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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5452
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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Hi, Ive been having a really rough time the passed 2 years.

Resolved Question:

Hi,
I've been having a really rough time the passed 2 years. From my parents health to trouble with a relationship that I tried to end 2 years ago. I bought my own house and the significant other came along. He became verbally, mentally, and occasionally physically abusive to me so I left my house, and live with my parents. He is still in my house. I pay all the bills there but don't live there. Every time he is told to leave he attempts suicide or tears something up in the house. So I just stopped trying. This is being very broad. I still love him but I'm not in love with him if that makes any sense? I have terrible anxiety usually worse in the mornings. I do go to my house almost every day to check on my pets to make sure they are okay. I've been stuck in the mud for awhile and can't seem to get my life in line. It's like he has some kind of power over me. On top of all that I'm an only child and my parents had me late in life. They both have health issues that I worry about constantly. I don't really have anyone but them to turn to. I constantly worry about everything and I've had about all I can take. I was just wondering if there was anything advice you could give me. Any questions feel free to ask as this was a very very broad statement about what's going on. Thanks
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 1 year ago.
Hello, I'd like to help you with your question.

It sounds like you have been through a lot. Whenever someone is abused, it can take a toll on their emotional well being. Surviving abuse is surviving a trauma. So you are going to have all the symptoms of someone who has been through trauma, such as anxiety.

The person you were with has taken over your life. You gave up your home, your pets and basically your life for this person who hurt you deeply. In a way, he has taken all the control from you and now you are trapped, at least in terms of your emotions. Experiencing anxiety would be a very normal response to what you have suffered and continue to suffer with.

You also describe that he has some kind of power over you. It sounds like you may have become co dependent with him. Your relationship has become unbalanced, with him in control and you doing what you can to keep him happy. It is very frequent in abusive relationships and can take a toll on the person being victimized.

You can learn more about co dependency and ways to address the abuse you have been through. Learning more will help you see the patterns of behavior that keep you trapped in the abusive relationship. Here are some resources to help you get started:

http://mentalhealthamerica.net/go/codependency

http://www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/features/signs-of-a-codependent-relationship

Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft

Also, it may help you to learn more about how to increase your self esteem so you feel you can counter the abuse and get yourself out of the situation with this man:

Self-Esteem: A Proven Program of Cognitive Techniques for Assessing, Improving, and Maintaining Your Self-Esteem by Matthew McKay and Patrick Fanning

Breaking the Chain of Low Self-Esteem by Marilyn J. Sorensen

And the most important step is to get support so you can gain strength enough to get out of the situation. Therapy is an excellent way to help you find out why you are in the relationship and how to get out. Ask your doctor for a referral or search on line at http://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/.

I hope this has helped you,
Kate
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Kate,


Thanks for your response. So do you recommend that I seek a local counselor? Someone to talk to face to face? I guess I just have a fear of the unknown. I'm 25 scared I'm going to be alone forever. Don't really know where to start. Thanks

Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 1 year ago.

You're welcome!

Yes, a local counselor would be ideal. Someone you feel comfortable with that has worked with abusive relationships. Right now, it is important that you get support.

It is natural to fear the unknown. Most people feel as you do. Taking that first step is hard. But in a way, you already have reached out on this site by talking with me. It shows that you are strong and want to feel better. Always a good sign! And you will not be alone forever. Once you can address how you feel now, things will improve a lot and you will be able to see your future more clearly.

Also, work on this at home through self help. There are a lot of resources about abusive relationships and how to recover from them. The resources I gave you are just to get you started.

Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5452
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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