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psychlady
psychlady, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 6886
Experience:  Psychotherapist specializing in the treatment of a variety of mental health issues.
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Hello. Im writing because I am about to leave my husband.

Customer Question

Hello. I'm writing because I am about to leave my husband. We were married six years ago. Shortly into the marriage, I had suspicions that he was having little affairs. He told me that due to my past with men, I was being "overly negative". In 2007, he left his laptop open, and I saw that he was Im'g a girl. I checked the history, and he had been talking with her since we were married in 2006. He was calling her and angel, and asking for her picture. I felt very hurt by this, and began to withdraw more and more from him. In 2009, he left me in a city. It was a little mutual. I needed time to think to myself about my life. -and he did as well. We talked for a few months by phone, but he would mostly talk about bills and how much money I had. I finally got sick of it, and feeling in my heart that he was cheating on me again, I quit all contact with him. We did not talk for three months. Then I had a nervous breakdown and ended up in the hospital. At the time my husband had left me, I had just lost my fifth child by miscarriage. He offered no support really about this, and chose to ignore the fact that I was even getting pregnant by him. Ever since we've been together, he washes himself after intercourse...about three mintues after. He is an overseas professional and I had fears that he was using me. He always became hostile and angry towards me when talking about his status. After he left the house, and left me in the city; war broke out in his hometown. It is still going on today, and he fears for his families safety. When I left the hospital, he told me that he wanted me to live with him again. I moved in with him, and he acted very distant. We did not sleep in the same bed, and he told me to consider the situation, "as roomates". It was terribly hard for me. I had suspicions that he had a mistress. One day I left the house and had forgotten my purse. When I came back (it was 7am) he was on a phone call. The tone of his voice was very caring towards her. He hurried up and got off the phone. He then told me that it was his "friend" and she needed to borrow ten dollars. He told her that he wanted me to meet her. He took me to meet her at the gas station, and the feeling was not a good one. Shortly after that, he asked me to do his laundry. He was persistant, so I agreed. In the bottom of the laundry, I found a pair of womens underwear. I could not help but think that this underwear was about the size of the woman he told me to meet. I decided to take action, I hired someone to trace his online activity. I found out that he had solicited sex on Craigslist with various women, he was watching Porn, and was a member of many "sex websites". He was also talking with a woman over an extended period of time and asking her to talk with him on Skype. I found out, and told her he was married. We tried to work it out, and we filed for divorce; but then he had me convinced that it was all in my head. The woman that was asking for money, was calling his phone leaving messages; and requesting that he meet with her ..that "there were no kids in the house tonight". I found out after I caught my husband, that her phone number had changed. I feel that he told her to do so. In October of last year, my relative died and he was going with me out of the area, it would be a eight hour ordeal. He went with me, but when I checked the phone records of who he was texting in the car..he was talking to her the whole day he was with me. That night he came home and told me that there was a card game at his friends, that he would be leaving. I found a credit receipt where he was with someone at Walmart in another area. It is my suspicions that he was texting with her to meet up that evening. I didn't think anything about it, but I had previously caught him in another lie, and he finally told me that he was at the hospital with her..b/c her son ran away. My husband then left the city again, and we decided to work it out, and that I would forgive him. He left the state for school. I was still left behind and working, I saw the woman in the grocery store before I left with a newborn baby girl. I think this is his child. I finally moved to be with him, and he found an apartment for us. We agreed to work it out once again. When I got here, I realized he was talking with a woman (texting) and was planning to be her roomate. When I checked his phone, he was asking her.."what do you want for breakfast?"...I confronted him again. He has all the financial papers in his name, all the phone records, and has now locked his phone. I have made arrangements to leave. This situation is affecting his school, and even through all of this; I still want the best for him. I have decided to leave. He has become more attentive, and it is confusing me. We are not having sex..and haven't for two years. He does not pass. kiss me. I feel guilty for leaving him when his fam. is in trouble. Can u help?
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  psychlady replied 2 years ago.

It sounds like he has a pattern of infidelity that may persist past when this relationship ends. Usually men who use women and disrespect them have long standing issues and this will continue. That is why leaving for your own sanity and well being may be the only solution. Many times we recommend marriage counseling but his behaivor says that he does not want a healthy relationship between two people. It is most probable that he will move on and treat the next woman exactly the same. His thought process says that women are to be treated in this way irregardless of how much he hurts them. If you want to protect your heart then find a man who respects women and the act of sexual intercourse. It is admirable that you want the best for him but he will get what he wants out of life. This relationship is less than friendship but more emotionally abusive. Focus on yourself and how to move on in a way that is healthy. He will function as he wants to function and any negativity he will cause himself.

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psychlady, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 6886
Experience: Psychotherapist specializing in the treatment of a variety of mental health issues.
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Customer: replied 2 years ago.


Thank you. Another problem is that he blamed his cheating on me being "emotionally absent". In fact I was, but it was because I had suspicions and pulled away from him; or distanced myself to not remain hurt. When I am happy, he is negative, controlling, and snide. When I am not happy, he will try to hug and console me or compliment me. This is making me very confused. I want to procede with this divorce. I had confronted his ex mistresses before, and he ended up destroying our home over it. Even though this mistress may have carried his child; I don't feel like I owe it to her any amount of effort on my part..as it was her that believed his lies too, just like me; and just like me, she will have to learn the hard way. Do you think it's best I do leave as soon as I can? I am planning on moving tomarrow. I have all my things packed. I just wanted one last word of advice before I start this new journey on my own. He maintains his innocence, and tells me he only did these things b/c of how I treated him. But-I find this not true, and if he cared he would seek help or be more open with me.

Expert:  psychlady replied 2 years ago.
Leave and do this as soon as possible. He is a chameleon. He does the least amount possible to keep you stuck. In reality it is all a game to him and he will always win. Let her have him. She will learn. Don't let him draw you back when he is faced with you leaving. Remember a great line that is true in his case - actions speak louder than words

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