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Dr. Rossi
Dr. Rossi, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 4627
Experience:  PsyD, LPC, CHt
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Hi. Im a 49 year old woman, accountant. I was married once

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Hi. I'm a 49 year old woman, accountant. I was married once for 10 years, 2 children, who are now grown (19 and 24). The issue is this: I met this man last year, and we fell in love. He made me feel like the most beautiful, special woman ever. He always lifted me up and treated me well. We became engaged in February, and after 2 weeks in June and just a few days at the beach with his family (which was a horrible disaster), he ended our engagement, drove me home from the beach, and then went back to be with his family. This was in July. Since then, I've convinced him to talk to me, and we have been on and off ever since. I do not seem to have the same man back. He continues to say he loves me, but everytime I'm%2
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. Rossi replied 2 years ago.

Dr. Rossi :

Hi,


It seems that your post may have gotten cut off. What question would you like to address?

Dr. Rossi :

From what you've shared there seems to be the discrepancy b/w his words and actions that you're having hard time dealing with.

Dr. Rossi :

You've known one another for quite some time now. Do you find yourself having the same goals for the relationship at this point?


At the start of most relationships, the initial stage is one of "feeling in love" and often disregarding red flags as each person is trying to impress the other. Over time, the defenses break down and you see clearly things that you may have not paid attention to in the past.

Dr. Rossi :

Something to ask yourself would be- how long can you wait?


Is he largely influenced by his family in his decision making re: marriage?

Dr. Rossi :

What guarantee is he offering you that he will follow through as he (not his family) finds best?

Dr. Rossi :

Something else to think about would be- is it possible that you want to feel loved/desired and may be projecting some of these qualities onto him?

Dr. Rossi :

Not sure if you're online. Feel free to reply when back on.

Expert:  Dr. Rossi replied 2 years ago.
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Customer: replied 2 years ago.


I tend to give people the benefit of the doubt. When we went to the beach for a 9 day family beach trip (his), the first day we were there, the family decided to spread the father's ashes (died 1 1/2 years ago) in the ocean. All emotions went havock from there. He was distraught, grieving, I guess, but I didn;t realize this, and he was pushing me away (not phys.). I reacted by getting mad, and we were not getting along. This is when he told me to pack my stuff, we were breaking up, and I had to go (I was causing the family more stress from the "drama").


This was a really hard time for him, and I thought time would allow him to start getting back to his normal self. But I don't know. My problem is we are most likely not right for each other, but I can't break myself from him. Very strange since I am normally in all other regards XXXXX XXXXX confident, strong independent girl. What can I do to finalize whether this relationship is going to be repaired, or forever broken? I am struggling. My friends say, you will figure it out.

Expert:  Dr. Rossi replied 2 years ago.

Thank you for clarifying Mary.

You're aware that "problem is we are most likely not right for each other, but I can't break myself from him"

When you say "can't" what is preventing you from doing so? Are you convincing yourself that you can't or you just don't want to yet (because of hope that things will improve over time?)

 

In order to finalize this relationship, you'd want to accept what the reality of it is (what it was) and what the possible future would be like.

His behavior is what indicates where things are headed. Words can be easy to utter but difficult to follow.

The fact that you sense that you're not compatible is another thing to consider when trying to let go of the relationship/him. As long as you hold onto hope that things may work out, you'd find yourself stuck.

Individuals can have some differences b/w one another but for a relationship to remain solid over time, they ought to have more things in common.

 

Even though he was grieving for his father, that is a whole different relationship and emotional state than being in love and being emotionally there for you. Perhaps he's not able to be emotionally there for another person or does not want to (in order to protect himself from possible pain).

 

Regardless of the reason though, you're still going to look for the outcome.

It may be still difficult to let go because you've invested emotions and time in this relationship. Try to reflect on what the future 6 mo- 1 year would look like should you stay together or try to remain together as a couple. Is that even possible after what he had done?

 

Your friends are correct. You will figure it out. You'd just have to be ready to accept the answer you arrive to (even though it may be painful and disappointing). It appears that you have already figured it out just not having acted on it yet.

 

 

 

Customer: replied 2 years ago.


i do hope things change and he suddenly realizes what he is losing... of course that is slim chance. So even last week I told him I was trying to move on and joined match.com. and even had a date lined up. (wasn't true, but I wanted to give him the impression I was moving forward). He got very upset and said he couldn;t even think of another woman. So... that gave me the signal.. maybe he does still love me.. and there it goes again. I want to move on. I get so sad, that when one of us texts, more me than him, it ends up ... I miss you...I miss you too! etc. and then we talk about things again. I want to move on (again). I need some way to stop feeling the pain/disappointment and falling back into things with him. I do not think he will revert to how much he loved me when he proposed in February, in Savannah! In only this situation, I am so weak, because we were getting married and making plans, trying on dresses, we booked a venue, etc. It kills me.

Expert:  Dr. Rossi replied 2 years ago.

The breaking up of the proposal is something that would take time to get healed from. In that regard, you don't need to force yourself to do it "instantly."

It is unlikely that he would suddenly revert to how he was and you've been suspecting that. This may not be a case where he does not miss you or have feelings for you. It is rather how far he can allow himself to go on with these feelings. For whatever reason (even cold feet) he's broken the engagement. Did he ever give you a concrete explanation/reason as to why? Even though the time at the beach was difficult for all, that in itself is not a sufficient reason to break things up all of a sudden.

It's possible that he realized that he had hurried up w/ the proposal and then changed his mind.

 

You feel hurt and disappointed and moving on is a process. As long as you hold onto hope, tell yourself that you can't let go, wait for things to change, etc. you'd remain in limbo. You could still explore other options slowly and take your time in healing.

You may have expected more of him that he's able/capable of offering you. Something else that may help you is to jot down your expectations of a potential partner, what mutual goals you'd want to have, how you'd want to be treated and what would be realistic vs unrealistic desire from a relationship. Your needs+wants have to match those of your partner.

Monitoring your thoughts is another helpful tool. Your emotional reaction besides hormones and brain chemistry largely depends on what you tell yourself and accept as truth. If you think about being unable to leg to, you'd feel the emotions associated w/ it.

He could have feelings for you but you'd want more than words and feelings (as these can change over time) You'd want to get more in line with your own expectations and what you're bringing to the table. It should be 50%-50% to be a well balanced relationship.

Dr. Rossi, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 4627
Experience: PsyD, LPC, CHt
Dr. Rossi and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.


Thank you. His actions have to be in line with his feelings and my expectations. I agree. I don't think he is capable at this point in his life.

Expert:  Dr. Rossi replied 2 years ago.
You welcome. It may be a case where it is not that he does not want to, but is rather not capable of. You then realize that it would be unhealthy to wait for him to act differently.

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