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Norman M.
Norman M., Principal psychotherapist in private practice. Newspaper contributor, over 2000 satisfied clients on JA
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 2567
Experience:  ADHP(NC), DEHP(NC), ECP, UKCP Registered.
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My boyfriend has been watching a lot of porn and our sex life

Customer Question

My boyfriend has been watching a lot of porn and our sex life has decreased a lot. I'm always to one who initiates sex and he usually turns me down. So i guess me question is why would be rather watch porn alone than have sex with me? because now it's starting to make me feel bad and like he's not attracted to me anymore or that i'm not good enough.
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. Kaushik replied 2 years ago.

Dr. Kaushik :

Hi there,


Welcome to Just answer !


 



 

Dr. Kaushik :

I am so sorry to know about your present predicament that you find yourself in and i empathize with you as his preference for watching porn over sex with you must be making you feel humiliated and extremely upset and traumatised.

Dr. Kaushik :

You see sexual intimacy and good sex life are as important for a relationship to survive as is emotional bond and connect between the two partners..

Dr. Kaushik :

So, i truly believe there is more to this than just his preference for porn over sex as i feel your boyfriend is giving you some obvious signals about his possible change of heart regarding his relationship with you. I will like to share your sentiments here such as those of him feeling not any more attracted to you or just plainly falling out of love with you , either of these possibilites can be possible. Perhaps not indulging in sex witht e same passion as before and giving preference for porn is just his way of expressing his displeasure or discontent in this relationship.

Dr. Kaushik :

So i will surely like to validate your concerns , and i will encourage you to think about this situation very seriously as your future as a couple is at stake here , these are initial warning signs from his side suggestive of his discontent and feeling of inadequacy within the relationship, may be has stopped seeing himself on the same page with you and poor sex life is just the start of straining of the relationship.So before it is too late and he falls out of love completely and makes up his mind to opt out of this relationship , you got to try to salbvage your relationship by sitting him down and talking with him to resolve this budding issue , also in fact offer him to come with you to couple's therapy from a relationship expert who shall act as a catalyst in resolving some core differences / issues which you are apparently unaware of but are putting a strain on your relationship and definitely playing on his mind.

Dr. Kaushik :

So, my honest opinion about the whole issue is that do not take this lightly , this does not seem to be a trivial matter or just a phase of his or his moodiness, there seem to be more like some woarnign signals through which he wants to signal that he is somewhat not happy int he relationship , the reason best known to him and for you to find out and to resolve amicably so as to get back to previously normal sex life and re-ignite the same passion and intimacy as before , so for this if you have to encourage him to seek couple's therapy from a relationship expert , you shoudl not mind and should go ahead with it ..

Dr. Kaushik :

I hope this helps..


 


Wish you all the best..


 


Please leave a Positive rating if you are satisfied with the answer as only then will i be credited for m service.


 


Regards..

Expert:  Norman M. replied 2 years ago.
I have a slightly different take on this to my colleague.

This is not about you not being woman enough, sexual enough or attractive enough – it is about him.

I would not say that looking at pornography is abnormal – however if he seems to be concentrating on images that show women being controlled, bound or violated, it suggests to me that a normal sexual life would not be enough for him, and that he would crave that very type of activity.

In addition, what you describe has gone beyond what is normal or acceptable.

If he is insisting on spending a lot of time alone with the computer, not showing any sexual interest in you, staying up late and on line frequently, showing signs of irritability, guilt or shame, lying to you frequently, I would be worried. It is quite clear that his interest inj porn exceeds his interest in you as a partner. His behavior is, quite frankly demeaning and abusive.

Part of the problem is that women and men are sexually stimulated quite differently.

The main sexual stimulus for men is visual – that’s why the porn industry exists – and in addition the act of sex itself does not (for many men) have the connotations of commitment, attachment and love that it does for most women.

There is some excellent information and support here:

http://www.throughtheflame.org/

and here:

http://pornaddictioninfo.com/

If you feel that this is too much for you to handle, you can ask him to totally change his ways – but it is going to be an uphill struggle.


Firstly, he might agree to put some site blocking software on every computer in the house. Just google “ porn blocker” to get the names of some programs. If he does agree, get someone else to instal it is so that he does not know the password, and therefore cannot circumvent it.

Secondly he might possible agree to therapy, but given his response so far, I would doubt it.

In the final analysis, if you simply cannot accept that he does use porn, and he will not accept your or someone else’s help to deal with it, perhaps ending the relationship is the only answer, sadly.


However, before you make any final decisions, I’m going to suggest that you would benefit greatly from a course of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. It is a form of therapy that addresses problems in a direct and targeted way and is brief compared with most other therapies. Not that I think that there is anything wrong with you, but it would help to clarifiy your thinking and help you to come to the best decisions for your future.

CBT is based on the fact that what we think in any given situation generates beliefs about, and reactions to that situation, and also cause the behaviour and feelings which flow from those beliefs and reactions.

These ‘automatic thoughts’ are so fast that generally, we are unaware that we have even had them. We call them ANTS (automatic negative thoughts) for short.

If the pattern of thinking we use, or our beliefs about our situation are even slightly distorted,

the resulting emotions and actions that flow from them can be extremely negative and unhelpful. The object of CBT is to identify these ‘automatic thoughts’ then to re-adjust our thoughts and beliefs so that they are entirely realistic and correspond to the realities of our lives, and that therefore, the resulting emotions, feelings and actions we have will be more useful and helpful.

Cognitive therapists do not usually interpret or seek for unconscious motivations but bring cognitions and beliefs into the current focus of attention and through guided discovery encourage clients to gently re-evaluate their thinking.

Therapy is not seen as something “done to” the client. CBT is not about trying to prove a client wrong and the therapist right, or getting into unhelpful debates. Through collaboration, questioning and re-evaluating their views, clients come to see for themselves that there are alternatives and that they can change.

Clients try things out in between therapy sessions, putting what has been learned into practice, learning how therapy translates into real life improvement.

Please visit this website for much more detailed information on CBT:

http://www.rcpsych.ac.uk/mentalhealthinfoforall/treatments/cbt.aspx

If you cannot afford to see a therapist, there are good free CBT based self-help resources here:

http://www.getselfhelp.co.uk/cbtstep1.htm

Best wishes,

NormanM




Norman M., Principal psychotherapist in private practice. Newspaper contributor, over 2000 satisfied clients on JA
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 2567
Experience: ADHP(NC), DEHP(NC), ECP, UKCP Registered.
Norman M. and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Norman M. replied 2 years ago.
Is there anything else that I could add before you rate my answer?

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