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Ask Coach Jen K. Your Own Question

Coach Jen K.
Coach Jen K., LCSW, CPC
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1776
Experience:  Licensed Master Social Worker. Certified Life Coach
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why do i feel bad about my girlfriend ffingering herself and

Customer Question

why do i feel bad about my girlfriend ffingering herself and cumming in about 10 mins when i only came close and i was at an hour?a and i know she knows her "G-spot" and all that but it really got to me and now i cant even think about sex with her cause all i think about is her doing it better and faster than i can! help please!!!!

Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Coach Jen K. replied 2 years ago.

CoachJenK :

Hi. Welcome. I am a Licensed Master Social Worker with more than 20 years experience working with individuals and families on a variety of issues.

CoachJenK :

I think you have put so much pressure on yourself that it has interfered with the naturalness of it all. I would suggest taking away the goal of orgasm and make the goal about feeling good and enjoying the time together.


 

CoachJenK :

Be open with her and ask her if there are things you can do differently.


 

CoachJenK :

As best you can, I would try not to take it personally as knowing her own body and allowing herself to please herself may feel easier than to fully let go and relax with you but that may have nothing to do with you and your abilities.


 

CoachJenK :

I will wait for you to come online so we can talk about it.


 

CoachJenK :

hi


 

Customer:

hello


 

CoachJenK :

I know it is tough not to personalize it so talk to her and ask her if she can tell you what the difference is for her so that you can work with that


 

CoachJenK :

you okay?


 

Customer:

I will, i mean she told me i was doing everything right and really good but it didnt happen and all i can think about is her just doing it herself because i couldnt get her there

Customer:

and yes im ok it just REALLY got to me and i know its prob really dumb


 

CoachJenK :

i think as best you can to take some pressure off that your goal is to only make her feel really good and if orgasm happens thatn great and if it doesnt then at least you still made her feel wonderful


 

CoachJenK :

its not dumb. i am glad you are talking about it because


it has got you down

Customer:

yes it does i havent slept in two days cause of this


 

CoachJenK :

as you know it can be harder for a woman to have an orgasm than a man but that doesnt mean she isnt feeling great and connected to you.


 

CoachJenK :

removing some of the pressure can be helpful and maybe try other methods so that you can both feel free and easy about it


 

CoachJenK :

ask her what she thinks of when she is pleasing herself? She may use some fantasy in her mind and if you are comfortable with that you can talk to her and use some fantasy as well as that can be exciting and very helpful. would you be open to that?


 

Customer:

yeas i would be open to that but she watches porn and i honestly dont watch it, so that also messed with my head a little bit


 

CoachJenK :

I understand. I can hear how upsetting this is which really tells me that you have put so much pressure on yourself. try an dreduce that pressure and the end goal and try to just enjoy.


 

CoachJenK :

If she watches porn then that may tell us that she needs a lot of mental stimulation in order to have an orgasm so if you are comfortable to use some fantasy talk then it could help...but only if you are comfortable as I would never suggest you do something that does not feel right for you.


 

CoachJenK :

I am sure though that this has nothing to do with your skills and more to do with her needing some intense stimulation form a visual or mental standpoint around sexuality.


 

CoachJenK :

does that make sense?


 

Customer:

yeah I understand where your coming from

CoachJenK :

ok and again only if you are okay with it all...you need to be comfortable too


 

Customer:

yeah comfort is key, and I am also used to girls that just dont pleasure them selfs at all


 

CoachJenK :

yes so that can even cause some disturbance in your mind for you as maybe you enjoy a girl that is a bit more conservative and reserved in this area.


 

Customer:

it just makes me feel un-manly i guess, and that makes sense. you also have to know that this girl is 2 years older than me and has had twice as many partners


 

CoachJenK :

I hear you and i have to say that i dont hear you as unmanly...I hear a wonderful young man wanting to have a great connection with her on all levels.


 

CoachJenK :

Compatibility is a big thing in a relationship and it can take some time to develop in this area for the two of you.


 

CoachJenK :

I also think that if you have these ideas in your mind about how many partners she has had, her watching porn then that can lend itself from you feeling disconnected so as best you can try and let some of that go, but if you cant then you may need to look at your compatibility with her.


 

Customer:

ok so your saying that i need to not put so much pressure on that end goal of an orgasm and just enjoy making us both feel good, and we have been together for two months and everything has been fine the sex, just everything! lol we hit it off from the second i sat down next to her and its been nothing but uphill happiness ever since and i am starting to get true deep feeling for her!!!


 

CoachJenK :

EXACTLY! you have it all right.


 

CoachJenK :

sometimes as we develop stronger feelings too then these insecurities can come up....just know that you are a great man and let things just roll with ease as they have been.


 

Customer:

Gosh i dont know really how to thank you!!!!! honestly i really think you saved my relationship

CoachJenK :

and you can come to me anytime to talk more or process anything you need to.


 

CoachJenK :

you are sweet. It is my pleasure.


 

CoachJenK :

Please take a moment to click on the rating tab. my goal is EXCELLENT


 

CoachJenK :

I want you to say to yourself....who cares if she has an orgasm...i want her to feel good and so do i. be soft and gentle and loving. That is the best way to connection.


 

Customer:

before i go is there away i can reffer you if i ever needed help again

CoachJenK :

if you need me again just type for coachJenK at the beginning of your question and it will come to me.


 

CoachJenK :

once you click on the rating tab you will get a copy of our time together so you dont have to remember anything


 

Customer:

ok thanks again you were really a huge help, and you are deff getting an excellent rating!!

CoachJenK :

take great care


 

Customer:

you too

CoachJenK :

thank you so much.


 

Coach Jen K., LCSW, CPC
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1776
Experience: Licensed Master Social Worker. Certified Life Coach
Coach Jen K. and 2 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you

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