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Coach Jen K.
Coach Jen K., LCSW, CPC
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1809
Experience:  Licensed Master Social Worker. Certified Life Coach
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I am a 40 year old woman. I have had great sex before in my

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I am a 40 year old woman. I have had great sex before in my life in the past.
My current boyfriend of two years and I have the most amazing sex of my life. He understands my body, my desires. Outside of the bedroom he's supportive and empathetic. Sounds great, and it is.

I made the mistake of telling him he is the best lover I have ever had and that I feel incredibly in sync with him.

His response was that he's glad I feel that way, but that sex has always been in sync and great for him with his other partners. And that he's sorry I haven't had that experience before him. He says our sex is incredible, but it's always been incredible for him because he works to make it that way. I asked what then makes sex special between us and he said because it's between us.

I feel crushed. I feel inadequate. My heart is broken. I feel like our sex isn't special because it's not any different than his past sexual experiences. I don't know how to get over this feeling. And I feel like an idiot for even letting bother me. I love him and want to fix this. Any suggestions?
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Doctor Rao replied 2 years ago.

Doctor Rao : Hi are you online?
Customer:

Yes I am


 

Doctor Rao : Ok. It is good to hear that you had good relationship with your partner. Obviously some misunderstanding and this can be looked in to and fixed if both of you were willing to look in to it and address it
Customer:

Yes, and how?


 

Doctor Rao : I would like you to know that all l couples have conflict at some time. This is because we have a strong emotional connection with those we love. Conflict is not bad if the couple works through the problem and are respectful of one another in communication and action.Men and women respond to conflict in different ways. Men are more likely than women to withdraw from conflict. They withdraw more when women try to get them to talk about the problem. Women are more direct than men and want to address the conflict. This may be related to women’s tendency to be concerned with the emotional aspect of the relationship. Women are also more critical in addressing conflict.
Customer:

Why do I feel this way? It's feels like a rejection.

Doctor Rao : Once we know the principles we can look in to how to address them. Woman can be critical because they do emotionally involve greatly int he relationship
Doctor Rao : No. I am not supporting him here But he might not mean what he said. It is not uncommon that Men are not good communicators of their feelings and their perspective is slightly different. If you ask your partner he would agree with this
Customer:

This I understand. When I tried to talk to him more about my feelings of rejection, he just said we shouldn't talk about previous relationships.


 

Doctor Rao : Couples develop rules for their relationship as they spend time with one another. However, having clear rules for handling conflict is important. Talk over the rules before a conflict occurs. Your rules might include:• No shouting at one another • No swearing • Allowing you or your partner to “cool off” before discussing the problem• No going to bed mad at each other• No putting one another down• Sticking to the current problem and not bringing in other issues
Doctor Rao : Once you follow these rules the issue you are facing might be able to sort out reasoanbly quickly. Yu both need to have an honest and transperang discussion. From what you said I can see that you both love and like each other.It appears like a misunderstanding and miscomminication or different way of communication
Customer:

We are great communicators in general. Our conflict resolution is strong. But I have never felt so heart broken.

Doctor Rao : May be you should give him another chance,try not to dwell the past(if it is bothering you both) and make a fresh start. I would like you to know that you are happy with his relationship and sex life with him. The problem seems to be the communication and when you both discussed the past experiences. May be you can look in to minimising this
Doctor Rao : It must have upset you strongly for you to feel this way. I am pleased to know that you both are well in to conflict resolution which would be a key to nurture any relationship.
Customer:

Yes it has upset me. Is it normal for me to feel inadequate now?

Doctor Rao : It is not abnormal. You might be a very sensitive
Doctor Rao : Person and this relationship might mean a lot to you
Doctor Rao : So, it is understandable if you were upset. But you need to talk to him calmly and you both need to come torn agreement how you both can move forward by putting this behind.
Doctor Rao : I hope you both can do that. If you're struggling to do this and having ongoing issues you might want to look in to Couple therapy or relationship counselling. But from what you said both of you are good communicators I believe you would be able to sort out this issue by yourself
Customer:

What are the words I can use so he can hear me differently? I would like some specifics.

Doctor Rao : Ok. Yu can say something like "I am upset about what went on between us in recent days. I am sure you were upset too to some extent. I love you very much and don't want this to effect our relationship. I am hoping we can put this behind and start over. But in the future I would appreciate the honest communication,carding each others feelings. I am sure we both are mature enough to see this happen".. May be something along these lines
Doctor Rao : Tell me what do you think
Doctor Rao : By this youNot not making any specific remarks and not directly criticising him rather ready to take mutual responsibility
Customer:

Is it appropriate for me to tell him that what he said hurt me because I feel that it has trivialized how I perceive our intimacy?

Doctor Rao : Yes Ofcourse you can tell him. It is important to do so.sometimes men might not see these things as major emotional aspects. But when you do please do calmly,do not criticise his actions. You can choose to say "I was bit upset because of this and I hope you can understand this"
Doctor Rao : If he repeats then you do know that it s wrong but as this happened first time you need to give him a chance
Customer:

Ahh, this is the issue. He will not apologize for this. It is how he feels. He is resolute that all his sex has been amazing. And that we aren't different in this way. And this is the part I cannot get past. I thought it was special and I have learned it is his normal. Now what?

Customer:

I feel like I have to let it go, but it is terribly painful still.

Doctor Rao : I can see that you love him much.So, you might want to Look at ways of not bring this in to discussions. I just want you to know that the perceptions of sex and relationships can be different between man and woman. If I read right he requested you not to discuss about this and you can respect his wish as you like him too much.Tis way both of you can move on, by letting it go doesn't mean that you were defeated or anything. I understand it is painful.i am not denying that. There is no point in arguing over it though especially when both of you are enjoying the relationship,sex life apart from slight misunderstanding.
Doctor Rao : I hope you find the answer helpful.please do not hesitate to ask me if you require more information,
Doctor Rao : Hello are you still online
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Relist: Answer quality.
This answer was completely generic. Not what I expect from an expert.
Expert:  Coach Jen K. replied 2 years ago.
Hi. Welcome. I am a Licensed Master Social Worker with more than 20 years experience working with individuals and families on a variety of issues.

When I read your question above, my heart sank as it sounds like yours did as well. I think his response to your very loving statement about your sex life was uncaring, un-feeling and somewhat self-involved. That response can easily cause you to feel inadequate as he made the great sexual connection less about the two of you and more about himself and his prowess. That can feel devastating. Does he display these self-involved traits in other ways in your relationship that maybe you overlook at times?

In terms of your feelings now, I want you to hold onto the fact that you too have had great sexual connections in the past and that speaks to your prowess as well. But clearly it is the connection between the two of you that makes it so special now. I am glad to hear that you have great communication between the two of you and i would rely on that to talk to him about your feelings around this. You can do this without having to delve into each other's past. For example, "I love you and love our connection both emotionally and physically. when i was expressing how i felt in terms of our sexual connection and you being the best lover, it felt very slighting when you responded by saying you have had this with everyone. I am not wanting this to become a big deal, but rather you be able to hear how it felt so slighting to me and to our connection. You and I both have had wonderful sexual connections in the past and that is great, but we are in the present and i was expressing my wonderful connection and complimenting your skills as well. can you see how that might have been hurtful? I am sure you didn't intend to hurt me, but it did. I am glad you feel confident in your abilities as that lends itself to us having wonderful sex. I want that connection to remain and grow between us."

So, I hope that is helpful above and I can certainly understand how you felt slighted. But, it does not speak to your inadequacy at all. It speaks a bit more to his very high confidence or self-involvement. does that make sense? Let me know your thoughts.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

Thank you for this empathetic advice and input. This- I can work with. I hadn't been able to nail down what it was that was bothering me so much. But you have put it aptly with your observation about his response being about him and his sexual prowess and not us. That is what hurts. I appreciate your response. It is quite helpful.

Expert:  Coach Jen K. replied 2 years ago.
It is my pleasure. I certainly understand how you feel. Please come back and let me know how it goes. I am interested to hear.

Please take a moment to click on the rating tab to offer a rating of my work as that is how i am credited. My goal has been to give you excellent support.

I am here anytime you need. Just ask for CoachJenK.
Coach Jen K., LCSW, CPC
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1809
Experience: Licensed Master Social Worker. Certified Life Coach
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Coach Jen K.
Coach Jen K.
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Licensed Master Social Worker. Certified Life Coach