than you think. Steven
im almost at the 18 month mark. since the thing at work.
I think if i did a diff career itd do me a world of good for my sanity.
prob is.. what?
im not good at many things. and i dont think i want to do like... work at mc donalds.
yeah i dont know about god or energy or chi or whatever. its hard for me to take. i feel like maybe what goes around comes around, but even thts let me down to an extent.
i mean i know you dont always see people getting it back of course..
i did find out that the union rep looks very sick - shes been sick for a long time - and my mole tells me she came over and looked ill. like very ill.
i said yeah well if she was so ill she wouldnt be in the hosp busting the nurses chops. she almost is never around except to yell at us.
(no one else sees a conflict of interest of being head shop steward and a big shit on the board of nsg..? so if you confess to her what you did for her to represent you... cn that be held against you for charges at board of nsg? i dont know how no one else sees that. oh well whats the diff. )
as far as ho wmuch we screw up.
ok were not perfect. im sure youve said something or done something.. possibly accidentily. not intentionally. myself too of course..
but i cant imagine ive hurt my family to the extent a drug addict has. i mean i went to college, went to nsg school, moved out before nsg school was done, got a job, engaged, married (huge wedding we paid for and in the catholic church..) , bought a house, had a baby and got a minivan.
and now having the next kid and a playset in the yard and in all in that order.
i dont find that dissapointing. esp to parents.
if kate does those things. id be plenty happy. and her being happy the most important part.
anyway... i cant imagine anyone being that upset.
my kate is daddys girl and i knwo that may chnage or whatnot.. yest she was playing with disney princesses and the princes. and this is cinderellas prince etc.. (btw i like that they dont have names.. the princes.) well kate was wearing her minnie mouse costume and prancing around and rob came home and she said there he is my prince. shes never said that before but i said to rob dont you want to buy her a car now?
he laughed as she was squeezing him tight and then she was pirouetting around and using robs finger to dance.
i know if she says that to my dad my dad will tear up.
and my role in thsi family as whole.. i dont know. i dotn see my mother or mil as matraich as they dotn seem to have much leading them. my mother with her immaturity or selfishness or whatever and my mil i cant figure out where shes coming from most of the time other than the whole martyr thing.. crosses to bear and such. like ehr son who has nothing wrong with him but is her cross to bear. why is he a cross? b/c she never forced him to do anything so hes a loser. with a college degree no less. so you tell me.
my brother and his wife the cheapest people on the planet. and my bil the moron. my fil another weirdo whom i cant stand. and then my dad whom i love but frankly i have to allow for alot other wise i wouldnt have anyone.
i mean all he doesnt know and how much he wasnt around and how much he didnt go to that was important to me.. like the pool or to my ice skating. but soemhow stephens little league was important. as was his basketball.
i rememebr i was singing a solo in chorus in middle school and i was all set and we were getting ready i was nervous of course and my mom said oh she wasnt going to come. i had a big fight with her saying she went to all of stephens stuff why cant she come to one of my things which was almost nothing b/c she would never take me to anything outside school (and notice this wastn something she had to take me to practices for or whatnot i went to school and did this activity..) well i not only was so upset i screamed myself almost hoarse and completely flaked on stage. one of the most embarassing things i had happen. she ended up coming to see that and i never got a solo again.
wasnt good enough apparently.
if i had been smart i wouldve let her stay home and done well without her there. i also had the thought of how embarasing itd be to explain why mom who was a stay at home mom couldnt make it.. she wasnt like a f**king surgeon who was stuck late in surgery doing important things.
and see thats why i hate people rattling me. b/c id be fine without them.
ill never forgive her for that.
or not wanting to coem with me for my wedding dress. and again i had to beg her. i shudve just gone alone. then i could say hey mom you didnt even coem.
when i made the mistake of calling her that i was leaving the drs office to have kate i called her and she said no i didnt beg. i just went. and now i def wont call to ask. if kate comes with me to the hosp she will. and shell have to be there with me.
thats why id like to schedule it really. that way i can just leave her at my mils and have it set. maybe i wont call anyone. kate will be ok with me there.
anyway i have to get going. i promised kate id take her to a playground and to buy her halloween costume. to the disney store we go. after walmart and the playground. and see if i can look at clothes for her - the christmas dresses are already out at janie and jack and thats where i always get her dresses.. at the end of the month there will be a sale so that way i know what im getting in the mad crush of people...
hey steve. ok :)
we never made i to the mall. kate cried and wanted to stay at the playground. so we did. some bigger kids came and they decided to play manhunt. kate on the other hand.. well she didnt realize she was the hunted and was lucky in her bumbling around and shed coem out of the tunnels and kiss and hug me and tell me shes going to do this or that.. and theyd be in there searching for her. it was like the man who knew too little..
i texted rob and told him and he said aw kate run run.
they were nice though and they changed games and the kids were playing pirates and sharks... kat e apparently was a pirate and was just running from the sharks...
so we dint get any of our clothes or costumes. oh well theres another day i guess.
rob called and left a message for con ed hr whoever his contact i sthere. he hasnt heard back.
meanwhile we sent eddie a thank you gift- a wine basket with 4 bottles of wine and all that gifty stuff in it.. it was actually quite expensive.. and it shipped and was received and eddie never even sent an email to rob saying hey got the basket , thx. i had to freaking look up on the website and track the order.. im completely shocked.
i would never think he and his wife wouldnt just let us know. ..
I think you would do well in a career that was nursing based but not as crazy and intense as you have it now. Utilization Review, Life Coaching, and Health Assurance Continuity can be very good pay, with none of the "will I get fired today" nonsense. Plus you are really good on-line and in writing and I am sure on the phone, and many of these things require a nursing degree.
No, people do not get what they deserve, at least in this life usually. We all are equally a mess in God's eyes since none of us can claim being without fault. But I know God is just and we make choices that determine what happens to us. Faith and forgiveness or our own way that ends in disaster. But chi and energy and the like; no thanks.
The union rep nurse who lives in a perpetual conflict of interest. I see what you mean by unfair. You (anyone really) just could not trust her. But if she is as ill as you say then why does she bother to be mean to anyone? You would think that would drive the mean out of her. Some folks though are like that to the end.
You would be shocked at the things I have done. I may seem all goodie two shoes, but I lived a life that was pretty bad. Many things I did were outrageously selfish and mean. Much of it was intentional. Now, still like me? lol
Wow, talk about Kate being in that stage I debate even exists, Electra Stage. That is classic. My prince is here she says to Rob? Wow! I pity the boy who wants to first date her. They are dead meat.
I do see that your family was not into you as they should have been, and many have serious issues with emotional limitations and the like, but the whole point is that you are still important in that entire complex family matrix, and even if you do not know their role or even yours, you do fit in. You are important to them. I can tell. You are more influential than you think. Give yourself some credit. You are not some misfit who just exists. Who are you channeling when you say or act like that?
You know. You really need to forgive yourself for not being the person that you feel you might have been or should have been. It doesn't matter if your solo was diva great or so bad you sounded like you were strangling a cat. A real parent's love would not have even noticed. they would have been patient and kind and never noticed if you were good or bad or talented. You are valued for you, but do not let memories of what you did not get from mom define you.
Yes, that stuff your mother did was hurtful, but your value as Liz never changed. You are wonderful just because you are you. Real love does not love for what we do; it is love for just being who you are. You didn't see that much, and I think sometimes punish yourself for it. Mom is full of pain and cannot let herself go to love you as she should because she sees herself in you. That is difficult for her and she keeps you at arms length because of it and even mistreats you too. But know that this is not you. That is her dysfunction in action, not reality of what you are worth.
Kate had fun. It did not matter if she was a shark or a pirate or the hunted. Yes, sometimes bliss is seen in being unaware, but she had great fun. I am sure that was the best part for her...and costumes. For a little girl she will be easy to find one. It can wait. There are thousands of choices.
I am surprised that Eddie said nothing: That is weird. It is common to say thank you after getting a gify. How hard could it be? Really? manners??!! No recognition? That is just plain rude. But I think Ron will be just fine with the job. There is some red tape snag. He will hear soon I am sure. Steven
see heres the thing.
i like taking care of pts.
i dont like not being able to practice the way i want. safely.
thats why i heard of a nurse when she left st vincents she went and worked at pathmarks. over nites. said she cant do it anymore.
and another of a friend of mine who left to be corporate her friend left and sold hot dogs from a truck. and gave away ones to people who were homeless or she felt needed them.
see? nurses who just flipped the f**k out.
look ok no one is without sin.
but im sorry theres levels. im not up there with perfect people but, ive basically done the right thing. and i def havent given my parents heartache. i dont think they know how lucky they are.
i see all sorts of shit in the er and parents running there to parents who have had it and are fed up with their kids and their bullshit.
i have never called my parents drunk, high, in jail or in the er. i mean seriously. if i can say that of my kids again ill be happy.
as for you being bad... it doesnt count if you took the last pillsbury crescent roll at thanksgiving without asking.
i mean seriously.
ok my first instinct is of course curiousity and ill admit that makes me like you more ... your badness.
or possibly sleep with you...
then again i kind of like a good boy i want to corrupt...
i didnt know you debated that electra existed. i have seen many children boy so r girls say how theyre marrying their mommy or their daddy or silly things like that..
i def believe that it does. its just odd when youre the mother kind of standing there like...
ok i dotn fit in here soemhow. i always knew id be replaced by a younger woman. who knew id create her?
im talking to you right steve? you knew my family esp my mother has been pretty shitty to me. at least i thought that thought had gotten across.
im worried when you say oh you fit in with your family.. its like yeah youre f**ked up like them too liz. just join the band.
or join the island of misfit toys... (btw i have always called the er that..)
i m totally soem misfit that exists. constantly belittled, questioned, excluded. with my mom she doesnt wnat me there. and my kid neither. not much to question there. theres family functions my mother hosts that im not invited to. but weve been thru that already.
my mother was sick dying in the icu, and after it was all said and done im tlaking 9 months in the hosp. she went for her 1st appt and i took her to even that - nd the dr said you know youre lucky to have lived. if your daughter wsnt there you wouldve died. and my mother said.. my son was there everyday. and the dr was like....what?
and dont get me wrong he was there. but hes not medical. he was a kid in college at the time. and hes all freaked out by the whole experience. i remember him telling me and a cousin that he doesnt know how the f**k we do this everyday the - vomit the nudity the families, the body fluids. the craziness of the whole thing. there was a blind guy- in the same room as my mom - there who would complain the lights werent on. and then id say .. marcus youre blind and hed say oh yeah......
as far as my mil, one time back when things started to sour my fil was in the hosp with a 100 complaints. they shudve called an ambulance but they wanted to go to a certain hosp and if they did it wasnt the closest. anwyay rob drove us and we were all crammed in their stupid little car - and we got there and they worked him up right away due to chest pain etc. of course it all was nothing b/c hes an asshole, and he was on the cardiac floor and they gave him an antibiotic - zosyn - which is contraindicated for a cardiac pt. well he threw soem arrythmias. so i told her tell them youre refusing it and have the attending change it. b/c it could throw him inot terminal rhythm. so she wnted to and spoke to a stupid intern who said they wouldnt change it and i said well then tell him were refusing it and well deal with it in the am. and she had the nerve to say that the reason my mom was treated so badly at her experience was b/c i was a bitch to the staff there. and shes not going to be rude to them for fear of what theyre going to do to him. i said hey they care so much theyre giving him a drug thats causing arrythmias so see how much that they care that they kill him.
and steve i was done. i told rob what a bitch his mother was and i was done. dont call me and have us drive like were an ambulance with his dad having chest pain. f**k all of that. call me if hes dead or alive. im not going thats for sure. i mean steve if you go to buy a used to car and bring amechanic- the whole point is theyre looking out for you. im the wringer. so hey take soem intern who doesnt knwo what theyre doing over mine. i only care b/c its robs father. other than that i dont. honestly.
so you tell me how respected i am in this stupid family.
and i cant lie to myself and think that i a m. my brother and his wife who know nothing think they know everything. about kids marriage.. etc.
as far as my mother seeing me in her. i dotn see it. and she says all the time how were not alike at all.
and im ok with that really. if you want to insult me tell me im just like my mother. i might have a choice word for you.. or two..
we dont look alike. strike one.
shes very backwrds in her thinking and has almost no caring or understanding for another individual.
shes not motherly. shes not a huggy caring loving mother.
i have all the annoyances of guilt that an italian mother can give u but none of the good stuff. usually theyre very lovey and they can cook. my mom cant even cook.
and i think im not like that. - yes - the opposite of all those things listed above.
and steve i didnt get the solo cuz i sucked. i was one of the best singers. i was a high soprano. i never used sheet music with words, i can memorize songs and i know every song on the radio. ask rob.
i sing to kate all the time. esp in the car. and im a pretty good mimic. which is why i prob wouldve never had a career. they dont want that.
and im able to parrot all the broadway songs - esp phantom of the opera and les miserables.. the song on my own was my song for solo. i had it down.
im mad at myself that i let her rattle me. i let all the things she did to me get to me and fulfill her thoughts of me sucking or not being good
enough for her time. realize i had to live up ot my little brother who was exceptional at alot of things.
he is good looking and funny. a guys guy and a ladies man. since kindegarten im not kidding.
super popular. even moms liked him. oh stephen...
i had soem stupid little girl tell me that i was lucky i had him as a brother cuz i got to be with him all the time. yeah.
and he was very good at sports. esp baseball and was an all star pitcher whom my parents thought was going to go all the way.
he quit in college even thought the coach was very happy woth him and my dad i think has never forgiven him. my bro only said he quit b/c he only could throw in the 80s mph and his arm tired too soon.
my dad said fine then be ashort stop. his alt position and i think ym dad and the coach were prob right b ut for soem reason there was no reasoning with him. (he was on the all star team from ny to go to japan..)
ive been actually paranoid in my thinking that eddie didnt say anything b/c he found out rob somehow doesnt have the job...
hey steve, i know its sunday but i find myself in a ... dilemma. im hoping to hear from you anyway but understand if i dont since it is the weekend
i got a letter in the mail about a ticket i received. i got a no seatbelt ticket one of the days i was on my way to see my lawyer. i had just dropped off kate and had driven like 2 blocks and i was really just upset as you know i was about the whole situation.
so i saw the police station as its nearby and put on my seatbelt as i was driving. like 3 block later i was pulled over with my seatbelt on. the officer said i didnt have it and was a jerk and i didnt argue t. he gave me the ticket and said well its just a fine no points on your license. i was like ok whatever as had so much else on my mind. i have no other points/ tickets other than parking on my license.
anyway i got a letter in the mail saying a hearing was scheduled. i was debating whether i was going to go to queens to fight the ticket as the officer was very rude, and it was bullshit i felt really.
anyway it has been in the back of my mind but i havent focused on it til i got the letter yest that said that i didnt show up to the hearing (yeah woops) and my license had been suspended since july. the ticket was in april so where the specific july date comes from i have no idea.
so im really upset and frankly i dont see how they can suspend your license before the "hearing" date.
im sure the officer didnt show up b/c it wasnt like i assaulted him, so it shudve been a fine or whatnot.
anyway im mad b/c i kept putting it off on paying b/c i was first debating that i was going to fight it. then i said forget fighting it. ill pay it but moneys been tight so i havent.
anyway so i paid the fine. but it takes time to reinstate your license. so it said if you pay after (as example) 7pm mon your license will be reinstated on wed. so im thinking i paid sat so itd be after 7pm fri. so i figure tue it will be reinstated...
except i have to work. so robs like just do 55 and stay in the middle lane. nowi would do that. but if i get caught it will get me arrested. it could be reported to board of nsg and im just not going there. i refuse to. i havent even finished paying doreen off.
and im just tire dof always being in these bad situations. honestly that hosp i feel still f**king haunts me. all the bills, the shitty hosp i work at due to desperation, the night shift. all my old hosp fault. i wudve been at this great hosp i had interviewed with first - i saw it was named one of the best hosp to work at recently and i was like of course it was.
and i feel like my liability is crazy high due to having to leave my old hosp and take this shit position.
so last night i could barely sleep trying to figure out what to do. id take a cab but its over 30 miles away and i know vab ride will be at least $50 each way. which after paying the $300 fine yest... is kind of like f**k already. i cant really miss work, as im in the shithole with peter, although im tempted to call out b/c i feel so emotionally fragile due to all this (i know stupid right? ill have my license back im thinking the latest wed.. so its not forever but its my whole working tour..) i cant even think of handling bullshit at work. like if soemone does soemthing to me i know ill start crying.
rob says well take the lirr. except its $8 to lirr that 2 and half miles away $10 on the train and then i have no idea to the hosp where the nearest station is. so were already at possibly a minimum of $38.. plus tips. and the time spent is crazy. ill be leaving a minumum of 2 hrs before the shift.
so i asked rob please to take me to work tonight. he sighed and said nothing. i said look i didnt do this on purpose and im worried about it. he said you should be.
meanwhile jerkoff i am i always pay any tickets he gets and have to figure out when he gets a parking ticket (like the expired lirr sticker when we paid for it he just never put it in the freaking window.. they fined us $100. and if not paid the car being towed.)
i told him im not taking the chance of getting my nursing license in trouble. then i had the thought of asking dr b who lives in the next town if he could take me home...
i figured id make up an excuse.. i cant tell him my license - i dont want anyone to know, although i always like to say how dependable my cars are..
id check m on on the dmv site and either see if he could take me to and from again... the problem is is he the early or late dr. we work very similar but not exact shifts... like im 7pm to 73oam. hes either 6 to 6.. but is usually stuck late - soemtimes he get sout and scoots though..
and the whole week it will be the same whether hes the later or early dr. him and dr a switch off and im trying to rememeber what he was last week.
i figured id have cash with me that if i needed to take a cab to or from as an emergency id have it...
i was thinking of asking rob to do a 401k withdrawal to help us over this rought spot but hes all pissed as we had to do that when i was out of work and we havent been contributing b/c it hasnt been set up to deduct again since his old job.
ill be relived when this whole thing is over thats for sure. i was trying to think of who else i cud bug with such a favor but no one except day shift nurses live over here. and i could actually see soemone being like here borrow a car and thats not my problem of course.. but i could see someone being like yeah u can use this car for a few days.. which i cant do..
shit steven. i feel like i ma like soemhow criminal number one over here and i live like nun.
rob ran to the store all barely spekaing to me b/c i told him what ashit he is for yelling at kate.
kate was in the kitchen and she had her magic wand. she put it on the floor and he was loading the dishwasher and i was trying to post this and he told her to pick it up.. she didnt and he started screaming at her to pick it up and go inside. she was hysterically crying and frozen when i ran in there. and i dont like splititng parents or not being on each others side, but i was so mad i swept her up and took her. and while im trying to comfort her he came in the living room where i had gone and sat trying to talk to her he came and handed her the wand silently and she said thru her crying thank you daddy. and i felt like fist fighting him steve.
i said nothing and kept with her for over an hour which is why this post i s now so late.. and i told him i think u shud apologize and he said shes fine. she went to him like nothing but shes not normally clingy and she sat with me for def over na hour and didnt wnat to get up..
I just lost a huge posting about your self value and mil and family. It was one of my better posts for you! I could scream! I cannot get it back...It makes me sick.
But at least I was able to see this post of yours, now.
I am so sorry for all of this mess. This is not what you need. A license suspension for missing a hearing on a seat belt? Wow NY is tough.
However, you are wise not to drive without a license. The way everything is interlinked electronically you would not want to take the risk of this showing up in your nursing record and questions asked. True, trouble follows you these last years and you must be totally sick of all this. This sucks in no uncertain terms. I do get how you would feel that this is all intertwined and that you are just in the same ditch as when the situation started with your old hospital...but this is different, it just is very rotten timing and is painful and really inconvenient.
Your idea about getting a ride from dr b or others is the best one. And you can say the truth to him, or really most people This is not that bad...you forgot to go to a hearing for a seatbelt ticket. That happens. And, you do not want to get in trouble by driving. People will understand and we have all missed important appointments. It happens. You don;t have to mention that you didn't have a license since July and just mention the hearing issue.
Plus if you carry some back up cash you will be fine. You can take a cab if you are desperate.
I would try the friend in need route first. It is not for that long anyway as the restoration should be quick now that the fine is paid. If not maybe you can borrow money for a cab, but I bet that you will find someone to ride you from the hospital. People are pretty nice most of the time.
Rob is really cranky...wow! I can't say that I have not lost my temper with the kids many times...I have, but he needs to apologize to kate and to you. It is not your fault if you need a ride. Okay, so you forgot a hearing. He forgets too. he was just taking his own frustration out on Kate. It happens but that does not make it right. You were there for Kate and that is what is best for her. She does not need to feel alone as you sued to. (And will not)
Call dr b and let me know if he can ride you. (I would, but it is a bit out of my way...)Steven
hi steve. i guess those are the breaks. i got an ans to my license dilemma instead of the big insightful one about my family.
anyway i cant believe its a suspension. im absolutely shocked. i had rob read it too as i was just... well shocked.
im going to ask dr b.. i was thinking of being vague and just saying car trouble and leaving it at that. if he says no in whatever way - prob nt outright im sure as hes not like that..
there isnt anyone i can really ask honestly.
i was trying to get kate to eat some hamburger from yest and she wouldnt and i just started crying. she said dont cry mommy. she was hugging me and telling me we need a family hug (i guess rob included ) rob was in the laundry room. i heard him come out and looked up to see him go into the kitchen walking past us. i didnt say anything, he came back out and kate called him over.
he came over and hugged me and i said nothing as i cried.
kate kept telling him mommys crying and he said i know kate i know.
i felt bad as i dont want her upset really.
so she started hitting hi in the butt and i said u want to get in on this?
she didnt and i said i know ur mad at me for this. he said i dont even know why youre crying. i said well if you dont why dont u ask?
he sad well u always tell me anyway. (yes stupid me and i dont tell him half of what i used to. )
he then said god liz if everythings not perfect for you for 10 min youre crying.
now steve, when has anything everything been perfect for me?
and how much shit have i gone thru?
and really he can go f**k himself.
i said nothing else b/c i figure ill turn it into a full blown fight and i dont feel like it.
im still making him drive me tonight as its the only time he will be able to and ill be paying/ begging for rides each day.
HI STEVE. I OPENED A NEW QUESTION FOR YOU. its already posted...