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Ask Coach Jen K. Your Own Question

Coach Jen K.
Coach Jen K., LMSW, CPC
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1722
Experience:  Licensed Master Social Worker. Certified Life Coach
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Hi Counselors: My husband and I came to U.S 3 years ago. And

Resolved Question:

Hi Counselors:
My husband and I came to U.S 3 years ago. And we had separated in June last year.
I moved out of the apartment that we're living together then.
The big reason that we have been fighting was his drinking. When he's happy, he needs drink, when upset, also need drink.
And he's also a mean-drunk type of person. When he's drunk, he will keep me up all night by claiming he needs to talk about our future plan with me.
He does not have a job because we are foreigners and for him to be able to find a job he'll need the employment authorization issued by the government.
I had my employment paperwork applied and it's approved so it's ok for me to find a job. And i'm more than willing to be able to work and support the two of us.

The ultimate reason that pushed me to move out is he started gambling. He'll stay at the game house all day even till midnight and then call me on my cellphone asking for money or ask me to come up and drive him back home.
I did not make a lot money every month and I was so frustrated that most of the money I made goes to him and spend at the game house.

Since I moved out, I continue to pay for all the bills related to that apartment: phones, internet, rent and his food.
He's been accusing me of leaving him without giving him a notice. I'm very confused now.

Looking forward to hearing back from you,
Thank you!
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Coach Jen K. replied 1 year ago.

CoachJenK :

Hi. Welcome. I am a Licensed Master Social Worker with more than 20 years experience working with individuals and families on a variety of issues.

CoachJenK :

I am sorry to hear of all of this for you. It sounds as if you have made a string decision that is the right decision for you.


 

CoachJenK :

His drinking and gambling have had a bad effect on your marriage and unless he is willing to get treatment things will remain like this.


 

Customer:

Hi.


 

CoachJenK :

what are you confused about? and why do you think you needed to give notice...you got out when you felt you could no longer tolerate the behavior.


 

Customer:

I'm confused about am I Really the one caused all the mess by moving out?


 

CoachJenK :

Oh I see. that is a classic experience


you are having when dealing with someone whom has addictive behaviors...taking responsibility for his actions.

CoachJenK :

his behaviors...drinking and gambling have caused damage to the relationship and unless he gets help nothing will change.


 

CoachJenK :

I think you have shown remarkable strength to take care of yourself and remove yourself from this toxic behavior.


 

Customer:

Yes, I agree. I also talked with some of my friends. They all think I made the right call by moving out. But on the other hand, they are all my firends. So I need to hear from someone that can give me some objective opinion.


 

CoachJenK :

he needs to blame you for everything otherwise he needs to look at his behavior.


 

CoachJenK :

and what does it feel like then to hear my objective opinion?


 

Customer:

To convince myself that I made the right decision with my husband.


 

CoachJenK :

If he gets clean and sober and can work on things then you may be open to that but right now it seems as if you taking care of yourself has been a great decision for you.


 

Customer:

We've been together for 5 years, and I was so used to take all the blame from him till the day I left. Once I am out of the situation, I can think and see things more rationally.

CoachJenK :

and he is used to it as well which is why he is s


truggling with you finally making a decision for yourself and putting a stop to his behavior toward you.

CoachJenK :

so he has to move back into the blame game.


 

CoachJenK :

yes it is very easy to get used to that spot, but now that you are removed from it, clarity comes in and you can see how that will not work moving forward.


 

CoachJenK :

you didnt have to give any notice....you left when you left!


 

CoachJenK :

just because he wanted notice doesnt make it the right and only way...its just more controlling behavior on his part.


 

CoachJenK :

you okay?


 

Customer:

Yes, I'm fine. Thank you.


 

CoachJenK :

ok


 

Customer:

Just thinking about the texts he sent me earlier today. He's not independant finacially so I have to support him. And once I do not do as he asked he will blow my cellphone with calls or texts.

CoachJenK :

he sounds very abusive.


 

CoachJenK :

you can always change your cell number


 

CoachJenK :

and if you fear for your safety then call the police.


 

Customer:

Yes.

CoachJenK :

and where does it say you HAVE to support him?


 

Customer:

because we did not file the divorce yet.

Customer:

Also, we filed our immigration document as husband and wife. So I might not be able to divorce till the immigration thing is done.

CoachJenK :

ok but still just because he says you have to support him doesnt make it so


 

CoachJenK :

tough spot for you. but in the meantime you can still take care of you and focus on that.


 

Customer:

Yes, I understand. And thank you for your time.

Customer:

I think you made my head clearer.

CoachJenK :

You can come to me anytime. Please take care of YOU. take a moment to click on the rating tab to rate my work. My goal is excellent.


 

CoachJenK :

That is how I am credited for my work with you.


 

Customer:

Sure. Will do that. Thanks again!


 

Coach Jen K., LMSW, CPC
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1722
Experience: Licensed Master Social Worker. Certified Life Coach
Coach Jen K. and 2 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you

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