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I can tell that you are whooped. You seem totally exhausted. With your schedule and all of the things that go on with Kate and Rob and family...I can get why you might be so tired. I also notices that Mondays you seem to be at your lowest point energy wise.
Dr a is consistent, that is for certain. I feel that he has to be involved with you, and everyone he deems that falls into his "world". Are you surprised that he acts this way? He is the consummate self centered man...
Of course when he hears that you are "not feeling the baby move", that it is somehow something that he can and must involve himself with. Really, in his view, why would he not? He is " der uber doctor". He doe snot see that there is no need to really find out that the conversation is really none of his business, and also that he believes that you are talking about this pregnancy and not the past. Wow, this man is so classically narcissistic that it is hard to take in.
I agree. This is not the hospital to deliver your child! I think you would do better crawling to the nearest one that has real services for pregnant women. Dr b... well he tried to be nice. I guess he was self absorbed at the time he saw you. Steven
YEah id be hurtling towards nassau county if i thought that but the sad point is steve, by the time most preg women realize theres a problem the baby died.
dr a involved himself yet again when i was dealing with this sick pt and i had henry helping me. henry said is the rate afib or sinus? i looked and said its looking pretty afib.. the pt converts back and forth alot and henry and dr a came to look and it was reg. i said well just aminute ago it was def afib. dr a said no look liz this is reg (now steve i know how to see if a rhythm is reg or not) i said well thsi pt is bouncing back and forth and we can start printing strips but we havent knocked the irregularity out yet obviously...
they didnt say anything and neither did i as i felt comfortable with the reading a fe wminutes before and i kind of just didnt care if they thought they were correctin g me.
i did like dealing with this med and titrating it and getting a feel for all of this..
rob has asked me to do his whole bondage thing again. ill tell you i really really didnt want to.
kate was napping and while i didnt want to nap at the time, just lying on the couch sounded ok. i feel guilty that i havent been exactly up to well anything. i did finally agree (which can backfire on rob as i can get bitchy and ruin it all for him..) but the only good thing was it got us talking. and he was well stuck to his spot. so i got to say everything i wanted to. he was mor elovey dovey thats for sure. he said he knows after the baby we wont be able to again and hed like for us to make dates for this and dates for what i want.
he said hed love if i wore a collar (does that sound like me?) and when im in the mood to play - id wear it... and i said the only collar ikm wearing is a diamond necklace thats with a huge diamond. so i said get me the huge diamond necklace and you may have a deal. rob then said well i will be getting a big bonus at my new job... apparently a 10% bonus. $9300. if he performs on target.
i said well you better be aye aye captain rob. he said oh i plan on making my mark there. i said you do? he says yes. he said that as my dad and eddie tell it the next 5 years will be huge amt of retirement. and he plans on advancing. he likes the flexibility of that he can leave a dept if he doesnt like it too. and diff locations he can go to.
i told him right by him most importnantly is a place called potbellies. its an awesome sandwich shop. and he laughed and said oh yeah i heard of that place...
anyway i was surprised by his bravado. and he thinks the job will be shorter hrs.. and less stress. i am not sure about all of that b/c i dotn know how hes gauging all that.
i am happy for him. itd be easier on me if hes happier. i also told him while he was captive that i expect him to straighten out his family. and im not kidding. im tired of being a villian when all im trying to do is get him forward. we both have made hard career decisions and im still suffering and will be for awhile .. so ive taken soem for the team too. its not like my job is money hand over fist and its easy
he said once he gets and accepts the official offer he will tell them and tell them how much he loves me etc. i said well dont make it sound like its zombie mind control. i said just tell them youre happy about it. end of story. i asked if he minded my meddling and he said no meddle away sweetie. i am not usually a meddler but i couldnt help it....
as far as dr a being uber dr - hes def not. and on top of that when jen was at worka few days before she gave birth - she was 3cm dilated. dr a freaked out and was like youre in labor. why r u here? i said shes not in labor. shes at +1 station and 3 cm is how dilated you are. i mean my god its nothing. shes not contracting and her amniotic sac is intact. this is not labor. this is woman towards the end of preg. but i def wasnt concerned she was in labor. she told me she felt like dr a and dr b wrote her off when she told them that as they were like wtf are u here? and didnt seem as nice to her. like they knew shed be going out soon.. so like whatever jen. i didnt say maybe she perceived it that way in her bitchiness...
anyway, dr a. he wrote me off when he said it was bullshit that he said i could keep that pt. so i am super done with him and dotn trust him for shit.
dr b seemed busy too i have to admit. i d/cd his pts so it was like we were done and my other sick pt kept me going...
I can't say that we waited long to go to the hospital with the birth of our children. Yes, we were way early on all of them, but hey...at least we were safe.
Dr a wouldn't believe his own mother. I am convinced of it. He is going to see exactly what he thinks he sees. Trying to make him see what you did, that there was a rhythm irregularity, when he thinks he is right is a no win proposition.
Isn't being pregnant (at this point) kind of odd with the bondage request? Most women at that stage of pregnancy have a lessening of libido, not an increase, and playing "games" tends to not be that interesting. Unless you can tie him up and go shopping? lol
The diamond collar sounds kind of nice. I mean really...What the heck? I know a lot of guys who would pay 10k to buy a diamond collar that would promise sex...The dog collar thing does not sound like you, at all I have to admit. But a fancy necklace with diamonds on it does. He can pretend you are a mistress with expensive taste. (SPeaking of that did you hear of that NY case where the married couple was brought to court by the husband? It seemed that every time he wanted sex she would charge him for it. The man sued, saying she was too expensive. (I kid you not.) The court determined that it was fair for her to charge for services rendered but that he could not be charged anything excessive.
I am glad Rob feels that the job is a good fit. He could move up if everyone was retiring in the next several years. Good for him! And you...maybe he will not be so grumpy. And, I do not blame you for asking about his family and the issues there. You put up with a lot.
What more can we say about dr b? Maybe get him a collar? lol Now that is an interchange between you two that I would like to see! He mentions those sorts of topics in a hushed yet interested way. I think he has some fascination there, but I think he would simply pass out if any of it was brought into the open like that. Dr a is hopeless. He is not a good doctor, but he thinks he is. And nothing any of you do there is going to alter his opinion on that! Steven
hey steve. it is kind of like.. i dont want to. i dotn feel like having sex. he likes to say its babys choice (yes im baby.) so if i want him tied he can be and if i want to be i can be. he tied himself up so i can do what i need to do. including ditch him there and leave him begging for me to come back. i have done that. he has said i cazn leave and go shopping etc (this is before kate ..) and ive always felt weird abojut that although one time working nites another nurse told us she had left her boyfriend tied up and we were at work. so he had the 12 1/2 hrs to go.
i do have to say the good thing is i dont know he promised to be sweeter and he was - not as much as id like him to be- and i called him on it when he was saying he wants to play again and i said i didnt think so.. since he wasnt nice enough. so i woke up to a text that said good morning beautiful. how did you sleep?
the diamond necklace is a necklace.. but i just said ill take a necklace not a collar. and he went along wiht it and said well we could get a very nice one with my bonus. i said oh and a dining room set. see i already spent the bonus. were not sure if the bonus is at the end of the year or in a certain month or how it works..
i did rememebr soemthing about the wife being able to charge for services rendered.. who said prostitution isnt legal?
i dont see why its not ina way. its a victimless crime. and maybe the girls would be more protected by the police against violence and abuse.
i hope he comes thru with the whole telling his family. and i do want y old sweet attentive rob back. maybe he needs me to put out an olive branch. its better than him being totally unreachable.
everyone has to do things they dotn like. if its every wed nite after the baby goes to sleep. it wont be too long as he has to work and ill be tired. so if we have to do this for 90 min or so.. well so be it.
dr b seems intrigued by all of the bondage stuff. soemhow i feel both dr s a and b have been with soem plain boring women. see i dont mind the whole thing except i feel super pressured by rob. not lately or anymor ebut i used to be and it just turned me off.
i do feel pressure again, but its better if i tell myself to hang loose and i dotn have to.
i just woke up and i feel super nauseated. i wonder why. maybe too hungry? but i ate before i went to bed... sometimes no sugar does that to me...esp preg.
dr a i dont know if he thinks hes a great dr. why care what i or anyone thinks? i feel likle telling him he shud look for a therapist, but i def dont want to be involved.
well see if tonight is less hectic and maybe i can talk to dr b but i dotn have anything to really say...not b/c im mad.. just... tired and well feel quiet and have nothing to say..
I have to admit that the guy is certainly looking like he is trying to be nice. I am not sure if he can make the benchmark, but he seems to be trying. And, most women in your position, as mentioned, are not very interested in sex. Sex that is complicated and involves restraint and planning and so on...even worse. But if it is once a week and you can plan it...I guess that is not so bad. Having children, and being where you are in your lives with one on the way is so difficult in regards XXXXX XXXXX and closeness. It often feels more like work than fun, and it sometime is just work.
I know that the bonus, no matter when it is, is already spoken for with the dining room set. I can't imagine that where you all are financially at the moment that a diamond anything is in the future. It seems much more practical things like furniture and baby strollers and so on are more in line with what is expected.
Going to bat for you is not a bad idea in terms of what Rob should do. He is your husband and no one should be able to cause you grief without his knowing or total support. His family has given you a very difficult time and it is not expecting to much at all that he stands up and fights for you. You and Kate are his family now and that requires him to act according to his own leadership and not to allow any abuse, manipulation and callousness of anyone else toward you, including those in his family.
I guess you represent a pretty wild woman to dr b and a. Maybe they didn't know any uninhibited types before. Who knows; I sometimes think based on how they both act that they grew up in a box. There is no "grasping" of what life is really like. It is like they grew up in sterile, pretend world where one was the king of his universe and the other was coddled and sheltered. It is so odd.
Having nothing to say on occasion is perfectly fine. Plus you do not feel well. Who would want to engage with people with all that going on? No one normal that is for sure. Steven
so i came in and i had that hectic nite the nite before - i did worry to an extent soemthing was missed or forgotten. i often do this. well i come in and the day shift nurse whos the one who got caught with the lidiocaine drip being hung ona pt and got busted.. well she had the pt the day before. but she transferred the pt up to the front to another nurse hwos skill set leave me wanting. anyway that nurse left me swamped. and the pt.. well her hr was 110 and escalating, she was full of shit literally and confused climbing out of bed, and had the wait for this the curtain in between her legs like ahuge diaper. she only had one iv line and i needed 2. she didnt have any o fof her 6pm meds given and the a drip that needed to be hung and titrated. shes a stepdown adn frnakly i think maybe shudve been an icu.
the same nurse left me with 2 other pts being admitted and she didnt give pain meds to one and the pt had no h/l and the other one was a chest pain to be admitted again - no h/l. im putting out all these fires when i get slammed with 2 back to back critical pts one a preg vag bleed, and the other a chest pain in his 40s. 2 more lines. i had a nsg home pt who fell for the 2nd time thazt day who was d/cd frokm us to the nsg home 3 hrs before and already f**king fell again. and a reg admitted lady who got buddied up with teh other vegetable dip and also had diarrhea. anyway - i was going to fill out a protest form but didnt. i came in this am and heard i had missed this drug b/c of 2 reasons. one it was ordered 4 hrs before my time. 2 it was on paper and all the orders are computer except for like a few drugs this one being one of them. and being slammed with all these pts.
i had the thought if this girl was street smart shed have ripped that f**king order out and thrown it away.
i said that to colleen and she was like well duh. prove it was there...?
anyway, the nurse did hang it right away when the dr questioned her on it.
the dr is new so we dont know what to expect. i dotn know if hell let it go since it was hung right away? or if were just all waiting for the other shoe to drop.
i didnt tell the other day shift nurse as 2 of them missed and then me.. and the one who left me swamped has no f**king sympathy from me b/c frankly this is all bullshit. i shouldnt have to give her 6pm meds at 830pm. so last night i sat down and wrote out my protest form.
7pts one of them a stepdown with all this is just ridiculous and if they call that other nurse let them f**k her b/c im not giving her a heads up when i get slammed every f**king time i take over for her.
im just tired of being responsible when other people are responsible.
all i can do is hope the dr didnt make any mention of i. and then the chart doesnt get audited. the day shift nurse was there for almost 8 hrs after the incident and wasnt spoken to, so she thinks he may have let it go...she said he didnt seem too angry... another nurse said she saw him and he was def angry but this nurse didnt challenge hime and got the drip hung so shes hoping itll be enuff to have it dropped.
im trying to think up my answer other than the business of the whole place, but really i was drowning. i did take a break late in the nite another nurse said go take a break... and i took it as i was readt to fall asleep in sleepytime death missle
im so mad at myself. colleen told me to forget it, but i just cant.
last nite i came in and pete the nurse closed my district and moved me to another. i went took those pts and he came and said give thos pts to so and so and give these pts to another nurse. i take anotrher set and get pulled again. i lookeda t hi like wtf already.. and he says go to... and i say triage. and he says yep go to triage. so i got out there and was with wendy. it was busy at the beginning and then it slowed down. wendy also told me to forget about the drug and not to worry unless they ask about it.
i had a pt with a motorcycle accident and pete and dr b found that enuff to be interesting .. he saw me out there and seemed surprised. i finished triaging the pt and later i saw him and he he said so enjoying your new digs? how you likeing the change of scenary?
i said its ok.. he persisted and i sent a text later to dr b saying why did you miss me? he sent back of course....
i said nah. youre happy that im out of your hair...
so we didnt talk much again last nite...
i guess we will be tonight with dr a's bday for tomorrow and were celebrating tonite. yuck.
meanwhile all the action was in the parking lot last night. a nurses aide - the one who slept with dr a - her car battery was dead - again. she said this is the 5th time shes jumping it. (i was going to say u shud get dr a to pay for this battery but i shut up..) so i explained to her how if she keeps jumping the battery the alternator can go and it might have alrready and shell need an alternator and a battery. she seemed completely like... well not really any answer. blank. so she talked another nurses aide into jumping her. so they did this at like 3am. no lie. except soemthing (i dont know what) went wrong and the cars caught fire. i had brought a pt to the back and i came back out to triage when i walked in on complete chaos that they were screaming and the security guards were running with fire extinguishers. i said trailing behind them call 911. they didnt i guess and fought this fore with a sweatshirt and a fire extinguisher..
they finally all came back and i said so how was the bon fire? did you bring me back any roasted marshmellows? and they were like yeah right... of cours ei looked cuz i was like oh crap its not my car is it? it wasnt and n o one was relieved more than me.. other than other staff who came and looked to their car wasnt next to 2 flaming cars...
unbelieveable is all i can say to all that...
ugh and today is 9/11. and what sreally sucky is that today really reminds me of the actual day. its a tuesday and well its the same weather. and that gives me the creeps.
OH and even if the bonus is going towards a dining rooms et.. i still want the necklace. f**k that. i deserve it at this at thsi point..
and now again we havent heard from con ed and im worried hes not going to hear from them about getting the job...
What the heck...if you want a necklace then go for it! I again would encourage you both about the ConEd job. This is a union management shop. Things are slow for hiring managers. I think this is fine, just really, really slow. I am used to this, but perhaps it is a lot faster in the health care world. In our union shop it takes a long, long time to hear anything at all.
That nurse basically let you hang, in no uncertain terms...what a lazy butt! She compromised you and did not care. Now you are stuck with her mess in addition to all the stress you have. What a joke! You bet I support you filling out the protest forms. She let you have it and did not consider you at all. I think that action alone would help. And letting this go. I know you have a hard time of it, but this was not your fault.
One thing I have learned about you is that you can think on your feet. If you are asked about what happened I am sure that you, better than most, can work this through and place responsibility where it needs to be...not on you. No, I do not know this doctor either, but I can't say one way or another if he will protest. I can say that based on what was said earlier about his reactions it certainly does not look like he will do anything about it. I think Wendy was wise to support you trying to let this go if you can. This really was not your fault in any way.
Oh fun... a 9/11 time frame birthday. How appropriate for Dr a. I do not blame you for wanting to miss all that. I am sure he will be in rare form. Hopefully he will be busy and not involve you as much.
Flaming cars? Never a dull moment. And you are smart to know about the alternator and the relays and diodes getting fried after multiple jumps. Connecting battery negative to negative is often the reason these fires start, and using a ground location is correct, not a battery terminal negative post: Well, doing the straight battery connection is sure "fire" way to create this mess. Wow....
It is creepy about the Tuesday date and the weather and all. I recall everything that day so well. I am sure you do even more. Steven
i am just so sick and tired of trying to run around and worry that i missed soemthing. i will def look tghru the charts now since there are like 3 drugs that still are paper. i think there shud be a computer flag that says hey paper order so you dotn have to wast e your time. it kills me that late inot the nite i couldve looked thru the chart caught it hung it and none of this would have happened. hanging the drip wouldvnt have been a big deal. i just dont want them to find out b/c i dont want them to think i cant handle a step down pt. i can. its just that these other nurses handle 3 critical pts or 2 and i have 7. not critical 7 but it was a tough team that nite really. i know if peter doubts me anymor ei will know ill be on the same path as jen. going no where fast.
and that worries me. i will def mention i dont think ym assignment was fair and i have plenty of nites where im worried whats happening with pts b/c i cant practice the way i want to.
what? no lecture about throwing the paper out? i said it to colleen and she was laughing and says well thats what i wudve done but im shady. i said im not shady, but heck at that point its survival of the fittest and frankly i know when there used to be paper orders drs would back date orders to make it look like they were right on it and nsg was b ehind. and they would throw us rite under the bus and you know for damm sure they were never disciplined the way we are.
im upset b/c i wouldnt have missed it. its like system error. how do you have every drug except 3 or 4 that arent in the computer?
so now we look in the computer only and the nurses are like we dont even look at the charts anymore... yeah i know...
dr as bday is the 12th so i guess we will celebrate after mn. last yr he got all sappy that we rememebered his bday.
me.. ill see if i can be well not in there when it goes down cuz im 'too busy'
i used to do that all the time at my other job too. oh ill watch the floor guys you enjoy. people here laugh at me.. whatever if soemshit goes down - well ill be happy that ill be on the floor and i cant be responsible for everyone else going to a break room to eat. as long as im out on the floor.. im doing the right thing.
yeah i feel like maybe today is a more mellow 9/11 day. then again i havent been up o rinvolved in it like i have been for all the yrs before where id have to be downtown and people would be there in throngs and thered be these huge memorials. i feel kind of removed.. and people out here dont seem as.... heartbroken.
i feel like it happened yesterday and then again like it was a 100 yrs ago soemhow. we knew people who died there luckily not family but my dad was friends with a few people and i worked with a nurse who lost her 2 sons - her only children - one was cantor fitzgerald and the other was in the other tower - and how she searched fro them with her husband at the nearby hospitals hoping they couldnt rememebr or they were too ill soemhow to say who they were. they never found either of them. or any piece.
so i guess im lucky. very lucky to not have a loss l,ike that. i couldnt even imagine. i guess that still teaches you not to put all your eggs in one basket. 2 brothers shudnt be on the same army platoon etc. makes sense to me.
i still feel sad though.
i rememeber the day to an extents at least snippets. certain things are vivid. i guess the rest you forget.
well i have to get ready for work.
I seem to be all over the place in my job. Sorry I was not able to get to you sooner but had to travel to Baltimore. I have to speak at a conference. And, as you read this you will notice that it skips around a lot. I do not get it. It was intact and then some paragraphs moved. You can still read it of course but my signature, such as ir is, is more in the middle than the end now.
I do not want to try to give you a "what for" on throwing the paper out. You made a decision and that is that. What is an issue is the fact that you are so hard on yourself over this. And, Peter is not going to change his mind about you. He already has a vision of who he thinks you are and this is not going to alter that. Frankly, unless a whole lot of things fall together in a certain way this is not going to go anywhere at all. I really do not feel that this is going to go very far. Really
9/11 was something we will never forget. I know I will not. Cantor was the hit sight of the one plane wasn't it? Most of those people were cremated by the heat. Still, losing both children like that is so terrible. It is like Saving Private Ryan or something. I cannot imagine what it was like for all of you there, right there. Ot was personal for all of us, but so much more intimate and painful for those in NY.
Tell me how it goes Liz....Any word from ConEd? How is the baby? Steven
You are right about the computer flag. That is an oversight that relies too much on human memory and protocol. If it flagged that it was "paper" this would be much more simple. And who uses paper any more? I don't. Charts are either electronic or hard copy prints from electronic where needed. No one looks for the paper stuff anymore as a primary. In most cases that is ignored totally and the computer rules all.
You should protest the dump job and no one can say that you are not kept crazy busy there. I wonder sometimes how you can do all that you do there and keep it together; it is way too, too multitask oriented, at a complex level, with people's lives in the balance no less. How on earth can you keep that all straight? A
nd of course you can handle a step down patient. The only one who doubts that is those you create in your conversation by saying that they might think you are incapable. You are not, and I doubt people feel you are a bad nurse in any way. Since you have been at this new place you have done a wonderful job, so much so Peter wanted to keep you where you were. That is not a negative on you. In fact, it speaks to your ability to do well being that he knows you are a stablizing factor in the schedule and in your performance. Aside from your joking (and that is just you) you cause no waves for him.
hey steve. just so you know, i didnt throw the paper out. i said to colleen i wudve. and she said me too. and then she said thats b/c shes shady. personally the paper may or may not been there. .. you dont know. anyone can write a paper and back date it. and now its there and nsg is standing there with its dick in its hands. no i did not look in the chart. but.. well he cudve written it in the am threw it in there.. and well thats it. cover his ass.
cantor had every employee die. and her other son was in the other tower he was an architect... high up also above the plane hits. i dont know if u had heard but a son of a firefighter was stuck and got thru to his dad. he called to ask what shud they do? theyre above the plane hit. he told everyone to go ot the roof helicopters would come b/c thats what is equipped for such hi rise rescues for ny. they have special trucks but after 20or 30 floors they rescue from above. anyway all of them went to the top of the roof, and the smoke was so thick fdny couldnt get there. they died of course and the father was devastated and said he felt it was all his fault, his son came to him for help. and that maybe they wudve made it out trying to get down instead of waiting for help that nev er came. i personally think the father was right and you have to hedge ur bets.. but im sure he cant live with the guilt.
as for peter.. well i feel hes kept me stuck not advancing. i only worked the last 2 nites in diff areas due to circumstances out fo his control. like talking charge inot letting me be in triage. and the switch with terri - bully nurse. shes kinda grown on me. shes a nice girl with a good heart. and btw shes considered trained for critical areas where as i am not.. just thought youd appreciate the irony there...
peters keeping me where i am on nights b/c im preg and he thinks hes not wasting the position on day swith me. then hell have another day shift nurse out and most of the preg nurses are day shift. it was me jen and the girl with the fetal demise. on days theres 4 nurses preg.
im hoping no one will "see' the missed drug administration. so far nothing has been said. to me that means the physician didnt say anything. now its the chart audit.
we can hope.. ..
i am still playing my taking over for linda and having to place 5 h/l on pts she had already and all the missed meds and me trying to fix the whole mess. the pt wouldve missed a ton of stuff if i didnt agree to doing it.
i cudve burned linda - she didnt write in the chart that she endorsed 6pm meds. i always write anything i have to pass on.. anwyay i couldve left them all and been like.. oh i dont know.. not my time...
the baby seems fine. hes kicking around.. and no news from con ed.
I now understand the situation with the paper. Still, it was one of those things. You made a choice. It could have gone wither way and I think you should trust the fact that despite the risk to you, you did what you thought was right. I think there would be a certain self satisfaction in doing that, despite the risks to you.
I can't tell if you feel good or guilty or both about the fact that Bully Nurse had a horrific night, after she switched with you. And it is so weird that she has a higher credential than you when it comes to certain emergency process. She seems like a mini doctor death.
The gum girl sounds like psych issue to me, a somatoform disorder to be precise. I do not think gum would cause such a feeling...But I have to ask. What is the deal with you and dr b holding hands? That is the third or fourth time you have mentioned that behavior. I cannot picture many circumstances where you would need that level of comfort. I mean it is not like there is a hurricane or tornado outside of the building or an armed man. I know your hands fit well, but really? Hand holding? Does that not seem a bit out of the ordinary to you? Just saying, that seems so odd. I know the patient was aggressive and pushed your back with his finger but why would dr b hold your hand? I realize he was all sappy and boyish and so on with the "Liz protect me stuff"...but really hand holding strikes me as really unusual.
How mature is the place that you work??? Not very obviously. A boob cake? Are people crazy? All it will take is one complaint about a sexist comment or interpreted act that is sexual in nature and employment could end. And if this goes on with dr b there will be a real potential for this outcome as people now know about this type of thing. Wow. I cannot get my head around that. That is something that maybe a frat house might do, but a 30 something doctor? No way...what are people thinking? I guess they are not.
I am not sure how to take the comment that was made about you comparing to Alexis. It certainly does not sound like a complement. She is trashy and wild and dr b says that you remind him of her. My gosh that does not too good. Are you offended? I would be.
I do think dr b wants to be in love but does not know how to get that closeness. I think he confuses sex with intimacy. He sounds lonely too and that attitude about take it or leave it relationship is just a protective mechanism. He does want to find someone who would really care about him but cannot open up to that degree. He has been hurt by someone before.
The whole Twin Towers 9/11 thing was horrible and continues to be. There is no doubt in my mind that guilt and regret will permeate many families who had those last second calls to relatives who were trapped. The firefighter who gave the wrong advice to his son. That would go to an emotional guilt level like nothing else.
Peter is, well...I will hod my tongue. He just is not a good manager, plays favorites and games and is not wise in terms of personnel and evaluation. I am not sure how he keeps his job. When you have the baby, maybe it is time as soon as things stabilize, to look for something else, either by schedule or by employer or both.
Linda owes you, big time. Remind me if I am ever in NY and need a nurse not to go to Terri or Linda. I would like to live. Steven (We need a new thread)
so how dare you go out of town when theres tittie cakes to be dealt with? i mean come on...
i feel kind of guilty what i did to terri not knowingly of course, but i also feel like thank god it didnt happen to me to. thats my honest feeling. she told me id be sitting all nite or soemthing in clinic but there were all philopeno nurses out in the triage so they banged me up with pts who ended up getting f**king admitted. not cool.
as far as terri being higher than me. yeah.
dont know. she is there longer than me. at that facility - not a nurse longer than me. she was a paramedic and paramedics have diff skill sets. and ive noticed anyone who makes the leap never leaves the paramedic skill set which is why she doesnt make the connections i feel i do. i dont know if its that when they goto nsg school its like.. oh i know this and theyre not engaged...? or they cant learn new tricks? like theyre already set with the way they practice...?
oh i was so pissed when he stood behind me and said liz protect me after that guy put his hands on me. i told him like ... youre making me feel unattracted to you... it was def true. he takes my hand. i dont usually take his hand. and soemtimes he does this and im kinf od unaware... i know thats weird, but ill realize he has my hand and not notice the initializing of it. i know he takes it though b/c i dont make a move for it.
you thought him boyish to hide behind me? i found it so annoying i was like ok get away from me. i almost said it too. (yes im that forward.)
i cannot blame a dr for bringing in the boob cake. one of the female admissions chicks made it and brought it. go figure...
and now dr b wants...soemthing to top the boobs.
he is turning 40....
dr b didnt compare me to alexis. he said he was like her. and then he said imay be like him in the sense ive never been in love. i corrected him that i have been in love. i know this.
i dotn know how true it is that he doesnt have love. i think its that hes a rational male ... and i unfortunately.. well i feel the same thing. i feel as you grow and mature... well.. how can i say this without being hardened and callous? i love rob. and i would be very hurt if he left. and i do want to stay with him. but my world wouldnt end if he left. i know this.
i used to have that "love" - that i didnt think id be able to go on if i didnt have tmm1. (where the hell is he btw?)
or this guy joe my 1st love whe n i was 19. i just loved him. and... well fall always reminds me of him. our romance was summer fall.. and the smell in the air even reminds me of all the fun we had..
(btw fall is the height of tourism in ny for a reason... and to coem for christmas.. to see the rockettes... and to go to broadway play and see the tree... i could have 4 or 5 days planned for you that would blow you rmind with fun in ny...)
so dr b to me.. is just like the worlds not going to end if this girl leaves.. i dont blame him. hes practical and sees all sorts of stressful life ending things... and were not interested in anything no tlife ending so the res tis all bullshit to him (and me..)
jen was out with kim
(yeah i know..) it was work thing a ceremony for yrs of service. so kim is an administrator so she sat with her.. anyway kim was all piss and vinegar about dr b.
so jen says well i tried to protect her. i said look they need to make their own mistakes. so she said he would never like her. shes not pretty. (kims not. ;(...
so i said look dr b didnt say im not going out wiht her b/c shes not pretty. he went out with her. it didnt work out. it happens. so she says well he didnt have to lead her on. i said XXXXX XXXXX didnt have to be all crazy and not understand social clues. i mean if the guys not like lets go out again.. well wtf. i mean if he came out and sai dlook i dont like you , hed be a scumbag. he didnt say that so hes a scumbag. i dont think he did anyhthing wrong really.
thats why you let guys call you. otherwise youre putting yourself out there. and we all know that men (no matter ho wbusy) will find a way to call (even before texting and facebook i dated..) if they had to shoot up the bat signal. call from a pay phone. those f**ks soemhow got in touch to meet up with you. jen laughed and said ok liz....
am i wrong?
ah if u come to ny.. well i better be your nurse. or better yet dont need a nurse.
rob bought me godivas yest...
and we got a new laptop. i or soemhow broke the last one and i hate using the desktop. so annoying.
its sitting in the box waiting for rob to set it up.
ps dont tell me that you dont want a boob cake for your bday.. come on now.
Sorry to tell you: I think I can pass easily on the boob cake. I don't really think that since I was about 14 years old that, that sort of thing appealed much. I wonder sometimes if you work with Dougie Howser and crew. How old are these people? 30's? Minus 15 years I think.
I kind of thought that you would feel a bit guilty about what happened to Terri. It of course could not have been your fault as you had no idea her station would be like that. And if you did you would never had let her go. That is just you. You would say you would and then you would do it.
I totally agree with you that the paramedic training is a huge influence on medical insight. Compared to a nurse they are totally different training regimes and there is an insight and medical diagnostic aspect to nurses that is not there with the patch em up and let em live attitude of the EMS types. That is similar to social workers and counselor skill sets in my field. Some can not make the transition to therapist easily as they are different functions. I would imagine that Terri will always struggle with the deeper insight and connection parts of nursing.
Hand holding is something that in a professional to professional role should only occur in terms of verbal hand holding. The real thing...is he nuts? I don't care how much comfort he needs to give or receive. That is an unwise move and violates so many parts of a harassment free workplace that it isn't funny. I know his cultural background supports it, but who cares? It is really a not so bright move on his part.
I think boyish was my best words to describe cowardice. What else can I say. That was really not very attractive. I hope the building doesn't burn and he uses the pregnant nurses as step stools for a window exit. I mean I like the guy, but he has big mommy issues.
He wants something to top boobs for his 40th? That is a difficult task maturity wise. How about some maturity and class? Would that top it? I think it might.
I am not sure if I can see that Dr b is simply acting as a male as far as the no love thing. True, feelings modify and flatten as we grow older. But to say he is a man and that is why he is not able to be in love. Nah. Love is an action that results in feelings and thoughts. I think he is protected and scared to really be open. I would bet a lot on it.
And he seems himself like the slutty Alexis? What? And he sees yo and him in comparison to never being in love? How or why would he say that? You have been deeply in love before. And you have a mature love now with Rob. And although I hear you about your ability to leave Rob with just a bit of issue...I kind of doubt it would be all that simple. I think you feel more deeply than you realize.
You would have to do a lot to get me to go to crowded NY. I can't bear crowds. So, telling me it is the height of tourist season is not going to have be running for JFK or LGA or even Islip. Four or five days of bow my mind fun huh? You would have to be a heck of a planner to get that reaction out of me in NY.
Dr b was very "male" with Kim. He tried to see what it would be like, and was not interested. He could have handled it a bit better maybe, but he was well within the parameters of what a guy might do if he was not interested. If he wanted to be with her he would have made that very clear. Men find ways to make contact when they want to.
But, she is, as you said, easily hurt. Her looks, while not great, are not a break it deal with many men. She just needs to find the right guy and dr b is not that guy. I don't think he even knows who he is the right guy for...he is confused and a think a bit on the feeling sorry for himself side. She should be happy she is not with him. He, while not a jerk, is not the best guy for many right now. At least not until he gets his act together a little more.
Yeah, how about I do not need a nurse...at all. That is a better idea.
A new laptop? That is fun. It is not that hard to set up. Why would you need to wait for Rob? I know he is an engineer but you are a smart cookie and laptop set up isn't that hard! C'mon Liz. Take a risk and open that box. Steven
man... your poor wife. how does she get your attention? i have to admit.. i use my boobs. gets rob everytime. good to distract him....
thank god for them. i wouldnt be where i am in this life...
ok then again maybe i f**ked myself over.
i wudnt have let terri take the team if i had any idea. thats the truth. she wudve insisted she do it if we knew cuz shes like ur 7 months preg n is actually been one of the kindest to me for all of my preg in all my jobs. thats y i came to relieve her n i told her i got ur back. n if terri ever needs me i got her back. id cover up or whatever i cud do.
dr b n his cowardice... see? youre so professional cuz i called him a pussy. he said he was joking. i sure hope so. the time we went to his car he opened the door for e so maybe he was just trying to be as funny as me.
tough for him since im so witty. lol. and pretty and younger. i have to throw that in to twist the knife on him.
i do know he was kidding.. i think it may have been a little bit of jealousy that dr a had all this done for him. so i think that was his.. hey dont forget me insecurity. i will make sure somethings done for him. n... if he says about the cake im going to tell him how a mature man like him doesnt need such a silly immature thing like a boob cake and we think better of him. (twist the knife on dr a a little..)
alexis likes to party. i think he likes that. but shes 10 yrs or more younger. hes past that in his life. can we all say midlife crisis?
i smiled when he said i wasnt in love. i dont need to prove i have been in love before. i think that the media, books, movies tv give these crazy accounts of love that are ovrer the top. people throw themselves on bombs n stop other people weddings and have sex in the craziest ways. and then ur standing there like... geez he didnt even bring me flowers. prick. i wish like every friday i got flowers. really nice ones. but we cant afford the expense. but i would love that. its not overstated. but.. when its routine its also feels routine so maybe its better to be a surprise.
i was just trying to impress upon him its not like that. and as it goes on its def not like that. it was only a few minutes.. so i didnt have long to express myself and he caught me off guard. what can i say? i do have a soft spot for him. i think hes not malicious (thats huge to me. if i think youre malicious i have no feelings for you at all...) and i think yes he has his flaws. but i wish i knew agirl to set him up with. hes a good catch. he tells me all the time oh liz if you were single... but he doesnt seem to mind im married either which i tell him. he has said things about rob whom i dont really talk about.. and theres no pics of.. but he has seemed to built rob up to be a huge guy whom hes not willing to f**k with. hes made comments to other drs not to f**k with me cuz rob will f**k them up.
lookm i admit i love rob. i want all my children with him. i told him that. (i refuse to have baby daddies. f**ka ll that. he laughs when i say that. and i want full siblings. and hes a good guy and i produced a great child with him already. shes smart and pretty and funny. i cant complain.)
but i also know rob cud leave. and id have to be able to deal with it. and i know i cud. itd be hard. but id get over it. ill tell u i admit id hope itd happen sooner rather than later as its easier as a younger woman to move on. and yes im looking at that coldly and realistically. guys dont want old chicks sorry they dont. and to start over much older.. well f**k that. you may just not. i wouldnt want to have to be alone by not my choice. if he left me now. i cud get myself fixed up enuff id be worth it to another guy even with small children. and dr b wud prob 1st on my hit list but u knew that i was going to say that already.
kim. look if a guy doesnt find you hot.. its pretty terminal. girls can get over that. i didnt find dr b super hot. and other women there have said that too. but they find him cuter now and thats his personality.
and kim needs to like grow up and yes it hurts i never liked if a guy didnt call me again. but.. it is what it is. my god.
she pushed it so hard its crazy. ive pushed hard in this life for i want but ive realized soemtimes its not worth it. and youre betgter off with whatever comes of it.
dr b is really ok. he needs a challenge. and she needs to be what everyone is looking for. smart sexy sweet and a challenge. he needs to be on his toes. he does need to be whipped inot shape... figuratively. ok maybe literally too. hed like it. lol
look let rob set up the laptop. and he did last night. and he was super sweet to me. and i love the laptop. i got it on easy pay of $84 for 6 months from qvc. its a dell it cost $585 about and i love it. its big and nicer than any weve ever had. and im happy with it.
are you traveling home?
i think were going to sesame place tomorrow. i feel bad kate hasnt had any fun since i had been on bedrest. and its cooler out so i think shed have a good time...
ps i dont live in islip. i live in wantagh. its nicer. :) and i do think ny youd have a blast. if u like ny quiet. summer is the time to come. its alot quieter in the city. and i swear no matter when u came ud have a good time. im a good party planner/ activities director.
and pss rob if i call him a pussy says..well you are what you eat...
Sorry for not being on JA. I have a kid's birthday to celebrate and it was taking a good deal of my time up...kids are expensive and time hogs! Why do we have them? lol
My wife can get my attention in a million ways. I am not difficult in that way...But you "owe it all to your assets"...well, okay; but I think there is a lot more to you than just that, right? I know you are joking but still, don't down play your intelligence and wit and creativity.
Terry is an oyster personality. That is, a person who looks really rough on the outside but has pearls inside. She can be a good support to you at times, and has been. She may not have a lot of polish, but she is a decent sort. I know there is no way you would have let her work that assignment if you had any clue it was going to be rough. You both seem to look out for each other and friends at that place, you need them. It is too hard otherwise.
I have no doubt that dr b has some mom issues. He acts it, totally. And the saying, me thinks thou protests too much (not exact but close) is an interesting reference to his cowering behind you. I mean think about it. There are lots of choices as far as potential action in that situation, yet he uses humor to make it seem like he is not afraid. I think he was. Not that I think he is a bad guy, but I do feel he has more unresolved things (psychological) going on than meets the eye.
Dr b is creating a Rob "monster" in his mind to keep him honest with you. It is common enough in men. As long as he feels, real or not, that he is unable to get to you in any physical emotional way because you are protected by this imposing and hulking man dr b is safe. Yes, I do think that if you were single he would be very interested in you, and probably the opposite as well. But as you both are not in that position, each uses ways to keep the other at an acceptable distance. It works, sexual tension and teasing and occasional mean comment combined.
You won't find a woman for him. He would not let you. But he eventually will settle. He isn't a bad sort and it is easy to see that he wants to settle down.
I do often wonder how you see your marriage. Is it that you were hurt so much that you do not feel that you can let your guard down and not plan for the worst? Of course Rob could leave, and a billion other things could happen too... But you do love him, and I know that it would not be simple for you to leave him or for him to leave you. I have noticed that you often talk about your marriage as it it has one foot on a banana peel and another on a slippery rock. It is not really like that, is it? What would it take for you to accept this marriage as more lasting and permanent?
Kim has some attachment issues and is blaming dr b for some things that are hers to own. He is not that horrible and he was not an ogre. But she too uses defenses and as long as he is the evil one, she doe snot have to face her insecurity and pain.
Don't tell dr b about the needing to be whipped into shape thing. I think he would lose work focus. lol
I love new laptops! Your Dell sounds nice. And it was sweet of Rob to set it all up. Plus it makes things so much easier when you have a new laptop that is quick and easy to use. That is quite an easy pay method you got.
I am home now. I am glad to be back and I did not like this trip too much. Baltimore is filled with people who have an odd edge to them. Very different than other people I have met. They remind me of people from Reno, the worst city I have ever visited.
You haven't talked about sesame place in a while. I know Kate loves it there. I hope you have/had a good time. I only know Isip because I have flow into the airport a few times and had a seminar close by at a hotel. Islip is okay, but not great. I hated the fact that the planes from Philly are all propeller planes (most of them) that go there. Yuk... I have heard Rob's comment before. He needs to be more original. lol
hope u had a good bday party.
i have had some huge parties as u know... its a huge amt of time. no one seems to apprecite it.. so i dont plan on doing it again.
look i m not saying i cant get robs attention in different ways. i could yell that the house is on fire. or i could punch him in the groin. i could give birth in the living room...
but i digress.
as far as dr b, i told him not to go in there. and security was there and said theyd go in there with him. dr b went in and the guy was an ass but just nasty. so i think the pt was a big tough guy for a woman and when men come around... well not so much. guess he doesnt like a fair fight.
dr b and kim actually are 2 people i have both heard from them that they had absolutely wonderful great childhoods. theyre close and love their families and have no complaints as far as all that crap goes.
ive actually felt a little jealous hearing that.
i mean its the way its supposed to be, so theyre not lucky really. theyre just normal.
oh well so much for me being normal. then again no one really ever thought i was normal.
i dont feel rob is running out the door. otherwise i (maybe, maybe not..) wouldnt have another baby with him. well thats not true. i might have the child to have my 2 children so i dont have to worry i only had the one child.
i am commited to him and have no plans to leave. as far as rob, i dont think he has any plans. but... who actually knows?
he has told me he plans to stay forever. i havent asked recently..
i guess i could ask, but.. well if hes going to leave well i guess let it be a surprise.
anyway we all know it happens. that spouses break up.
so i just like knowing in my head, ok.. i could do this myself. itd be hard. im not saying it wouldnt be but i wouldnt give up my kids and i could see me having to deal with well being ok. and doing it myself. i know i have to be self reliant. is it bad to say i dont want to be co dependent? i mean i admit i am. rob does tasks that i dont do..
we havent gone to sesame place since last yr. with us going to disney we didnt nd then i was on bedrest... anyway kate had fun and went on the kiddie roller coasters. and down these big covered slides and i was her personal fast pass by waiting on line soem behind them and then she would get to go 2x.. i cant go but id give up my car for them and get off the line.
so shed wait once and get 2 rides out of it. thr sesame place people were fine with it. normally i would ride so she went with each of us, but since im too preg now.. i told them and they said no problem.
she met abby and elmo... and... we had a good time with the usual minor scuffs.
anyway new thing kate does.. i havent noticed a pattern.. but she now turns into a puppy. yep. she barks and makes little hi pitched noises a nd pants.. and she wont respond to kate, you have to call her puppy. i do and i dont really give her any attention over it or tell her like dont do that.. i think shes just playing/ her imagination.. but it just started happening all of a sudden...
I don't think that unless a person does it firsthand that anyone realizes the amount of work that goes into a birthday party. From the cleaning to the cake to the decorating and the cleanup it is a major endeavor. And, It makes me cranky just thinking about it. I am with you. Once you have experienced a few, the rest can be farmed out to a place that does them or they can go private, with no guests.
I suppose any one of those methods that you list could get Rob's attention. But each has it's own hazards don't you think? The house on fire one has me thinking...
Just because one thinks that t they had a great childhood does not mean that one escaped from emotional baggage. There are lots of men and women who describe childhood as idyllic and wonderful. They are as messes up as those who came from an abusive background. It is really hard to say. Although they may love their families, that does not mean that the family isn't;t a mess. We ignore and forgive much in families and not many can see what they went through as clearly as you can.
I am glad that you are not skipping out on Rob so soon. It might be a good idea to stick around...lol But you do have an unusual way of talking about the marriage ending..almost like you can plan for it, or know that you could make it on your own. Of course with what you went through in your family I can see why you may have felt so vulnerable and have a need to develop a back-out plan.
Sesame place sounds great, even if you could not ride the rides.
Kate has entered preoperational stage thinking! That is great. She is now going to be a lot of things. Have fun with this. I loved that stage and it goes away far too quickly. A puppy on command? Wonderful.
We need a new post. Steven
hi steve. i will start a new question/ post...