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Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 7662
Experience:  35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
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Married a few short months and now hes left me.

Customer Question

We have only been married a few short months and now he's left me. He says he thinks the marriage was a big mistake, too much responsibilities he was not ready for and now he says he doesn't feel the same way he once did for me. We have been together 7 years and only got married this year. What do you suggest I do? Can I try to talk to him...or should I leave him alone, and wait till he comes back to me? Which I don't think he will... :(


 


Also want to mention that before his moving out, we had a huge confrontation in front of his family, my brother and his 2 female cousins. See...his cousins (who are fairly close to me, as friends) came to me to talk to me about my husband (their cousin). They told me things he's done, like 1 month prior to our being wed....they say he had sex with another woman while in cancun and they said that when he was at a club he tried to hit-on their friend and then got into a fight with some guy and got thrown out of that club. I confronted him with all that his cousins told me about him and went a little crazy, saying things I didn't mean ...such as I hated him and how could he have done that to me and I could never trust him again and that I wanted him to get out. He denied most of it and wanted to literally 'kill' his cousins...then he stormed out of the house and hasn't returned since, (nor does he ever want to come back). He says it's over and he's ashamed and can't face me, still thinks the marriage was a huge mistake and wants out of it. Wants us to go our separate ways. 

Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 1 year ago.
Seeking expert counseling is a sign of strength. A personal relationship with a caring professional is proven clinically effective.

Dear friend,

I am so sorry for the hurt and disappointment that you are suffering. Your husband has too many outside interests and no sense of loyalty. His apparent lack of remorse or empathy for your feelings, and the ease with which he has transitioned to a single life, which implies other women and no commitments, exactly what he wants. He may be a narcissist, caring only about himself, and lacking the ability to feel the pain or sorrow or others. Narcissists are sociopaths and they cannot change, for the most part.

Your assessment that you do not think he will come back to you is probably correct, and in the long run is probably the best for you. This man does not have the character or loyalty to make you a good partner, and can never be trusted again. In the long run, looking back, you will see this as a positive turning point in your life, although right now it is so painful.

You have not gotten closure from your grief, but you are fortunately realistic about it.
I believe that you could talk to him, calmly, not in the expectation of him becoming remorseful and having a change of heart, but because you need to work this out of your heart and mind. Do this for closure, however, and not for continuation. You must be very careful that you do not get sucked back in.

This is a word of warning.. If you let him, he will use you and then let you down again, if it suits him, If you can get closure without seeing him, that would be the stronger course of action. If you must, then do so, but don't expect great relief or satisfaction. Above all, don't let him drag you into a cycle of using you and dumping you, because he will if you allow it. He WILL use you if it suits him.

I know I have given you mixed messages here, and if I had to give my intuitive answer, as the medium did, I would agree with her/him, and advise you to move forward with your life. End the old chapter and start a new one.

I wish you courage and strength.


Warm regards,

Elliott Sewell, MAE, LPCC, CCMHC, NCC
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

but I don't want to live without him...I will not live without him, my body will shut down. I can't face the embarrassment with family and friends and ....I don't want to live, if he leaves me forever. :*(

Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 1 year ago.
Dear Jan,

It seems that you are quite determined and you are willing to fight to keep your husband or to put up with anything he does. If that is the case, then tell him that you will stay with him forever, no matter what he does.

You will then have the opportunity and the time to win him over and to adjust to his needs and not be an impediment to him, as he feels you are.

I know that this is not what I suggested before, but I did not know how desperate you are, and you must follow your instincts and see where they lead.

Sometimes we have to endure terrible hardships to reach our goals and your determination is so great, that I recommend that you go back to him and apologize for what you said and ask him to mercifully take you back.

Be strong, and don't take no for an answer..

I wish you great success.

Warm regards,

Elliott Sewell, MAE, LPCC, NCC, CCMHC
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

My name was Jen...if you can't even remember or copy my name (right), then how do I know you're giving me good advice?

Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 1 year ago.
Dear XXX,

I am sorry that I mispelled your name. It came up in very tiny letters and my eyes could not see the difference between the e and the a. I might have misread a small letter, but I have given you excellent advice. Let us continue to focus on the issue, which is the purpose of this discussion.

You seem to be up against a very difficult situation and you will not take "no" for an answer, and you will not accept failure. Therefore, you have to stand up and fight for what you believe in and win him back. Your other options are not acceptable.

I know how upset you are about this, but you must not fall into despair. This is the time to stand up and be strong, and not be defeated.

You have 7 good years behind you and you have to draw from all of the positive experiences you have previously shared with him. Right now he is distracted and thinking that he likes the single life. However, he will soon tire of it.

You must not follow the advice of the spiritual medium, for if you leave him alone, he will drift further and further away from you.

Sometimes, in a battle, retreat is a strategy, but in this case it is not, for you will let him get away. Pursue your man and win him back. Stay positive and keep your eye on the prize.

I wish you great success.


Warm regards,

Elliott Sewell, MAE, LPCC, NCC, CCMHC
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

I honestly don't believe your contradictory replies were worth the $35 I sent you. I mean, first you replied saying leave him ...he's no good and then when you realized I might hate myself or do something stupid, you replied 'go after him' . I mean which do you really think I should be doing? And why are you just saying what I want to hear rather than being honest and telling me what's up with what's going on?


 


I'm now more messed up if anything....

Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 1 year ago.
Dear XXX,

I have received no payments from you and if you like I can have your money refunded.

I told you what I though was best for you, but when you started talking in terms of "I don't want to live without him", then I am ethically obliged discourage you from potential self-harm and buy some time for you to prevent you from hurting yourself. You made it clear that my answer was unacceptable and that there may be consequences for you.

I am a psychotherapist and I actually do care about you, and want to help you to either get him back, or if not possible, to survive, intact and move on.

I have not been paid for this service, nor do I expect to. If you like, I will get you a refund of every penny you have put on deposit. If you like, you can ask for a refund yourself, or you can ask for a RELIST if you want someone else to take this question, if they want to.

I wish you the best. If you want to go on without talking to me further, simply hit RELIST or ask for a refund, or ask me to get you a refund. I am at your service and will continue to help you whether you pay me or not.

Warm regards,

Elliott Sewell, LPCC, NCC, CCMHC

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