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Ask Coach Jen K. Your Own Question

Coach Jen K.
Coach Jen K., LMSW, CPC
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1744
Experience:  Licensed Master Social Worker. Certified Life Coach
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How do you sit back and watch your daughter keep going back

Resolved Question:

How do you sit back and watch your daughter keep going back again and again to a very unhealthy relationshilp
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Coach Jen K. replied 1 year ago.

CoachJenK :

Hi. Welcome. I am a Licensed Master Social Worker with more than 20 years experience working with individuals and families on a variety of issues.

CoachJenK :

You are in such a tough spot and I feel for what you are going through.


 

CoachJenK :

The most difficult thing is to sit back and watch it happen but you may not have any other choice if you don't want to lose the relationship with your daughter.


 

CoachJenK :

The best thing might be to sit back as you say and be ready to be there for her when she needs you and by the sound of things she will need you at some point.


 

CoachJenK :

How old is she?


 

Customer:

She is 36 and always keep picking the wrong guy

CoachJenK :

and tell me about the "wrong guy"


 

CoachJenK :

what is it about them


 

CoachJenK :

How has your daughter responded when you have tried to speak with her about it?


 

Customer:

They seem to have a lot of bagage


for example this guy it a has only had a job t


about 8months in the almost four years she


has known him. He was married before has


a 12 years old daughter. He give his opinion and


if you don't agree with him he goes off on you.


He brings up things that has happened in my life


or my other daughters life to compare the relationships


She always seem to agree with me and she has broken up


with him so many times knowing they do not have the same views

CoachJenK :

Are you still with me?


 

Customer:

yes did you get my answers


 

CoachJenK :

just now reading it.


 

CoachJenK :

so she is okay with you expressing how you feel about it all?


 

Customer:

Yes until today she does not want to talk with me about

CoachJenK :

if that is the case, i might once again sit down with her and let her know how you love her and want her to feel happy but that this man and others who are similar are not the ones who will bring her the happiness she deserves.


 

Customer:

This man has her brained washed that she will never find anyone else because she has too much baggage

CoachJenK :

try and pull back for a bit and give her the space and time to figure it out on her own and be there for her when she comes to you


 

CoachJenK :

because somewhere inside her she knows you are right...but cant admi


t it to herself.

CoachJenK :

and you keep reminding her that she is a lovely woman and EVERYONE has baggage


 

Customer:

I do... Today she said she does not want to make a choice but she will choose him


if she has too

CoachJenK :

frustrating for sure and i truly understand how you feel.


 

CoachJenK :

and so that is your clue to pull back...you do not want to lose your relationship with her over him


 

CoachJenK :

you are a loving parent and it hurts to see your child be with the "wrong" person who isn't any good for her.


 

CoachJenK :

but protect your relationship with her.


 

CoachJenK :

My hope is that eventually she figures it out all on her own.


 

Customer:

No but no family member wants to have anything to do with him


He called my an airhead...my daughter did not defend me


last week I thought she did . She even blocked out his email and phone


calls this week she is back with him

CoachJenK :

bad pattern for sure and her lack of self esteem causes her to go back to him


 

CoachJenK :

there is no perfect solution here unfortunately and all you can do is keep your relationship with her and be there when she will need you


 

CoachJenK :

I am sorry you are going through this...not easy.


 

Customer:

I just wish this gut feeling would go away. That this is so wrong.


She was living with him and I had to get her in March and bring


her to my house we just got her settled in a beautiful condo and


I thought she would start a new beginning and now she takes him back


there was yelling and screaming and naming calling he would not shut up


you could not get a word in...

CoachJenK :

your gut is for her safety?


 

Customer:

Actually, I think they could both go off on each other. It is just not


a solid healthy relationship


Every other time she took him back I supported her when she


got engaged to him I supported but he had no intention of paying for a


wedding or even getting married and I dont even believe he wants more children


and that would be wrong. He does not believe in immunizations and other issues

CoachJenK :

yes it sounds unhealthy and sadly she is choosing to participate in this dynamic.


 

CoachJenK :

as hard as it is i would pull back and just be there for her. you dont need to support the relationship but you can still have a relationship with her.


 

Customer:

yes because she does not have a lot of girlfriends and she


is vunerable not sure of the spelling.


 


fhis man does not believe in paying his bills


He cannot get a passport because of selling online stuff


He has a record from car accident etc etc

CoachJenK :

it sounds horrible and I can hear just how hard this is for you. As an adult as much as we want her away from him we cannot force it to happen.


 

CoachJenK :

you are a wonderful and caring parent and keep that going and I believe in time she will be able to figure it out.


 

Customer:

So it is hard to type everything and you are saying if this happens


I have to accept I told her you cant force me to like him this time.

CoachJenK :

you dont have to accept him but you also dont want to lose your relationship with her.


 

CoachJenK :

so love her and support her but have nothing to do with him


 

Customer:

How do I show up at the wedding if she goes through with marrying him


and look happy

CoachJenK :

I am not sure the wedding will happen but I would maybe let her know that you wont be able to...that could harm your relationship with him but I dont think you can show up and look happy.


 

Customer:

Im not getting your response. Pretend Im happy so I dont damage my relationship with her


that means Im am holding in how I feel and that is what happened when I finally ended up


have words with him because I kept holding it in. He is so negative He is everyone elses


fault he does not have a job or the economy is to believe He is 41 years old GROW UP

CoachJenK :

I dont think you can pretend to be happy. I think you can let her know you want a relationship with her but you cannot support this marriage and you cannot pretend you are happy. does that make sense?


 

Customer:

yes it makes sense I hope it does not happen cause I cant image not showing up at my daughters weddings.


It seems like it is a wait and see situation. I am beyond depressed over this and extremely panicked.


 


 

CoachJenK :

it is more wait and see and it is very unnerving for you. Try and sit tight and hope that she has the sense to see it all for herself


 

CoachJenK :

come to me anytime for more support.


 

Customer:

Do you do talk chats or is it just typing?


Is there anyway to send you emails he sent me?


Anyway to give you a better backward


 


If so, what is the charge for that...

CoachJenK :

We can only work online in this way. So yes only typing. I have a pretty good sense of this person and I am with you and support you in your feelings.


 

CoachJenK :

I do not hear a grown up man taking responsibility for anything and also a man who is rude to you and does not treat your daughter well.


 

CoachJenK :

I hear it all.


 

Customer:

According to him he treats her well because he cooked dinners and cleaned, but in the meantime


wants to change her views on health issues and puts down her degree and the corporate world

CoachJenK :

it is very difficult to be a witness to this, but she is 36 and needs to figure this out on her own.


 

Customer:

I heard what you are saying. No magic wand to fix this.


It doesnt help me to feel better. I have no control over


any of this. It is what it is. Thanks for listening

CoachJenK :

I wish I had the magic wand for you. I know how hard it is. It is so hard because you see it clearly and are watching her go down this bad path. Stay strong. It is my pleasure to listen. My goal is to provide you with the support even if I don't have the magic wand.


 

CoachJenK :

Come to me anytime and please take a moment to click on the rating tab and offer a rating of our time. My goal is Excellent support.


 

Customer:

How do I get you

CoachJenK :

when you come back and begin a new question put for CoachJenK at the beginning and it will come to me.


 

Customer:

ok

CoachJenK :

stay strong.


 

Coach Jen K., LMSW, CPC
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1744
Experience: Licensed Master Social Worker. Certified Life Coach
Coach Jen K. and 3 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you

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