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Dr. Rossi
Dr. Rossi, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 4627
Experience:  PsyD, LPC, CHt
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i been married for 16 yrs and i fell in love with someone else.

Resolved Question:

i been married for 16 yrs and i fell in love with someone else. i don't want to loose my husband but i know am not in love with. i don't know what to do.
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. Rossi replied 2 years ago.

Dr. Rossi :

Hi,


How long have you been in love with this other individual? Are you seeing one another?

Dr. Rossi :

Partners who have been together for a while, after the initial stage of feeling in love enter a routine. As each partner gets to know more about the other, the need to impress decreases. Familiarity can seem as complacency. This is often confused as "not being in love" anymore.

Customer:

a little more than a yr.


 

Dr. Rossi :

Are you planning on separating from your husband?

Dr. Rossi :

Even though you said that you're not in love with him,


the feeling of being in love can be re-created.

Dr. Rossi :

It's largely as a result of thoughts/perception, brain chemistry and hormones i.e. serotonin, adrenaline, oxytocin, etc.

Customer:

he wount leave


 

Dr. Rossi :

He won't leave his partner?

Customer:

no. sorry. i meant to say he wount leave me.


 

Customer:

he never showed me aaffecting


 

Dr. Rossi :

So he is not married? What is keeping you together aside from physical intimacy? Do you have many things in common (traits, goals)?

Dr. Rossi :

Just to make sure this is about your partner not husband.

Customer:

and for many ye i was the one always showing him always making the first move


 

Customer:

oh.


 

Customer:

sorry i thought it was about my husband


 

Dr. Rossi :

How do the two individuals differ?

Dr. Rossi :

Also, if you've thought about this- what do you want to happen?

Customer:

night and day


 

Customer:

we have a 15 yr ol


 

Dr. Rossi :

And you have more things in common w/ your partner and not your husband?

Dr. Rossi :

What do you fear? Is there a possible future w/ this other person if you decide to separate from your husband?

Customer:

good kid . i dont want to hurt him. and if i seperate from his father i will loose him


 

Customer:

yes . everything.


 

Dr. Rossi :

You've been married for 16 y. How do you see your life during the next 16+ y? Your son is a teen. He's not a small child and his reaction to a separation would differ. It would also depend on how you and his father handle it.

Customer:

true


 

Dr. Rossi :

Eventually your son would become an adult and live his own life.

Customer:

my husband is sick hes been sick for a while now and i feel trap


 

Dr. Rossi :

Is there any annimosity b/w you and your husband, emotional conldness, lack of physical affection?


 

Dr. Rossi :

Does your husband know about the other person?

Customer:

he just come out from the hospital. he was in there for 5 weeks. they had to cut hes toe . hes diabetic


 

Dr. Rossi :

Have you indicated to your husband how you feel? Besides him not wanting to leave you, what is going on b/w the two of you as far as interaction?

Customer:

yes . i told him i had fallen in love with someone else


 

Dr. Rossi :

Do you feel that you have to stay married because of guilt and because of fearing how your son would react? If those were not factors, what would you want to do?

Customer:

my case is not a normal one dr.


 

Dr. Rossi :

Everyone's case is unique.

Dr. Rossi :

What is it that you're wanting some feedback on?

Customer:

let me tell u a lil bit more so u get a clear picture of what your dealing with


 

Dr. Rossi :

Sure


 

Customer:

my brother was murder last yr. my only brother


 

Customer:

he was 18yrs old. my life changed for ever


 

Customer:

and with that change i started to see alot of things different for what they really are.


 

Customer:

one of those was my marriage and the lack of love in it.


 

Customer:

i looked deep in side me and saw a


 

Customer:

a person that i didn't know. that wasn't me. so i dicided to save me.


 

Customer:

and i did. well at least that what i thought


 

Customer:

i stoped putting my self last and paid attention to me first


 

Customer:

and i felt alive for the first time in many many yes.


 

Customer:

years.


 

Customer:

and thats when i meet elvis


 

Dr. Rossi :

But this must of changed (thinking about saving yourself) at some point because now you're concerned about your husband's health and your son's reaction? And it is this that causes you confusion and distress?

Customer:

he was just my friends friend


 

Customer:

yes. once again i been sent to the back of the line.


 

Customer:

my husband knows elvis.


 

Customer:

elvis got married in january . i knew he was going to marry .


 

Dr. Rossi :

Are you still seeing one another after his marriage?

Customer:

yes.


 

Customer:

he got divorce last month


 

Dr. Rossi :

Do you feel betrayed in some way by him marrying someone?

Dr. Rossi :

Oh

Customer:

yes. and no


 

Dr. Rossi :

So he realized it was a mistake to have gotten married?

Customer:

yes.


 

Dr. Rossi :

What do you find as the most complicated part of the situation? Just name the first thing that comes to mind.

Customer:

after he married and lost hes home. i felt bad that he was staying IN a motel with hes wife


 

Customer:

so they moved in to my guess room for 2 months.


 

Dr. Rossi :

At that time, did your husband and his wife know about the affair?

Customer:

that everything that starts bad end up bad


 

Customer:

no.


 

Dr. Rossi :

At what point was it known?

Customer:

we werent being together


 

Customer:

then. we would just mess around


 

Dr. Rossi :

I thought you may have mentioned that you fell in love w/ him about a year ago? At what time did a physical intimacy became a part of the relationship?

Customer:

my husband knew from before but . i made him believe that nothing was there


 

Dr. Rossi :

So you're saying that there was nothing going on while they were in your house but that prior to that there had been intimacy. Just making clear I understand.

Customer:

no. nothing ever whent on


 

Customer:

untill the day after they moved out


 

Dr. Rossi :

Where do you stand w/ Elvis now?

Customer:

were in love


 

Customer:

but hes in jail now


 

Dr. Rossi :

Are the two of you seeing one another now?

Customer:

i hurt every day like i hurt when i lost my baby brother.


 

Customer:

yes.


 

Dr. Rossi :

So there is still a relationship going on even though he's in jail. What plans if any have you made for yourself and then for the relationship as a whole?

Customer:

he always told me he felt love for me. but never did say he loved me. until he lived and also worked with me.


 

Customer:

one day he just said it "i love u"


 

Dr. Rossi :

You mentioned that you believe that everything starts bad and ends bad. Do you believe it 100%

Customer:

am in love with you.


 

Customer:

no. i don't.


 

Dr. Rossi :

What do you hope for?

Customer:

but i don't want to find out if am right


 

Dr. Rossi :

You know that nothing in life is 100% bad or good. There are periods that people go through.

Customer:

u think/


 

Customer:

i know elvis is my soul mate . i just feel it in my heart in my mind


 

Dr. Rossi :

I don't just think. I see it everyday

Dr. Rossi :

What makes it better or worse is how one deals w/ it and what is done next

Dr. Rossi :

When is he coming out of jail?

Customer:

my husband change alot with me . he acts like hes happy and loves me but . how can he love me after i told him many times that i was in love with someone alse


 

Dr. Rossi :

Your husband has his own way of dealing w/ this. Perhaps he's able to forgive and give you the benefit of the doubt.

Customer:

october 8 of 2013


 

Dr. Rossi :

What matters now is what you do next.

Dr. Rossi :

You may have thought about this for some time now.

Customer:

and thats where am stuck


 

Dr. Rossi :

Have you looked into having some counseling for yourself and then as a couple? How are you dealing with all of these revelations?

Customer:

honestly


 

Dr. Rossi :

Stuck b/w doing what you want and what you feel is not right for your husband and your son?

Customer:

i know


 

Dr. Rossi :

You realize that you can't live their life. You've got to live yours first. Otherwise, the relationship/marriage may be one of codependency.

Customer:

i use drugs


 

Dr. Rossi :

You won't be happy in the end. Then, you may start to resent your husband.

Customer:

i already do resent him.


 

Dr. Rossi :

Drugs won't bring clarity to you though. Might make it worse seeing things objectively.

Customer:

for so many thing hes donr to me .


 

Dr. Rossi :

Then is your hesitation because of your son primarily?

Customer:

yes.


 

Dr. Rossi :

Doing things for others should not make you their "property"

Customer:

hes a good kid a dont want him to hate me


 

Dr. Rossi :

People do things for one another to be nice. Not necessarily to get something out of it. He's done it for his own reasons. Even if it is out of love.

Dr. Rossi :

Something to think about is that if your son eventually finds out about this, he may develop resentment because you're living not only a double life but lying to yourself. He may become guilty because he's the reason for you to feel stuck.

Customer:

i dont want that


 

Dr. Rossi :

Just because you don't want to stay married does not mean you don't love your son or don't want what is better for him and your husband.

Customer:

i know your right.


 

Dr. Rossi :

Your son may be observing the interaction (marital dynamics) b/w you and his dad and that too is something to think about.

Customer:

but the pain i live with every day just gets bigger and bigger


 

Dr. Rossi :

If you're not happy, you should not pretend or force yourself to become happy to please another person.

Dr. Rossi :

The pain is because of not having made a solid decision to follow through with.

Customer:

at times i think maybe just maybe i still mint feel love for my husband.


 

Dr. Rossi :

Have you worked one on one w/ someone to figure out in depth what to do literally and emotionally?

Dr. Rossi :

There are different kinds of love- platonic, romantic, family love.

Customer:

and there all inportant


 

Dr. Rossi :

You could still feel love (platonic) but not as it should be felt for a husband.

Customer:

i guess am just use to him


 

Dr. Rossi :

Because you're not in love with him, it does not mean that you hate him or don't have any feelings. Afterall, he's the father of your child and you've been together for 16y

Customer:

i was 18 when we got married


 

Dr. Rossi :

People can get used to different things. It is not a reason to stay together. More is needed. So 18 y you know what sort of life you can have w/ him. It does not seem enough for you.

Dr. Rossi :

The past is a decent indicator of how the future would be.

Customer:

not any more


 

Customer:

not for a while.


 

Dr. Rossi :

If your husband loves you, he's not wanting to hold you when you're unhappy. That would be selfish.

Dr. Rossi :

At least you know what your husband is capable of. You know his personality. That does not generally change over time.

Customer:

a huh?


 

Dr. Rossi :

You said not anymore I assume that you don't see the past as a decent indicator of how the future would be. It was mean in regard to your marital life.

Customer:

oh


 

Customer:

am just tired of all that has happend in the last to yrs my whole world had made many turns


 

Dr. Rossi :

What steps are you going to take hence forth to gain clarity into this situation? This is something that would require assistance beyond online consult? You've mentioned several things that you're concerned about. You are the one that can control these turns in life to an extent.

Dr. Rossi :

Otherwise you would only be sitting back and waiting for something to happen.

Customer:

i know now what i have to do


 

Dr. Rossi :

You realize that your love for your husband is not of romantic nature, you're afraid how your son would react yet he is not a child. You also love Elvis and it seems he feels the same.

Customer:

i just wanted to make sure i really had to seek counseling. and i see that i really do


 

Dr. Rossi :

For a start, you may want to address the drug issue. That clouds your judgement and only numbs your feelings.

Customer:

meth is never a good thing


 

Dr. Rossi :

Then, you may have to look deeper into your fear? Are some of the reasons sort of an excuse not to make a decision because you fear that Elvis may hurt you along the way? Then, you'd feel as though you've given up a lot and not having received enough in return?

Dr. Rossi :

Although he ended his marriage.

Customer:

yessss


 

Dr. Rossi :

Counseling is something you use to help yourself. It is a tool.

Dr. Rossi :

The fears are valid. You just can't allow them to pin you down forever.

Dr. Rossi :

Sometimes fears as you know can be irrational.

Dr. Rossi :

As a result of doubt.

Customer:

i have never felt the way i do for elviss for any other


 

Dr. Rossi :

Maybe today you could try to write down on one side what had transpired, how you dealt w/ it and in the next what you really want to happen and what steps you can take towards that.

Dr. Rossi :

It is taking a chance and that is what life generally presents us with. Chances.

Customer:

we connect like


 

Dr. Rossi :

At least you've met someone you've got strong feelings for.

Customer:

it sure does.


 

Customer:

because let me tell u


 

Dr. Rossi :

Try not to think of yourself as in limbo. Rather, think and see yourself on a path.

Customer:

i feel so alive


 

Dr. Rossi :

love can do that

Customer:

but then am around my husband and i feel cold and dark and loonely


 

Dr. Rossi :

and that is why you can think of changing that and taking charge.

Customer:

i know this mint sound crazy.


 

Customer:

but maybe am better off with out both


 

Customer:

its going to hurt but at least i'll have my son


 

Dr. Rossi :

Unless something is done differently by you, you'd remain in the same limbo. You will have your son, yourself, your friends, etc.

Customer:

i mean i know for sure that i will never love my husband the way i know am capable of loving. like i do with elvis


 

Dr. Rossi :

These are 2 different individuals. You can't feel guilty for how you love. Love is love.

Customer:

and am afraid of elvis not loving me after


 

Dr. Rossi :

At least you've realized this. Once again, what you fear may never happen. Even when you fear it, Elvis will do what he wants to do in the end. How is fear serving you?

Customer:

your right . am giving up before i start. right?


 

Dr. Rossi :

yes, it seems that way. it may be habitual reaction to stressful situations.

Customer:

just like am doing now with my husband


 

Dr. Rossi :

exactly

Customer:

i feel better already


 

Customer:

am going to fight for my love


 

Dr. Rossi :

that is what counseling would allow you to do- see things objectively

Customer:

well i dont have to fight for it. i just have to wait for it.


 

Dr. Rossi :

and fight for you life (to feel alive) as you said

Customer:

i hope my son understands


 

Dr. Rossi :

you will help him understand

Customer:

yes i will. and i will ALWAYS be there to help my husband when he needs me.


 

Customer:

i dont hate him.


 

Dr. Rossi :

Of course you don't hate him.

Customer:

i just dont love him like i did yrs ago


 

Dr. Rossi :

You're just two different

Dr. Rossi :

you've grown emotionally apart. It happens.

Customer:

you know


 

Dr. Rossi :

But you've got your son out of the relationship and surely you've had some positve memories made along the way.

Customer:

i always said that thats the saddest thing that could happend to married people


 

Customer:

when one fall out of love


 

Dr. Rossi :

It's all how you see it. If two people are not happy/satisfied, it would be selfish to stay together. It would be living a fake life.

Customer:

because theres nothing the other person can do to make u love them. nothing


 

Dr. Rossi :

true. love is a personal feeling that comes from within.

Customer:

why do all the thing that i didnt want to happend to me happend?


 

Dr. Rossi :

This is how life is. Things happen all of the time to us and around us. You can view those experiences as learning tools.

Customer:

and that was the last thing. marriage and out of love . thank god that my list wasnt to long on what i dont want happening to me


 

Dr. Rossi :

Life is made up of ups and downs. Along the way you find out more about yourself. As you did in this situation.

Customer:

thank you for taking the time to lisen to me.


 

Dr. Rossi :

You can also make things happen for you. Like following your heart and taking chances.

Dr. Rossi :

You welcome

Customer:

this is not easy to talk about to any one.


 

Dr. Rossi :

Not but by talking you get different view points and can use those to move on.

Customer:

i tried to tell one of my sister. and boy did she had a few things to say


 

Dr. Rossi :

You're doing it for yourself. Family or friends may not be the best to share that with. They may not offer objective feedback.

Customer:

and there where all bad . she thinks the worst of me.


 

Dr. Rossi :

She's entitled to her viewpoint. It does not mean she's right.

Customer:

since we been married for so long they cant imagen us apart


 

Dr. Rossi :

She is not the one in your shoes.

Dr. Rossi :

No one walks your walk. All they can do is talk.

Customer:

true . she did en up saying that no matter what i choice she will be on my side . becuase that what sisters do.


 

Dr. Rossi :

good

Customer:

:-)


 

Customer:

ok dr. i have to get ready because am goin gto go see elvis


 

Dr. Rossi :

Just remember that judging is never productive. Whether you judge yourself or others do it to you.

Dr. Rossi :

Take care. Pls remember to rate at the end.

Customer:

and hes about aXXXXXaway


 

Dr. Rossi, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 4627
Experience: PsyD, LPC, CHt
Dr. Rossi and 2 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Dr. Rossi replied 2 years ago.
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