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Ask TherapistJen Your Own Question
TherapistJen
TherapistJen, LCSW, CPC
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 3245
Experience:  Licensed Clinical Social Worker.
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My Girlfriend of 3 years has gained significant weight, and

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My Girlfriend of 3 years has gained significant weight, and it has hurt the attraction I have for her. This makes it really hard to find the desire to become intimate and is a turn -off. How do I approach this sensitive situation and communicate this to her?

CoachJenK :

Hi. Welcome. I am a Licensed Master Social Worker with more than 20 years experience working with individuals and families on a variety of issues.

CoachJenK :

You are correct that this is a sensitive and delicate area and i appreciate your willingness to tread lightly here.


 

CoachJenK :

You are in a tough spot because either way you run the risk of something negative. If you don't say anything then your desire for intimacy will continue to dwindle and if you do say something you run the risk of her becoming angry, defensive and withdrawing.


 

CoachJenK :

but if you love her and want to be with her you can approach her in a sensitive and loving way.


 

CoachJenK :

"honey, i love you and I want to be with you. I am wondering if all is okay. You have put on some weight and that can happen from stress or sadness. Are you okay? How ca i help you."


 

CoachJenK :

what does that sound like to you...something you could say to her?


 

Customer:

yes, that sounds like something I can say. Its been brought up before, but it seems her motivation is not there, and she never follow through.


 


 

CoachJenK :

I think it can be hard since her motivation isn't there....how has she responded about working out together?


 

CoachJenK :

and are you eating healthy and clean so she can too?


 

CoachJenK :

If she feels pressure it could also go the other way where she doesnt want to feel motivated to make any changes. You are in a tough spot.


 

Customer:

she has told me that she would rather go with a sister or by-herself. I try to eat healthy, I usually cook for her and try to avoid fast food. I have noticed that she likes to eat sweets, such as cookies, ice cream, cakes,etc..

CoachJenK :

as a female, we tend to like sweets for many reasons. soothing, stress, depression, etc.


 

CoachJenK :

I am sure she is aware of your lessening physical desire?


 

CoachJenK :

has she asked you about that? If so, you can be honest and tell her you do love her but are struggling a bit to stay connected physically since she has put on weight.


 

CoachJenK :

it doesnt make you shallow..it makes you honest.


 

CoachJenK :

and you can also say it with care so it is not hurful


 

Customer:

yes, she is aware and there has been conversation about it before, each time I have tried to be honest while also treading lightly, but It seems it goes on deaf ears and im trying to find ways for to continue to support and encourage her but im running out of options.


 

CoachJenK :

As i sais at teh beginning you are in a tough spot and I feel for you.


 

CoachJenK :

it will be up to her to make the changes and it will be up to you to see how long you can hang in if things dont change in this way. I hear your support for her and that is wonderful.


 

Customer:

Yes, I agree. Well thanks for the advice, I will apply it and see where it takes me. Thank you, XXXXX XXXXX is highly appreciated.

CoachJenK :

it is my pleasure. stop back anytime and let me know how it all goes. please take a moment to offer a rating of my work by clicking


o.n the rating tab

CoachJenK :

I am only credited if you offer a positive rating.


 

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