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Alicia_MSW
Alicia_MSW, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 493
Experience:  Specializing in mental health counseling
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sorry for the delay, but "time flies like an arrow" ( even

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sorry for the delay, but "time flies like an arrow" ( even if the best automatic translator understand : you must mesure how fast the flies fly, like you would do it for an arrow... LOL... when the wiseman point his finger to show the moon, the idiot looks at his finger...what is the link with apple pie ? Sorry, i am warming up my english brain processor ) It will take time before i find the answers to my question, so tell me what do think of the following hypotheses about human psychology that i feel too harmonious and simple, to be wrong. 1 / relationships grow on similarities and so, common interests. People tend to collaborate closely when they have similar goals, resulting of a similar history. We become friends if we share enought injuries and qualities. I can feel what you experienced, like you understand how i react to this or that. it is as we are searching a compatible mirror of our self, even if the sex and external aspect are different, to try to find answer about our self. A kind of speaking mirror or a second me to talk to. We have missed interactions in our past, that we need to replay with ressembling actor. And if you are not satisfied, you must look for a better actor or try to work on yourself before the next replay. I think of my mother who had a disturbing relation with her farther, she always need to replay it with close men.
OH... i forgot to tell you that the same abyss exists on the side of my english mother. same deny, same disqualification of my view or ideas, no confidence in me, trying to keep me in childhood, etc... i can see so much similarities in the family history, behaviors, roles, or réaction against me saying : " none of my grandfathers were courageous, the french one fleeing his duty to fight against the Nazis, and the English one serving obeydiently the british empire during the unfair independance war of India (watch the film GANDHI to have an overview of the dirty work done by the English)(note that G ORWELL who was serving in the nearby in Birmany, was the first to report the wide inhuman treatment of local inhabitants, after resigning of his police director function) So both of my grandfather buid there family on this big fault against humanity, and a fake autority covered by frightening blind violence on women and children of course! And on both side no one ever tryed, to go against the will of the tyran. Shut your mouth and walk straight. Unluckyly, the destiny left a big stone, the grave of my english uncle Andrew, burnt to death at the age of 3, due to mishandling of a cauldron of boiling water over his head. One of the handle broke... how can someone ear this story without noticing how unreal it sounds ? or after the saddness wave, start and just can't stop laughting about this ridiculous naive explanation !... every handle announces its futur break down by some small movement or noise! they mean that the handle brook without any previous signs ? Even with a PYREX one piece cauldron, no mother will ever take the risk to pass 5 liters of boiling water over the head of her babby... Could you, ALICIA ? off course not, because you have no mental disorder. This is why, i am certain that my grand mother was not in her normal state of mind, when the accident happened. This grave was the starting point to find the cause of tension with my mother. My father tryed to point at my mother and her dead brother, as the source of all problems, but his innocence and perfect father's image was much too pur to be real. And with the hypothese that relations grow on similarity, i search and find the big fault hidden by the french family.But i can also feel with my old friends that i don't fit any more. I feel like i am disturbing the routine on wich the relation rely. AIE i would not have enought room to finish. To be short : Am i so crasy that people avoid me ? Or my evolution involves a new roles distribution in any of my relations, and only a few are able to accept my new status ?
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Alicia_MSW replied 1 year ago.
Hi there,

It's nice to hear from you again, and it's no trouble about the delay. And I understand you perfectly :)
So, for your first question, I do agree with what you've explained here, as far as searching for someone who can act as a mirror, who understands your deeper self on a level that goes beyond the superficial interactions we have with most people on a daily basis. It's not always necessary, but it's helpful if people can relate to your experience because they've been through it themselves and not just because they can imagine what it's like for you, if you follow what I am saying. You don't always have to go through an experience to understand it. but it definitely helps. I think it is possible to have true empathy for someone else, to understand what someone else's pain or happiness feels like even if you're not in their shoes. But that's my general opinion - it varies based on specific experiences, and of course, on the individual. What you describe with your mother makes sense. If she had such a dysfunctional relationship with her father and she never worked through those issues, then it's understandable that she felt compelled to replay those issues over and over (the repetition compulsion, a term I am sure you're familiar with) in her relationships with other men.

From what I remember you saying in your last message, you've always been the one to point out things that no one else in your family would acknowledge. It's like the story of the emperor's new clothes (Les Habits neufs de l'empereur?) - you're the boy at the end of the story who's pointing out the fact that the emperor is naked, while everyone else is insisting that he's still clothed :)
(And I did see Gandhi - it's a great film - but I know exactly what you're talking about here in terms of your family's history.)
Basically, you're suffering still from collective guilt over what happened back then, even though it seems like no one else is suffering with you. And it sounds like you're trying to come to some sort of feeling of peace about it. I give you a lot of credit for acknowledging these things, instead of trying to bury them in the back of your mind as so many people in your life have tried to do.
I do not think you're crazy, I think simply that because you are very aware of what has happened, it makes people who would rather not think about such things feel uncomfortable. It's much safer for some people to keep their head in the sand, like the ostrich, than to admit to things like this that make them feel bad.
Simply put, if I am understanding you correctly, it seems that you are beating your head against the wall trying to point these things out to certain people in your life, when I think you might have to realize that they aren't going to change. And if you want to continue your relationships with them, you have to realize that and accept them for who they are, or else you're going to have continued frustrations with your interactions with them.
Let me know if that makes sense. I look forward to hearing your reply.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

ok, so i am not crazy ... since last message, my stepfather came to visit shortly, but it was like if i had become a gentleman ! He was congratulating for all bits of work done, agreeing to all my idea, listening patiently to my words, and even physically was keeping his head at the high of mine, I felt clearly a change of status in his head, contrasting a lot with how he use to see me. I felt like i was looked as a equal and good model. It even sounded to pretty to be true, as he is the kind of manipulating man able to efficient seduction. I am still vigilant, but this change must be the concequences of the change of mind of my mother toward me. Last winter, i wrote the completed story in a book that i published in a web edition. I sent one to mum, dad and my sister. And Mum, who is very lazy finally read it, during the summer. And before living, Ross (st.father), told me that Mum was decided to write to the army archives office, to have the record of my grandad's mission in India !... and he added : " because she wants to know, where the curse come from" Not to early ! Instead of replaying the head to head with her father with her solid pride, now she watches behind the unworthy father. So, from : " men are bad" she moved to "men can have done bad things" which will improve the confort of all men in relation with mum. It is a kind of victory for me, and i am regaining some of my vital power. JUNG says that when knots are undone in the inconscient, a flow of energy can trig been changes and even be dangerous. What do you think of that ? I feel like i could speak for hours of what i understand now, it is like i could explain the all creation, i exagerate, but can see very quickly if a relation is blocked, with false communication, and easily find why. Of course i keep on studying on the web, where i found massive free knowledge shared by a veteran psychologist : all i saw until now, sound correct ! take a look, and tell me what do think off it http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xDMxj_HIJJk On the french side, the complete family is muted in silence, but from the tiny exchange with my father, i discover that he has reasoning default. He use correct logical thinking most of the time, but when he feel that he is trapped, and conclusion could not fit his view, he make some divertion, and while you try to recover your mind's line, he breaks the logical chain of ideas and pop up away from the dangerous zone. He is a wicked man ! My mother never found was he was driving her crazy and angry, because she had her own bias and curse, masking. Now, i am convince that my father could not have found a other woman to mary... and i know that all his new girl friends have the same profile of my mother because of a unfair fathers. I saw mirror interaction every were. Now, my father is living with a crazy woman, because as long as he denies the problem, i must find a girl with a similar curse. I took the decision to only communicate by mail, to avoid non verbal vicious influences, until he aknowledges his logical default link to his father avoidance of war, and go and see a psy. He is getting furious curently What is your advice ? I wonder if i should cancell my friendship with his girlfriend on FACEBOOK, wich can be a vicious media ? Now, i just reconnected with a former girl friend who is 20 years younger than me. She know that she use to drive me by my nose, but this time i kept my mind, and stay firm on my position. She tries to transfer some culpability from a friend of her, who she put on my way, on to my shoulder. For that i must deny my logical conclusion, giving certainty that her friend did the fault ( i can explain ), and recognize some unreal lack of politness, so her angry friend could recover his noble pride. It sounds like a trap, but i can't see any goal that they would target. So i think, it a protection by strenth show, as she fears a deep sincere relation because of her problematic father who died last year. The can of girl, like mum, who has any confident in men... so i explain every thing, i listen her, but i told her that i won't allow her to throw back the problem in the chaos of the dangerous inconscious. I said : " we can put the monster in a cage. go for any plaisant walk. but we both know that we must domesticate the monster. Sending it back in the dark forest is not a solution. it will grow and make babies. Here in the cage, we know where it is, even if we don't know how to tame it. She tried to swip away the thing. I said : " this is the only possible way from you to me, whatever pretty you can be " Once again, she builds the story of a spiritual meeting with her father, that gave her the peace of mind . She dreams her equilibrium, and she knows that i like to follow her dreams. I would like to be nice to her, i know now that some limits can not be crossed such as THINKING IN A VALIDE RATIONAL WAY ! this is the basic rule to avoid to be lost. She could ask any thing else, but i would not travel with her, without the armor of reason. In fact, we felt in love, because she is what my mother was at the same age: pride, strong, decided, deaf to men, unable to love....and i would like to help her so much... because i know what was her childwood, parents divorced very early, pretty pride mother and an odd weak shamefull father filling his house with newspaper... but she says :"i don't need to talk of my parents, because i am perfectly balance. But my brother needs help ( 10y ago i noticed that he had some lowspeed brain, with some colapse in his train of thought) Well, how can you dream that only one of 2 children could be affected ? Non sense ! She is much more crazy than me, but i can not leave her on her own. Is there other thing than primal narcisism as an engine of love ? What do you think of the these sugested by ROBERT SAPOLKY of stanford, that attraction is the result of inconscious perception of non verbal signs of common genes ? the more genes you share with someone, the more you will protect him (in fact you protect your gene in him, not him)


 


byebye

Expert:  Alicia_MSW replied 1 year ago.
Hi again,

I think the situation that occurred with your mom is potentially very positive indeed, as you said, a small victory for you, in that she seems to be displaying a bit of insight and... remorse, even, at least in terms of what you brought up in your first message regarding her relationships with men. But you're right, once a psychological block is removed, (although this is not always the case) the release and catharsis can be very powerful. So what you're describing is not unusual at all. Sometimes it can make way for tremendous and positive changes, so I'll keep my fingers crossed for you there :) As far as the youtube video, it's very informative and interesting – and I bet it helps to make sense of and normalize your family situation – so you see the large impact the dysfunction in your family had on you – and it's not your fault, nor was there anything you could have done to prevent it from occurring. And it also makes sense in light of what you've uncovered about your father, in terms of his not “being able” to marry someone different. I guess, to a certain extent, we all end up with the people we're supposed to be with, regardless of whether it seems “right” on the outside – for some reason, your father, although you say he's logical at most other times, is drawn to similar women who obviously “give” him something beneficial (or else, why would he choose them?), even though it looks like craziness on the outside. But the other thing to consider is that you might want to just try to put some distance between you and your father (emotionally-speaking, because I do remember from your first message a few months ago that it was a very difficult relationship for you) – just so you aren't so affected by his relationship now. You want him to acknowledge his wrongdoing, so to speak, with regard to so many different things, and it seems that he is content to just stick his head in the sand. That is, of course, his prerogative, even though you can see things clearly – he does not have the same ability. In terms of his becoming angry – you must acknowledge that he is responsible for his feelings, and that they are not a reflection on you. So again, keeping proper boundaries is very important for you here. And the same thing applies with your girlfriend – it sounds like you just have very high standards for yourself and you want everyone in your life to keep to those same standards. Yet it seems that you also have compassion for her and understand where her difficulties with men are coming from (the father, etc.) so it's important to just try to remind yourself of that, when you feel like she's not seeing things clearly – remember that she is coming from a different place than you. And also remember that as much as you would like to help her, she also has to be able to acknowledge the desire and need for help, too. And finally, as far as what you say about Sapolsky and your sentence “attraction is the result of inconscious perception of non verbal signs of common genes ? the more genes you share with someone, the more you will protect him”, in my opinion, makes sense because you recognize yourself in those you choose to surround yourself with – not just on a biological/genetic level, but also psychologically speaking.
Best wishes.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

hello,


 


I am starting by the bottom of your message, and progressing to the top.


 


I am glad to know that my conclusion about SAPOLSKY teaching, that level of attraction depends of the number of common genes, does not contradict your knowledge.


 


About the teaching of the veterant psychologist ( aged 73), i keep on learning a lot without any wrong thing heard untill now.


But 2 things make me wonder...


 


The 1st is that some cores of the system rely on god, with prayer like the serenity one: "give me the serenity to accept what i can't change, the strenght to change what can be changed, and the awareness to know the difference"


this does not frighten me, as long as he doesn't tell me that we can not reach god without knowing Jesus Christ, which will lead to the Vatican.


If he uses god for naming an above organizing strength, that is ok!


 


The 2nd is that the main core is the inner family system therapy (created by R SCHWARTZ based on subselves, children, manager, magician, etc.. and the above true-self. But, when he says that subselves have scientific reality, and correspond to different area of the brain, i start to doubt seriously... So, as an american, you surely have heard about this new technic.


 


Tell me what is your opinion on IFST, and if you know if there are some links with some religions or churches ?


 


With my (possible futur) girlfriend, we have a lot of common genes (lol)... but i am also the only one who has the keys for her happyness, because she is a psychological copy of my mother. Every ingredients is present, a family destroyed when she was 6, total lack of confidence with men, necessity to have total control on her life, so men must show sign of submition, etc...etc... at the same time she needs to replay the missed relation with her father, and as i could be her father ( 20 years of age difference between me & her ), i fit her needs.


 


Do you think that it could be possible to build a healthy relation ?


 


My standard are far more loose, than what you imagine. But, i discovered recently that thinking rationally is a protection against mental illness.


So i can not accept any wrong thinking, during the construction of our relationship. She has a lot to clear, and i will do by best to help her, but if she doesn't work with cohérence and logic, the task will be impossible...


i could admit any kind of standard deviation, but i can not tolerate someone who think in an unrational way. (i start repeating my self...)


 


So, the monster is in the cage, and next time i'll speak with her, i shall ask her : " what do we do with the monster ? " if she answer " well, just leave it in the cage, for now" i will be very glad, but if she denies the existence of it... i would not go further in the relation.


 


What do you think of my attitude ?


 


Finaly, does the explanation of the breaking handle causing the accident with Andrew, sounds realistic to you?


 


Extra for fun : Let me share with you what Peter K Gerlack recommand to say to some one who is shouting at you :


 


" well, listen now... i really need that you lower your voice ! "


 


LOL ! i shall try... but i feel like it is going to trig a nuclear explosion !!!!!


 


 


bye

Expert:  Alicia_MSW replied 1 year ago.
Hello again,

Well for starters, I do think that there is certainly something odd (if not more so) about the explanation given for incident with Andrew and the cauldron handle. I tend to agree with you that there is indeed much more to that story than anyone here has let on. It does sound like it goes along with the tendency of people in your family to try to cover things up.

As far as IFST, I know there are some spiritual counselors and clergy who practice this type of treatment, but I personally am not aware of any connection with churches or religions. I think it's a valid, beneficial form of therapy that can be very useful for families/individuals who have been through a very traumatic experience, especially because its main focus is, as you know, on intrapsychic dynamics.

With your girlfriend, I do think its possible for you to have a healthy relationship - perhaps healthier than most, in one way of looking at it, because you already understand the dynamics that are occurring between you. The only thing I would advise is to avoid the tendency to analyze things too much, because that can interfere with any potential feelings of intimacy between the two of you. That's not to say there's anything wrong with rational thinking, and I do understand where you are coming from when you talk about protection from mental illness. It's just to say that sometimes, it can be helpful to ease up a bit and just let things "flow" if you feel like this is someone who has the potential to be a good mate for you. I think it's fine to see what her opinion is on all of this (in terms of how you want to approach it regarding the "monster") and I can understand why you would want to do so.

I hope that helps, and I wish you luck. Let me know if you need additional assistance.



Alicia_MSW, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 493
Experience: Specializing in mental health counseling
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